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I'm Not Sure What I Want Out of My Relationship

"I'm Not Sure What I Want Anymore"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I am having a hard time making some big decisions in my life right now. My boyfriend and I are currently long distance, but we were together for over two years before that. After he moved, we stayed together for a while and then broke up for a few months because of the distance and unclear future. We got back together at the end of last year and have been trying to make things work since then. We're both aware that we need to be in the same city to make things work, and I started making plans to accomplish that. The thing is, I'm not sure I want to leave. Or rather, I'm pretty sure I don't. I love where I live, I am lucky enough to have an amazing job with advancement potential, and if I do move, I'll be giving all of that up and starting over.

To add another layer, our relationship is not without its issues. When we were in the same place, there was a fair amount of drama, and in the time we were broken up, I was with someone else, and this has caused trust issues and hurt feelings. In spite of this, we love each other, and I want to marry him and start a family. I know that because of his ties to where he is living now, he will not move, so it's up to me to go there, and not vice versa. I told myself that the move was something I was willing to do so we could be together, but that I wouldn't do it without knowing he was really in it and wanted the same future I do.


Recently, though, I've been feeling like I don't want to move at all, and wondering why I should be the one to do it if we both want the relationship to work. I guess I'm just trying to figure out if I should end things and hope that we can remain friends, or if I should suck it up and move for a future I hope we'll have.

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously to Group Therapy for advice and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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testadura67 testadura67 5 years
Stop thinking in terms of what you're afraid you'll lose, and start thinking in terms of what you're excited to gain. When you think of staying, are you excited about your career and the possibilities there? Or is it just a good job where you could move forward and it gives you security so you want to stick with it? When you think of moving to your boyfriend are you super stoked about building a future and a family together? Or are you going out of a sense of duty to your relationship, that it's time to make it a priority or call it quits? I think whichever option makes you more excited is the one to go with. You risk losing something both ways, so either decision is scary, but go with the one that gets you the most excited. Life's too short for anything less.
missmaryb missmaryb 5 years
I agree with biwife. And I would like to add that in a long distance relationship someone is generally going to have to sacrifice and move to the other person's town if you are going to have any future. You very obviously don't want to make that sacrifice. There's nothing wrong with that, just make sure you follow your heart. If you don't want to leave and love your life where you are, then you should stay and do what's best for you. You wouldn't want to give up your whole life and later regret it. Both you and your boyfriend need to do some soul searching and heart to heart talking to figure out what you expect from this relationship.. Good luck.
BiWife BiWife 5 years
I tend to believe that exes are exes for a reason and getting back together to "try and make it work" isn't exactly a recipe for happiness. If you were with someone while you two were broken up, I don't understand how that could create trust issues. Was there cheating involved that led to the break-up and your subsequent relationship? If so, I'd say this is a disaster waiting to happen. You could both need a clean slate and fresh start with someone else depending on where the trust issues come from.
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