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I've Never Had an Orgasm!

I've Never Had an Orgasm!

Dear Sugar--

For almost a year now I have been involved with a man, and it was great for a while, I still feel there is a lot of chemistry between us inside and outside the bedroom, the thing is I never have orgasms when we have sex, I don't know why, maybe it's the fact that he's married and I feel like crap for being in a relationship of this nature but truth be told...I've never had an orgasm during sex, I'm 29 years old and I'm scared something is wrong with me, I need some advice.

--Unsatisfied Samantha

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Unsatisfied Samantha--

I really doubt that something is wrong with you - many women don't have orgasms during sex, or ever at all, which is a sad truth. It may be a good idea to spend some time alone with yourself to figure out what you like and what gets you excited. Then when you're with a guy, you can tell him (or show him) how to push your buttons. While you're at it, you can also tell him to slow down - it's like a 50-meter dash with some guys - they make it to the finish line before you've even laced up your sneakers.

Another thing - foreplay is HUGE. And I'm not talking about 10 minutes of kissing your neck. I'm talking about ALL DAY foreplay. It starts in the morning, when he wakes up, rolls over to give you a 5-minute hug, and then makes you breakfast. Then later on in the day he calls you and tells you he misses you, and asks you to go to dinner. Maybe you find a sweet note he left in your car, and later before dinner, he tells you how soft your hair is, or how cute you look in your new jeans. Then after dinner he says, "Maybe we should plan a weekend away, just the two of us."

That's right - when it comes to being sexually aroused, we need to be warmed up emotionally too. Women are all about their feelings, so when we feel loved, wanted, desired, and appreciated, sex is bound to be amazing.

Also, an orgasm's not going to be happening if you have your mind on something, or the orgasm itself, which brings up the fact that you're sleeping with a married man. I know you don't need me to tell you to stop seeing him, but since you seem to know it's wrong, that could be your major buzz kill right there. Find yourself a single guy, so he can give you all his love and attention. You shouldn't be sharing your man with anyone else. Good luck!


