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I'd Like My Boyfriend To Spend Thanksgiving With My Family

I'd Like My Boyfriend To Spend Thanksgiving With My Family

Dear Sugar
I have been dating my boyfriend for three years and every year we spend Thanksgiving together. We eat dinner with his family at his aunt's house and then we drive to my parent's house for dessert. This year however, Thanksgiving dinner in my family is being held at my grandfather's house and I'd like to be there.

My grandfather is 98 years old and my entire family is flying in from all over the country so we can all be together for what might be the last time. I have asked my boyfriend to come with me and change this year's tradition, but he refuses.

He wants to spend Thanksgiving at his aunt's house like he does every year. I am always very accommodating and have canceled plans before in order to spend time with his family. This is the first year that my mom's entire family will be here for Thanksgiving and I am so hurt that my boyfriend is being so stubborn. What should I do? Do you think that I have a right to be upset? Angered Angie

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Angered Angie
I am sorry that your boyfriend is being so obstinate. Have you explained to him how important seeing your family is to you? Is he aware of your grandfather's health issues and the reason why this year's celebration is so special? If so, what is the reason for his selfish behavior?

Perhaps bringing a compromise to the table could sway your boyfriend's decision. Try suggesting spending time at his aunt's house earlier in the day to help with the cooking and to watch the football game, etc... and then you both can make your way to your grandfather's house in time for dinner. Many couples have to be creative with time management in order to accommodate both families.

If your boyfriend continues to be inflexible about your turkey day plans, you are unfortunately going to have to spend Thanksgiving apart this year. Remind him that in successful and satisfying relationships, very often people have to compromise to try and make each other happy. Also remind him that his presence at your grandfather's house would mean a lot to you. Happy Thanksgiving.

Join The Conversation
kh61582 kh61582 10 years
Your boyfriend is being crazy insensitive. He's been dating you long enough that he should care more about your situation than he seems to. My grandmother is 93 and I feel I need to spend holidays with her and my boyfriend totally gets that so it's unusual that your guy would have this issue. I don't know if it's worth breaking up over but you should definitely find someway to put your relationship on hold until he gets the point. I would try to give you a better solution but tomorrow is Thanksgiving so good luck;)
Vsugar Vsugar 10 years
HOLY COW. What a jerk. I had this problem with an ex-boyfriend, and I compromised and compromised, and he NEVER did - and he didn't even LIKE his family!!!!! I didn't realise until many months after we had broken up that it was because, while he liked dating me, he didn't think of us as PARTNERS, nor would he ever. A REAL partner, whether a husband or wife, or WHATEVER, would see your family as your SHARED family, and want to be present for this time with your grandfather as well. You have to go without him, and when everyone embarassingly asks you why he's not there, tell them it's because he's a selfish jerk. Then when you get home, start really inspecting the rest of his behaviour and see if this is someone you actually want to continue to have a mature, adult relationship with.
Regular_Lady Regular_Lady 10 years
Um...Yeah. I agree with the advice above - but I don't think it's strong enough. My advice is to tell him you're going to your family's gathering with or without him, because It's Just That Important To You!. And do it! I was in your situation for YEARS after I was married. I was always compromising my own plans to accomodate my in-laws at holidays - thinking that if I gave in, eventually it would be my turn to get my way. No one ever understood that I might want to be with MY family instead of THEIRS. Many, many years later - things have *barely* changed. I should have stood up for myself long ago. Your family will be delighted to have you there - if your boyfriend doesn't understand - that's his problem.
celsou celsou 10 years
Dear and Jeanie have got it right. This sounds like a situation where you have compromised in the past, he should compromise for you now. How would you feel spending the holiday apart? He should understand that frequently couples have to create new traditions, separate from their old family ones, in order to please everyone, or hurt no one more than another. This is tough, and from what you write I'd say it is hurtful of your boyfriend to be so stubborn. Good luck.
bluejeanie bluejeanie 10 years
PRET-TY lame on the boyfriend's part. i agree with sugar, remind him that every year you've spent it at his place and you'd like to do dinner at your place. i wouldn't budge, this is really important to you. if he wants to spend it with his family and not be with you, so be it.
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