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Jealous or Right On?

This post comes from Group Therapy in our TrèsSugar Community. Feel free to add your advice in the comments!
Hey Sugars,
I try my very hardest to be a good girlfriend. I hate fighting with my man, so I try to pick my battles carefully. He hates it when I lose control and get emotional and upset, understandably so. But this is what baffles me . . . he is friends with an ex of his who is the opposite of me. She seeks him out constantly and is always whining about her relationships. She always seems to have some crisis that she needs saving from, and he is always there to lend a hand. She is often demanding and annoying. She expects him to drop everything. She gets angry when he doesn't respond to her right away.

When I cry over something or am upset, he gets cold. He says that it's his natural response to me being irrational. I'm jealous that she gets warm attention when she is being all dramatic, but I get a cold shoulder. What's going on here? Does she have his claws in him still?

Sorry if this post is weird and vague. P.S. (We live together and have been together for three years. He's 30; I'm 24.)

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starlotus713 starlotus713 7 years
Did they break up because of the ex's "neediness"? If so, my first reaction is that the reason they are exes and you two are together is that he prefers your style of communicating and dealing with problems over hers. He can probably handle being her friend but not her boyfriend. That being said, I wholeheartedly agree with the posts telling you to dump his lame ass. You shouldn't have to stifle your natural reactions to things or have one of the most important persons in your life be cold to you when you are upset and need comforting and reassurance. There is a guy out there for you who will love and support you no matter what, just as there is a woman out there for your boyfriend who has a personality that is less emotionally expressive than yours. It hurts, I know, but you are still young and have time to find the right person for you - don't waste your time with this jerk.
elizabethsosewn elizabethsosewn 7 years
IF you plan on addressing your boyfriend about any of this, because I whole heartedly agree with what's being said (he's cheating on, or at least emotionally unattached to you) I'd sit down. Think about it. Write it down. Write down the calm logical serious issues that you have, and how you want to address it. Write down exactly how you want to word it when you say it to him. It'll help you talk to him about such a serious issue without getting really emotional, or irrationaly (when i get emotional i really lose all sense of clear thought. I can never defend myself or think of real reasons for issues on the spot either.) Good luck.
Choco-cat Choco-cat 7 years
I think Anonymous posting #13 gave some good advice. I would add that if it's causing a problem in your relationship, you need to talk to your boyfriend about it.
sourcherry sourcherry 7 years
your boyfriend*, sorry!
sourcherry sourcherry 7 years
I've seen this happen for a long time with a close friend. The guy wasn't over his ex, liked being needed by the ex, and was even willing to be a doormat for her just so she would pay attention to him. To top it off the ex was a b*tch that still wanted him to chase her, even though she didn't really want to date him again. Seems like the same is happening here. If he puts up with more that he usually would from a friend (which it seems he does), it's time to move on... Also, I understand that he doesn't like when you get emotional and all, but he's you're boyfriend! A little patience is required! That alone would be a red flag for me...
Shannolyn Shannolyn 7 years
My boyfriend enjoys being the person my friends can talk to about their guy/relationship problems. He offers a sympathetic ear and honest advice when they are looking for the male point of view. However predictably, he can also get a bit defensive and clam up if he thinks *I'm* the one having an issue with *him* so I'm not getting the same open communication (at times). It may be possible something similar is happening here in the scenario described... but unfortunately I think I have to agree with those who think there's something still going on with the boyfriend and his ex. While it might be easier for this guy to deal with someone else's problems rather than face his own, it seems he is putting the needs of his ex before yours. Even if there is no physical evidence of actual cheating, an emotional affair can be much more devastating. And he should at least be sensitive and respectful enough to be think about how this could make you feel--instead he seems to be telling you how to feel.
zawackirz zawackirz 7 years
I think he's cheating on you with her.
totygoliguez totygoliguez 7 years