Asi Asi 9 years
May be foreplay is TOO huge? I mean may be you miss the best moment for sex and for orgasm. Have you ever heard about herb Sentia pills for women? I used to take them when I had problems with sex drive and I started to feel so called intercourse, or vaginal, orgasms after it. So may be they are worth using in your situation...
Realblonde Realblonde 10 years
Have you ever made love to a woman? Orgasm is almost always guaranteed! ha ha. Anyway, he is married and they NEVER leave their wives. Move on...
mortiana mortiana 10 years
As I said before, thank you for commenting but I think this woman should first of all analyze where she stands, what she wants in life, and be ready to pay the consequences of her actions. WHat I do agree on is that affairs are wrong a lot of people get hurt, I have a friend who is in one and all the comments will be great for her so I will tell her to sign in to Dear Sugar. I do believe also that the "O" issue will not happen if the situation is not confortable enough and knowing that she is in a relationship that is prohibited well that has a lot to do with her being orgasm-less. I do agree with Fashion Doll it takes 2 to cheat, so it's both their faults but maybe this woman needs someone to put some sense into her and I believe this section of comments is to help others out not to judge.
mortiana mortiana 10 years
Thabk you for all the comments.
vmruby vmruby 10 years
He obviously doesn't have much sense and IMO has very little respect for his wife or any woman for that matter, but she should know better, because karma has a way of giving it back. And please, I sincerly doubt that this so called "hard time" she's getting from a bunch of strangers is going to stop her.(Which by the way she opened up that can of worms by posting here in a public forum for everyone else to comment on). I stand by my previous post.She should not be sleeping with with a married man, IT'S WRONG! Not having an orgasm while having sex ,is the very least of her problems. Maybe the reason she can't is possibly caused by guilt?
fashion_doll24 fashion_doll24 10 years
I've been there myself, and trust me summer roberts, it's definitely NOT always about your guy not being willing to help you get there! It just takes more time for some of us to get to know what feels good and what doesn't. And although I'm not a big fan of cheating AT ALL, is anyone here considering the fact that it takes two to cheat?? He is the one that's married, so why should she be called a homewrecker?? If he really loved his wife he wouldn't be with anyone else. So stop giving her a hard time, I think she's getting the picture already.
summer-roberts summer-roberts 10 years
Perhaps the truth here is that he is unwilling to help you get there. Otherwise he would want you to enjoy it as much as he does, right? Why would you continue to be with someone for over a year(married or not)who obviously does not care about your being satisfied? Respect your self enough to get out of this relationship as soon as possible.
brookrene brookrene 10 years
Okay, so the issue at hand is not the fact that he is married here, so i wont discuss that. The issue is the big O. Having had problems myself sucks and you begin to think you never will with a guy. Honestly, you need to take some time to explore your own body. Take time one day to figure out what you think feels good, gentle touch or firmer, etc. Even if you dont experience the O, you'll have a starting place and you can go from there. Also, having a partner whom you feel completely comfortable with is key. You must really be willing to open up emotionally and physically. Even if it feels great, sex can make you feel extremely vulnerable. Sometimes it may take a while for all the planets to align, but it'll get easier if you work on it.
honey31 honey31 10 years
Guilt!Date a man who is not married!I agree with nicadema and no one should encourage you to carry on this relationship because its wrong!!!
rosa-tea rosa-tea 10 years
i agree with this point, orgasms are the last thing you need to worry about.
Nicadema Nicadema 10 years
LOL I agree with vmruby, as another married woman myself, your attitude would deserve an a$$whooping.
vmruby vmruby 10 years
Are you kidding?You are interfering in someone else's marriage and all you can be concerned about is not having an orgasm. Why don't you try respecting the fact that he is already in a COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP!!!!I only hope that there are no children involved.You know the old saying "what goes around comes around".Hopefully some day when you get married your husband doesn't do the same thing to you. I'm a married woman and i've just got to say that if it were me you would be scraping your a$$ off the sidewalk.......
sexyeyes sexyeyes 10 years
OMG :jawdrop: I can't believe you've never had an orgasm! I also agree with DearSugar... Try to play by yourself with some toys that you might find attractive to you. Have lots of foreplay. Once you know you your body and your private parts then you can tell him how and what to do... Girl once you get there you'll never want him to stop. P.S. DO NOT BE SHY ABOUT PLAYING WITH YOURSELF. IT'S NORMAL!
L7amiguita L7amiguita 10 years
If you really felt like crap, you wouldn't still be sleeping with him. Face it, you're always going to be the "other woman," "home-wrecker" or "sloppy seconds." I'm sorry, but it just makes me SO mad that you are concerned about sex, rather than feeling guilty that you are involved with a married man. I hope he doesn't have kids, you both should be ashamed...
andaman andaman 10 years
He is married? I didn't see that bit. Oh honey, what's up with you? You can't post a question and not expect other people to have a go. GET OUT. Why are you with this guy? What about his wife? He made a commitment to her, he should be man enough to be honest. You are so wrong for having sex with him. Raise your moral standard please. Have a little respect for other people please even if you don't know them (meaning his wife).
andaman andaman 10 years
Do you think you might like girls? Is it possible that you get turn on by watching lovely women naked? If it is, be honest with yourself and explore it. Don't cheat, tell him and ask yourself. Best of luck darling.
XDeexDeeX XDeexDeeX 10 years
You SHOULD feel like crap. The guy's married! I don't want to be hurtful and all but the guy is married and you're sleeping with him?
vpp917 vpp917 10 years
if ur thinkin bout other things while having sex then NO WAY will u get an orgasm.. u need to relax & jus enjoy it.. also foreplay helps a lot too.. & maybe u havent found that certain sex position.. usually grls get orgasm when on top.. but i dont even think u shud have an affair wit a married man.. its wrong & u have no idea on how many ppl u're hurtin `=T
lickety-split lickety-split 10 years
you're sexually involved with someone who isn't available because they are married and you're worried about orgasms? i have to wonder why you mentioned that piece of information. as the years go by, 5, 10, whatever, being second choice will probably come more naturally for you. it's been a year and a half now, so just sit back and see what happens. taking leftovers seems to be your thing, after awhile maybe you won't be anymore bothered by your lack of orgasms than you are by the fact that your partner has a wife. see what you have to look forward to?
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 10 years
I think it's karma.
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