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I've Uncovered My Mom's Affair And I'M Not Sure What To Do About It

I've Uncovered My Mom's Affair And I'M Not Sure What To Do About It

Dear Sugar
I’ve recently eavesdropped and heard my parents talking about an affair that my mother is having. They talked about things like her cutting off all contact with this new man and salvaging their marriage with the help of counseling.

I felt that it was best to leave them alone, and that it wasn’t really any of my business, but now that I know, I wonder if they will ever plan to tell me. I am a little bit afraid of my desire to want to talk to them about this because I know I’ve been acting differently toward my Mother since I’ve found out. I feel so sorry for my Dad and I hate seeing him in pain.

What’s worse yet is some new information that I’ve uncovered about the affair that even my father doesn’t know about and I am not sure how to handle it.

I’ve got this thing with other people using my computer - I don’t like it. So I run a key logger (that I wrote myself) that allows me to see if my parents are monitoring me, or using it without my permission.

I’ve learned to my dismay that my mother has been using MY computer to e-mail with her "friend" and I can see every single e-mail transaction between them. Not only are they still corresponding, but they are planning more sex dates behind my dad’s back.

In about a month, we are moving to a new house. But I feel like if I tell my dad what has been going on, it will change everything. I can only imagine that he’d want to get a divorce and thus, want to move into a smaller place. This will be the second time (that I know of) that she’s gone behind his back and lied to him.

I really like this new house, and I think I would be super upset to lose the house and have to deal with a divorce. I don’t want one of them to be stuck with a huge bill though because one of them can’t afford the house alone. This is my senior year of high school, and I don’t want it to be filled with fights and moves and sadness...but I love my dad and I want him to know the truth. What should I do? Torn Victoria

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Torn Victoria
I am a bit of a nosy nelly, and I hate liars, so if it were me, I’d tell my Mom that I am upset with her for two reasons:

  • 1. She’s broken your trust and uses your computer without your permission.
  • 2. Not only have you overheard the conversation between your parents about her affair, but now you’ve seen correspondences between her and the strange man which have given you every right to make you feel angry and hurt.

Coming clean will feel very good. This isn’t your fault but it’s going to dramatically effect you; and there’s no reason for you to have to bear the burden of lying to either parent any longer.

When you are speaking to your Mom, be sure and tell her that you are planning on talking to your dad about it. How can she possibly expect you to ever keep a secret from either of them - and wouldn’t she want you to talk to her if the situation was reversed?

Also - don’t worry about your parent’s finances. That’s between them and they will inform you if it’s going to be of any concern to you.

This isn’t going to be easy on you. Just remember that this is a family matter and I wouldn’t go around talking to your friends about it. If you want to talk to somebody for catharsis and advice, I suggest seeking the outlet of a professionally trained counselor.

You don’t want to air your family’s dirty laundry around town – especially since there is a chance that if your mom and dad were willing to work it out the first time, they might try that route again instead of getting a divorce.

Join The Conversation
awkwardturtle awkwardturtle 8 years
yikes that sounds like a really tough spot and even though it may feel better to avoid talking about it that may just hurt you more in the long run....
t0xxic t0xxic 11 years
p.a.m. I thought the house comment was a little selfish to. I mean do what u think is right or dont but dont base it on something material. lol to EP tho. At least ur honest and know why ud do it.
pinkangelmonkey pinkangelmonkey 11 years
i say def. confront your mom. tell her your planning to tell your dad so it gives her the opportunity to tell him first since it is between her and him. but come on now, dont keep it from him to keep a house you want. unless you plan on getting a job and help making payments when they are separated and cant make payments on their own!
ethiopian_princess ethiopian_princess 11 years
how do you do a key logger?
ethiopian_princess ethiopian_princess 11 years
do you like the house enough to close your eyes to the situation? i personally would shut my mouth, but my parents are already divorced and if hell froze over and they somehow ended up back together, i so wouldn't squeal on my mom. i'll take solace in a cushy new home. frankly, i don't like my dad enough and if i were to tell him, it'd only be to hurt him. since most families are less dysfunctional, i think you should go with sugar's sage-like advice.
lilxmissxmolly lilxmissxmolly 11 years
Talk to the both about what you know and in that conversation let your dad know that they are still in contact.
Masqueraded_Angel Masqueraded_Angel 11 years
Talk to them both about it at the same time. This is a family matter, and it needs to stay as such. If you talk to her while in front of your dad, then there won't be any room for her to lie about it once you show her the proof (i.e. e-mails and such) After you've uncovered her, leave them alone to talk it out.
frugalfashiongrl frugalfashiongrl 11 years
Oh that's sad. :(
Adriana42 Adriana42 11 years
thats a sad situation to be in but i think ur dad deserves to know.
yayita yayita 11 years
Tell her, I always feel is better to comunicate instead of repressing feelings
t0xxic t0xxic 11 years
MO ur not being harsh what she is doing isss sooo wrong and to be careless? I like ur idea on maybe she will break it off bc it is a hard secret to hold my worry now is that bc shes stilldoing it after they are gonna work it out is she doesnt care. She got away with it an thinks she will continue to so she doesnt care if she is hurting anyone.
My-Opinion My-Opinion 11 years
victoria maybe your mom will feel so bad once you show her the emails that she really will break it off with the 'boyfriend' oooh, sorry you have to go thru it, that really sucks! Once you tell your mom, let her know that it will be difficult to carry her adultery secret around too while looking your dad (who thinks they're gonna work it out) in the eyes! I'm sorry to say harsh stuff like that toward your mom but what she is doing is very selfish and wrong! Hope it works out for the good and for the best*
t0xxic t0xxic 11 years
Oh and just a quick mothers point of view. U might not want to start it off with the fact that ur mad at them using ur computer with out ur permission to montior u or for personal use. Her point will be shes ur mother and can do what she wants while ur in her house. LOL so be careful on that one.
t0xxic t0xxic 11 years
Defintely not ur place to tell ur dad. And if u feel the need to talk to ur mom. Good advice sugar. Cept I defintely dont see it as ur place to tell ur dad. As much as u dont want to see him hurt he is a grown man and this is his marraige. And def not something u want on ur back if things go sour. Also you should be a little less concerned with the house and struggles or fighting in your senior year and lean more towards helping ur mom keep busy if that be the case this is going on.
KimmiAnn KimmiAnn 11 years
I third that notion...Telling HER and not your Dad, all of the info you know, keeps you from overstepping your bounds. Hopefully, just knowing you know what you do, will knock some sense into your mom and she'll come clean to your dad. Good luck with this and you'll be in my thoughts.
crispet1 crispet1 11 years
Wow, Im sorry this had to happen, Vitoria. You have been put in an uncomfortable situation. I think the advice here is good--talk to your mom and let her know that if she does not tell your dad the whole truth, then you will be forced to tell him. You cant choose sides and you cant carry her secret. Chances are if your mom explains her reason for hiding all of this from your dad (and obviously having an affair in the first place), then they will be able to have a conversation that will expose what theyve been meaning to say to each other all along. Honesty is always the best policy in this case. Good luck!
My-Opinion My-Opinion 11 years
ooh touchy..but good advice Dearsugar* Victoria, you should definately let your mom know that you know everything., show her the emails and ask her how would she feel if her man was doing that to her. Not cool of her at all!, with the 'let's make it work, i'll cut off all ties', man sounds to me like she's the one that needs counseling!
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