Hes still in love with the ex. He drops everything for her, is harder on you... it's very fishy. I'm sorry, but you need to drop this guy. When the ex is more important than the girlfriend, then, he needs to be with the ex.
pink-elephant pink-elephant 7 years
When he was with her, she probably pulled stunts like this all the time to get her way. My guess is that he expects it from her because she's always done this and has always been needy and clingy. But more than likely expects more from you because you have presented yourself in a calm, loving and supportive manner.That's probably what attracted him to you. You need to discuss this with him and explain your feelings and continue being the good girlfriend.
Ac2366 Ac2366 7 years
Leave this guy. He can't give you his time and you shouldn't waste your time on him either. This is a no brainer. Your significant other should automatically treat you with respect and put you first. You shouldn't have to ask him to.
It sounds like the poor guy can only handle one whiner at a time. You must be bigger than that or he'll have two X's. Sorry
danizzle danizzle 7 years
there is NO WAY i would ever stand for another woman being prioritized over me. if it was his mother or sister, maybe, but an effen way!! i think you need to analyze your realtionship. how long are you going to stand being # 2?
Acid-Pops Acid-Pops 7 years
To be honest, this guy sounds like a selfish jerk. He's trying to manipulate your natural reactions to certain situations through his coldness because they may make him uncomfortable. You deserve better than that and my advice would be to sit down and explain to him how you feel and if he still treats you like this, you should get rid of him.
Deidre Deidre 7 years
Sounds like the only way you're going to get through to your boyfriend is to be as calm as you can when you explain your concerns to him. Your thoughts on this definitely need to be addressed here! I would tell it to him exactly as you mentioned it in your posting -- that there seems to be a difference in the what he expects from you, and what he tolerates from his ex. Obviously, he doesn't care for her drama since he wants no drama in a relationship with you. But you absolutely are in the right for explaining that you're uncomfortable with him dropping everything for her hissy fits well after they're broken up.
Smacks83 Smacks83 7 years
If he can't deal with you when you are upset about something, and yet drops everything everytime his ex wants him to, then hun you are not the #1 female in his life right now and he is sending that message loud and clear. It would be one thing if thats just how he deals with emotional people in general, but the fact that he deals with you that way (cold shoulder) and his ex another (drops everything for her) then you need to move on to someone else who treats you like you deserve to be treated. That said, I used to be clingy and overly emotional myself but I worked on it (it took time!lol). I suggest for your own piece of mind, if you think you are acting like that, work on it because it will make you a better person in the end (and a better person for when you move on from this jerk).
amelioratelj amelioratelj 7 years
You are righteously jealous. He is definitely sending you a message that she is more important to him than you are, and more worthy of his time, energy, sympathy and patience. I think you need to have a serious sit down talk with him about this.
sniperchika sniperchika 7 years
wow, this is really interesting... i understand how hard it is to be a good girlfriend sometimes. In my past relationships, I was clingier and needier than I probably should have been, but the guys i were with were okay with it. But the guy I'm dating now, I know is not okay with clinginess or neediness or irrational emotions, and it takes a lot for me to hold back and let him have his independence (it is getting easier with time and practice though.) When I have a problem, it is hard to not tell im right away and try to deal with it on my own, and when I'm upset it's hard not to run to him all the time. Of course, if it was anything too bad, I'd go to him and expect him to be there for me, but you know how it is as a girl, sometimes little things make you really upset. But anyways, my point is that if I were in your shoes, I'd be very upset as well. It's hard to keep your problems to yourself to avoid being clingy or needy. If my boyfriend was giving that kind of attention to another girl, I'd call him out on it. You're his girlfriend, the one who should be able to go to him for anything. And if you can't, if youre scared he'll think youre being needy, then some other girl sure as hell shouldnt be able to go to him about the same stuff and get a sweet response. I'd call him out on it if i were you. If he still has feelings for her, which he may, then he doesnt deserve you. Good luck :)
TidalWave TidalWave 7 years
If his friendship with his ex is affecting his relationship with you, then there is a problem.
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