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Inviting Ex-Friend With Benefits to Wedding

Group Therapy: Fiancé Wants to Invite His Ex-FWB to Our Wedding

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

My fiancé and I are just starting the wedding planning process! One of the first things we did was to make a guest list. He asked if it would bother me if he invited this girl . . . they used to be really good friends and would hook up whenever they were both single.

Normally this wouldnt bother me, my guest list has a guy that I was FWB with in college, but I just get a weird vibe about his relationship with this girl. A few months ago he was cleaning out his wallet and he had a picture of her in there, they only talk when I'm not around, and the girl broke up with her long-term boyfriend a few months ago and has been in contact with my fiancé a lot more telling him she misses him.

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I trust my fiancé completely and if he wants this girl there because of their friendship I understand, but I just feel like looking over at our wedding and seeing him talking to her will make me uncomfortable. He says the main reason he wants to invite her is because her brother is one of his best friends so will definitely be invited and he doesnt want her feelings to get hurt if she is left out. Am I being unreasonable?

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Bubbles12 Bubbles12 5 years
The invitation list isn't the problem. Getting married to this guy now is the problem. Slow down. This guy clearly is not done with an ex and is still gaming. He could be crazy about you and crazy about someone else at the same time. It matters how he treats you too and this picture business and secrets should stop you in your tracks. I have a now married ex from years years ago who told me recently I'm his soul mate, "...(my wife) certainly is not". And I found out he's been having an affair with another friend of ours for years. Do you want that? His wife btw, is amazing in every way, I know he loves her very much and they've been married a long time. He'd be devastated if she left. Is he worth it? No way. I kicked him to the curb within a year because of his interest in other women for some reason felt like a put down, it was subtle but hurt. So glad I listened to my feelings and left. One of those women he talked very highly about btw was the friend he's now having the affair. Some guys like to play women off each other. Sounds like you could be headed down the same road. Ick.
katka313 katka313 6 years
Wow. First off, you need to clear some things up before you get married to this guy. If you get a weird vibe, trust that; your instincts are hardly ever wrong. Sit him down, talk to him about his relationship with her. In my experience, if he protests too much or gets all cagey, he's probably hiding something. With that said, don't be surprised if he throws your FWB in your face. Calmly explain the differences in the relationship (i.e. "I don't carry his picture around in my wallet"). It's your wedding and you shouldn't have to feel awkward or resentful at it. If he is a stand up guy, he willunderstand that. Hash it out now rather than 10 years down the line and when you two have kids.
trinitycc trinitycc 6 years
One thing though; your fiance is good friends with the ex-fwb bother. At some point, that girl is going to be at a bbq or some other party; just as you are now friends with the wife of your ex-fwb so they both come around. I know, it's different because your ex-fwb is married now. If you relent and let her come to the wedding (make him feel like you are sooo great and understanding), tell him it's so she realizes that YOU are the only one in his life now no matter how much she misses him. Ask him how would he feel if an ex of yours called and said he misses you. It's great that you are having these conversations now; tell him any conversations with the ex-fwb in the future will be on speaker phone with you in the room. Be friendly with her and offer advice in the guy department; that should cut the calls.
HollyJRockNRoll HollyJRockNRoll 6 years
Finally read everyone's comment, including your OP. He is pouty about it because no one likes to be told what to do. Let him get over it. You are in the right, and frankly you still should find out why this chola is up in his wallet. Um, sketch.
HollyJRockNRoll HollyJRockNRoll 6 years
You need to talk to this your fiance. Why was her picture in his wallet? Also, why does he only talk to her when you are not around. Personally, I would not be comfortable with this women in my life. Your situation sounds very different from his. Better to hash things out than after you are married.
JaimeLeah526 JaimeLeah526 6 years
If it will make you uncomfortable for any reason she shouldn't be there. I get the sense that you don't really trust him though or else it wouldn't be a big deal. Also, there could be the fact that you have lingering feelings for your FWB that you project onto their relationship. Maybe he doesn't want to make you uncomfortable by talking to her in front of you. If you have a problem with it speak up now before the wedding and tell him you're uncomfortable with their current relationship. It's not okay in my book for a woman to tell your fiance that she misses him. And.. I agree with the above poster, you can't invite your FWB if he can't invite his. Talk about a double standard.
Miss-Senorita Miss-Senorita 6 years
No matter the circustances you can't invite your FWB then question why he wants to invite his. Either you trim him off your list or let him invite his. Simple as that.
jessr1214 jessr1214 6 years
Thanks for your input everyone. I talked to him and as soon as he realized I was uncomfortable, he immediately said he wouldn't invite her. I felt like he was pretty defensive/pouty about it though so I still feel weird about it. About the picture...it was of just her on the day she graduated from college. He seemed genuinely surprised that it was in there and threw it out right away, but to me it still refutes his "she was just a good friend and we happened to hook up a few times" argument. lickety split, you are exactly right. Even though the issue is 'resolved' it still leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
lickety-split lickety-split 6 years
