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I've Never Been Kissed, but Don't Want Pity

"I've Never Been Kissed, but Don't Want Pity"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

The other day I was watching Kourtney and Kim Take New York (I know, I know not the best show to be watching) and they mentioned how Kim felt sorry that her friend has never felt /been in love before. This reminded me a lot of myself. I'm 20, approaching 21, and have never had a boyfriend, been kissed or have engaged in anything physical or even emotional with a guy. I mean, I have liked guys and been close to relationships, but one just hasn't happened yet.

My friend came over the other day and asked if I have ever kissed anyone because she knows that I've never been in a relationship. When I said no, she made an "I feel sorry for you" face. She then said, "Awww! I could hook you up with someone!" She really felt sorry for me, but I don't want her to. I told her not to bother because I preferred my situation and I didn't need anyone (I kinda felt like the old lady from the Swiffer commercial).


However, I'm not fine, and I do feel sorry for myself, I just try not to show it. I don't want anyone else to feel sorry for me, though, especially not my close friends. I used to be so proud of not ever having a boyfriend in high school, but now it's just plain embarrassing. I really don't know what to do to stop people from feeling sorry for me or seeing me as an innocent girl who has no experience.

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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Join The Conversation
dikke-kus dikke-kus 5 years
Not even kissed? Eh, Thats a little odd I think. This post is odd. Are you working? in school? What do you do all day? I kissed (lips only) my first little boyfriend in 4th grade! Seriously though I had my first real kiss at 16. Not sex just kissing. Normal high school stuff. 21? I was a junior in college then. Where are you, in your parents basement or something? It's not that you need to have sex but not even a kiss? Stop feeling sorry for yourself, smile, be positive. Get out there and meet people. Take up your friends offer. Maybe she would find someone you actually like. If you don't then so what. Stop watching TV. Take an active part of life.
steph1234 steph1234 5 years
People put WAY too much emphasis on kissing and sex. These things are NOT a pivotal point of your life and then you will find out the secret to happiness or some trash like that. If you're not ready, then don't do it..simple as that. It doesn't matter if people feel sorry for you. It does matter, however that you feel sorry for yourself. You need to figure out what you want out of life and go for it. Find what makes you happy. Eventually it will happen if you date....
hilberkl hilberkl 5 years
I was pretty much the same situation. I didn't have a serious relationship or sex until I was 21. I was embarrased at first, but now I am 29 and very proud of the fact that I waited. I have nothing against having sex earlier, it just wasn't for me. I knew when I was ready and you will too. You do have to put yourself out there, but don't change who you are just to have sex.
lcrox07 lcrox07 5 years
I agree with Betty Wayne. You might be taking like a little too seriously. It's awesome that you have morals and it's very admirable and respectful, however, maybe you should let down your hair a little. I don't mean go crazy, but perhaps your first kiss shouldn't be your future husband. How else are you going to know what you truly want?
kurniakasih kurniakasih 5 years
Since you know what you want now (to have an emotional and physical connection with a boy), then like Betty said, put yourself out there to date. Just because you may not find one attractive, but if someone asks you out, hey, why not, get to know him, maybe you'll like him, maybe you won't. No harm done. It's just dating. If your friend said that they'd 'hook you up' or introduce you to a guy, just agree to it if you think it's a good match (your friends will tell you what the other person is like before setting you up on a date usually). Why not, I mean, when I was single (and in my mid 20s), lots of people try to 'hook me up' with their single male friends. And I was always agreeable to the idea (if I weren't dating anyone at that time) because I was putting myself out there to date. Heck I even met my husband because a friend pushed me to date him. Like you, I've gotten people feeling 'sorry' because I haven't met the right one yet (these people were the married couples, mind you LOL), so they really want me to join that circle I guess. But I wasn't too stressed out about what they thought of me. Enjoy dating life, sweetie. It'll be fun, don't stress about what other people are thinking, you can't help what they want to think (just like other people can't influence you if you have a will of your own). Good luck.
Bettye-Wayne Bettye-Wayne 5 years
I know this isn't the answer you want. But despite your denials it sounds like you really do want a relationship. I honestly don't think you're proud of your man-free status anymore. I agree with Pazuzu that you need to figure out what's holding you back, no offense but women don't reach age 21 without finding the right guy to *kiss* unless there are some underlying issues. Or you live in a horrible underworld filled with trolls. Are your standards too high? Or have you just built it up into such a momentous occasion that you're waiting for some perfect hearts & doves moment that will never realistically happen? I find it interesting how you completely externalize the problem (people feeling sorry for you), with no focus on what you can do for yourself. As said above, what people think about you is none of your business and you need to start putting yourself out there.
henna-red henna-red 5 years
You can't control how other people feel. You can only control how you feel, how you act, what you choose. And what other people think about you is actually none of your business. And if you roll that around in your mind, you will discover that it's very freeing. What other people think of you is none of your business. And if it's none of your business, you don't need to worry about it. You only need to worry about what you think, what you feel. And if you're feeling sorry for yourself, then get up off your ass and do something. I don't mean run out and find the nearest piece of ass, you have already made the choice not to do what doesn't feel right. Good for you! That is exactly right. Continue with that. Do the things that you enjoy. Attracting people to is about confidence. Having confidence is knowing what your enjoy and persuing that. And not worrying about what other people think. When you're enjoying your life, and it's obvious, people will see tht and be attracted to it, to you. When you enjoy the company of a man, and he enjoys yours, and you feel it's right, it will be right. It's not like there's some age requirement for your first experiences, for kissing, for sexual contact. If you're wanting those experiences, then it's time to be more proactive about spending social time with guys. Find social activity where you can meet some people, spend time, have fun. Get off your butt, act on your desires. Sitting around moping won't get you anywhere. Have some fun. And don't worry so much about it. It happens when it happens, when you meet the person you want it to happen with, when youtake the steps that lead there. Go to the gymn, go bowling, go grocery shopping, join a book club, do stuff. Get out there. Have fun. Blessed be
Pazuzu Pazuzu 5 years
You shouldn't feel sorry for yourself, you should be proud. You turned down two guys because you knew it wasn't right. At least you haven't jumped into bed with a guy and now regret it. There a lot of women out there just like you. There's probably some community where you can all talk about your choices, look around the Internet and see if you can find one. However, you might want to look deeper to see what's holding you back. Are you insecure, afraid of intimacy, worried about your sexuality? I'm not saying there's anything wrong with you, just maybe you have some issue. I had never kissed a guy until I was 18 ( i was his first kiss too),we're still together now and happy as can be. It doesn't matter how many partners you have. If you're really insecure about it maybe try a dating site or joining a singles community in your town. Don't get a boyfriend because of social pressures though, do it because you're ready. I don't think you should feel sorry for yourself but I understand how you feel, if you want to talk more in depth feel free to message me.
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