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Jealous of Other Women: Advice?

Group Therapy: I'm Introverted and Single — How Can I Get Noticed?

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

As a 20-something girl I'm pretty much used to comparing myself to other girls from my years in high school. I know there's not some magical formula to becoming okay with yourself, but I know there are steps or habits that can alleviate the terrible misery of constantly feeling less than.

I've been single for over two years. Not really saying this is bad. I guess in retrospect I've needed this time to focus on school (and to date total assholes who have taught me a lot about myself). But now I've reached a point in my life where I'm like "okay, I'm actually ready right now to give this a shot." But I'm finding myself being intimidated by all the other girls in the dating pool.


Keep reading for the rest of the dilemma and to share your advice!

I know exactly what triggered it. I have a pretty solid friend group, and recently it's been getting bigger through mutual friends/common interests and stuff. So basically there's this new girl that I think beats me in every arena. She's prettier, her hair is longer and not fake (like mine), and she's much more of an extrovert than I am. More . . . voluptuous. She even dresses better than me, which is something I pride myself on (unfortunately). Obviously the problem here is ME and MY perceptions, but all my friends kind of validate my defeatist thinking by praising her, blah blah, wanting to be around her more often. No one really strives to hang out with me if you know what I mean. I'm just kinda there.

I am more quiet and reserved, and she's more of the party girl. I'm the type of person who becomes fun/hilarious once you get to know me, and I've become comfortable with you. And I envy her ability to walk in and snag attention instantly, while I'm more like a slow burning type of interest.

ANYWHO, it just made me think that as far as men go (college-aged guys who need instant gratification), no one will want to be bothered with cracking my shell. I am by no means a hermit or incredibly awkward or super stuck up, I'm just nervous around new people. And I've tried so hard to NOT be this way, but it's impossible. It's practically genetic and irreversible.

I know that it's useless to feel ugly and weird, but I don't know how else to feel. All the guys who have ever shown interest with me have conveniently been friends of friends. But as I leave college and venture out, I won't have that luxury anymore when we all disperse into our separate lives.


Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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Join The Conversation
jenjen82 jenjen82 5 years
You should read the book Fabulosity by Kimora Lee Simmons. And like other people said, you could be the most amazing "it" girl out there but there is always someone who has more looks, charm, wardrobe, etc. That's life. Maybe hang out with this girl you admire (or is it envy) one on one for a girls day and you could possibly pick up on some of her ways? That may or may not work. I think you should just find ways to give yourself a confidence boost.
ChrissyLee ChrissyLee 5 years
It's time for you to find things to do outside this group of friends. I'm sure they are great to go out with and have fun, but putting yourself in an environment where you feel confident and you're doing something you enjoy will make you happy and draw others to you. It's going to take time to find a good guy who will be patient with you and "crack your shell" but they do exist. Don't totally get rid of your friends, but do things without them that remind you of what a unique and great person you are. If you are consistently expanding your group of friends you will always have new people to meet.
GTCB GTCB 5 years
I am going to take a different tack here. You need a change of venue/scene that does not include your group of friends. Your confidence is being challenged in your usual routine so you need to do something different. Why don't you sign up for a running clinic or some other group activity where everyone is a stranger? I can tell you from personal experience (mine) that guys do get involved in things like that with an eye on the opposite sex.
onlysourcherry onlysourcherry 5 years
Aw, you sound really sweet and smart, and like you're learning about yourself and growing up. All will come in time. But if you want a concrete piece of advice about catching a guy's attention: eye contact. While your friend is dazzling the crowd, catch a guy's eye across the room, smile and then look down. Repeat (ideally with the same guy). Works wonders!
kimmieb124 kimmieb124 5 years
There are lots of introverted and reserved people who find love. The bar/club scene may not be the most comfortable for you to meet people since you're more reserved, but remember that even once you leave the social network of college, you will still have opportunities to meet people through work and mutual friends. Life doesn't end after college. Actually, work is a great way for introverted people to get to know other people because you can come out of your shell over time. I also think there is a difference between being naturally introverted and having self-confidence problems. There are a lot of introverted people out there who still love themselves. I think you need to work on accepting yourself as you are before you worry about finding a man.
missmaryb missmaryb 5 years
First, remember that there will always be someone in your life who's prettier, smarter, sexier, funnier, etc than you. By the same token, there are many people in your life who are not as pretty, smart, sexy, funny, etc as you are. It all washes out in the end. The most important thing is to be the best person you can be. A guy who is worth your time will make that effort to "crack your shell." And as for this friend. She may not show it, but she has just as much self doubt as the rest of us. ...because she probably knows someone who is smarter, funnier, sexier, prettier, etc. See what I mean? Focus on impressing yourself. That's all that matters at the end of the day.
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 5 years
You hit the nail on the head when you mentioned coming out of your shell. I want you to watch this six-part TV mini-series that came out as a single DVD. It is called Scenes From a Marriage. It is about a divorced woman who comes out of her shell. Watch this movie if you can, and then tell us about what you think. If you cannot watch the movie, let me know and I have some ideas for you.
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