her being at your wedding; not the problem him WANTING her there at your wedding; the problem. surely you don't think this issue is going to be forever "fixed/ended" by her not attending your wedding.
jazzytummy jazzytummy 6 years
*boyfriend's jump offs.
jazzytummy jazzytummy 6 years
His fwb sounds like more to me...she broke up with someone, and is calling your fiance and telling him she misses him. Sorry, but this is not ok. This is why I think fwb is a shitty idea...it blurs boundaries in so many ways that have little to do with sex. This chick sounds emotionally attached to your guy, and labeling it fwb is not facing reality. It's your wedding, the last place you want to be stressing about one of your ex's jump offs. If she is that dependent on him now, how will she act at your wedding? I think it is unpredictable, and could be a potentially bad situation. You are going to be stressed enough as it is on that day, why add more? I get that everyone is just screwing everyone these days and labeling the behavior cute names like fuckbuddies and friends with benefits, but I can honestly say, it doesn't sound worth the hassle.
Anne26 Anne26 6 years
Honestly, if he can't accept that you do not want her there because it will ruin your wedding. You should revaluate if he will be making those type of decisions when your married. He should care about you enough to give that up and not invite her knowing you will feel uncomfortable. :-)
missmaryb missmaryb 6 years
I think you should either agree to have both fwb's there or neither.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 6 years
I'm with Greg on this one. If you want her off the list, be prepared to get yours off the list (just in case, he brought it up as a defensive argument). Tch. This is why my husband and I eloped LOL, at least we totally had no exes in our ceremony. We only had people whom we cared about (as witnesses) attending. I also totally got Vanonymous's argument too though, it's your wedding day, dude, he's marrying you and not this other girl, you can actually rub it in her face or something :p not that it'll make you feel less uneasy about the whole thing. Be direct, this is going to be your husband. You guys need to have clear boundaries what are ok or not ok in terms of friendship with opposite sex way before you guys even got engaged. If you're uncomfortable with her being there, tell him why. Be honest on the why part. Don't start a married life feeling uneasy, you guys are supposed to be partners and work together as a team. P.S. I'm a little confused that he got his ex FWB (not an ex gf? but an ex fwb? Hmmm) in his wallet only a few months ago. Are u sure it's not like a pic with her and others in it? This may also be a sign that you need to give him a new wallet or something :D
Rory1225 Rory1225 6 years
I'd be weirded out by them too. Who keeps a picture of an ex in their wallet? They only talk when you aren't there? There seems to be some fishy things going on. I would just straight up ask him and tell him you feel uncomfortable and offer to eliminate your FWB so that noone who has seen either of you naked is there.
Vanonymous Vanonymous 6 years
Hmm, I'm in the minority here - but I do think you're being a little unreasonable. And I stress "little" because I totally see where you're coming from. I would hate the thought of being uncomfortable at all at my own wedding. But maybe you should just work on not being uncomfortable with it. It's possible he talks to her when you're not around b/c you get mad at him when he talks to her. Try to be understanding that they are friends and the past is the past. He's marrying YOU. He loves YOU. He proposed to YOU. If I were you, I'd be thrilled to have her there. Go ahead and rub it in her face that he's off the market!
GregS GregS 6 years
Don't dance around the issue with him, and don't let him play games, either. If he wants her brother there, invite him. You need to be clear about why you feel uneasy about her. You also need to be prepared to edit your FWB out of your list as well. If it's weird for you to see her, it'll likely be weird for him to see yours.
vabeachbum vabeachbum 6 years
Maybe you can find a different way to approach it than "I don't want this girl there because she's your ex." Is it going to be a small wedding? If so, maybe try approaching it from a financial perspective. Start it by saying "I really want so and so and her husband to be there, but I just don't know if we have the money to invite so many people. I think we might have to trim our guest list a bit." That way, it doesn't come off as being so personal.
jessr1214 jessr1214 6 years
I'm the OP. The only reason my old fwb is invited is because I am really good friends with his wife. Sounds weird I know but our physical relationship was very short lived, after that he started dating this wonderful woman who is now his wife and we have become really close over the years. No way would I invite him if it weren't for her. I think that you guys are right in that I need to sit down with him and have a general discussion about exes and boundaries. I know I tend to be a jealous person so I worry about that clouding my instincts.
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 6 years
It's your wedding and as the bride you get a small number of diva cards to play. If you want to spend one, you can probably keep her away from your day. But you'll have to be sweet and understanding about pretty much everyone else your fiancé wants invited. You probably want to sit down with your guy and have a polite discussion about exes. An old FWB is still an ex. You both have to decide what the rules are. How much communication is too much? How much secrecy is permissible? Do it now. Don't wait. Otherwise your fiancé will continue to do whatever feels right to him, without any specific input from you. And the result might not be so good.
Rjs-baby-girl Rjs-baby-girl 6 years
Why do they only talk when you are not around? What does he tell her when she says she misses him? Have you ever talked about your feelings about this girl with your fiancé before he even became your fiancé? If you have a weird vibe about her, it is something that should have been cleared up way before now. It doesn't seem to me like you trust him completely on this particular matter. You should have a good talk with him before you send an invitation to this woman.
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