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Letting Boyfriend Rate You

Group Therapy: My Boyfriend Only Rates Me as an 8

This question is an excerpt from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

We were having an extremely superficial conversation, I'm a little ashamed to say. We happened to be talking about a friend of ours having never been with a girl either of us found to be very attractive.

I remembered one past girlfriend of his, and then I said, "No, wait, so-and-so, she was a 10. What a betty. Never mind." He followed that with, "no, she was more like a 6 or 7." I wondered out loud, "Dang, if you thought she was a 6 or 7, what do you think I am?" He said, "Oh! You're like an 8!"


I'm so hurt. I hate to admit it but I've been crying. We've talked about it and he is really sorry, and there is a lot of love here. But I am having a ton of trouble getting over it. I feel like he should think as much of me as I think of him. I'm worried he's settling if he doesn't think I'm that attractive. And maybe it's my perspective, but if you compare it to a grade an 8 is a B-. On my looks.

I've told him how I feel and he's apologized profusely. I know it's mostly vanity, but I can't help how upset I am. Any advice? I'm am prepared to hear "stop whining."

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it, anonymously, to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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Join The Conversation
trinitycc trinitycc 6 years
Ditto to # 32, Asia84. The guys I choose are full of personality, I fall for the inner person not the outer appearance. Like I told one friend who is losing his hair, "You are so much more than your hair", i.e. Bruce Willis, Michael Jordan. So your personality is what is more important, looks can go over time or in a second.
daniland daniland 6 years
I dont think you should be hurt at all, an 8 seems attractive to me. Its an honest answer that even if he tries to take it back, its probably true.
Jake2010 Jake2010 6 years
I think Juicebox07 summed it perfectly.... I am who I am... 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9, or 10.... if you're my girl and I'm your guy... and we're crazy in love & lust with each other.... then that's all that matters...
Padawan-Pri Padawan-Pri 6 years
you're whining too much - no one is a 10.
Burkina Burkina 6 years
A girl you think is a 10 he says is a 6. He thinks you're an 8 so that makes you more beautiful than the other chick. Honestly I think you need to stop whining. Would you cry this much if he said you were an 8 on the kindness scale? Think about it.
Asia84 Asia84 6 years
This is hilarious! I'm with Joe. You shouldn't have been sitting up there talk crap about other chicks your friends dated. Now you feel milky. I would NEVER ask my guy to rate me on some scale? I would never tell him where he is on a scale. Beauty is so subjective. You can like someone who isn't all that but their personality makes them look like a 10 in their eyes. I think you need to focus more on having a better personality (your BF too) than on what people look like. THAT makes you ugly.
Choco-cat Choco-cat 6 years
he just thinks of the numbers differently than you. think of it this way, you thought that ex was a 10 and he said a 6 to 7 but called you an 8 - so that'd make you at least an 11!
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 6 years
A confident woman never has to ask.
irishmary24 irishmary24 6 years
It was the equivalent of '' Does this outfit make my butt look big?'' There's no good answer to it! I understand the insecurity of not being thought of as the best looking. I'll bet there are more things he likes about you than looks. Forget about this one and give him a pass! It will be one more thing to love about you!
imLissy imLissy 6 years
I agree with jadenirvana. We should all have these kinds of problems.
jadenirvana jadenirvana 6 years
This is one of those dangerous "If you had to sleep with my one of my friends at gunpoint, which one would it be?' type conversations that need to never happen. Chalk it up to silliness, and move on! If this is the biggest problem you're having in your relationship, you're in good shape!
petitbijoux petitbijoux 6 years
I think the problem is that guys "rate" girls in the first place. When women are in love they don't usually focus on other guys looks and comparing them to other people that way. We know there are guys hotter than you we just don't care anymore. And if we do rate our guys we are usually looking at the whole picture not just looks.Our guys may not be the worlds "10" but he's our "10" and we want him to feel the same way about us so when we hear an 8 it hurts. But maybe they don't care about it as much as we think they do. That being said people need to get over rating other people that way anyways. Its kinda lame.
searching-soul searching-soul 6 years
Look at the celebrity ratings on this site. All of the hot girls are rated 8 or 9 like, Kim K. Angelina Jolie, Halle Berry, Heidi Klum, Megan fox and sp forth. There aren't too many 10's walking around in real life. 8 is a very good score. You remind me of this episode on the show Girlfriends where Tracy Ross kept hounding her bf to rate her looks. At first he gave her a 10. She knew she was'nt a perfect 10 so she kept bothering him and finally he caved in and gave her a five and then added insult to injury by adding an extra half point for her perky butt. She was so angry and hostile over this number he gave her she almost ruined her relationship with this guy that loved her. Sweetie you need to humble yourself a little before you push your boyfriend away. 8 is a really good number and you should'nt be thinking of yourself as a number anyway. I think you might need to work on your self esteem
snarkypants snarkypants 6 years
you asked him. deal with it.
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 6 years
Kay, Everyone has insecurities. We have the right to expect a certain amount of emotional support from our partners regarding our insecurities. (That's why we have partners, isn't it?) I believe it is crucial for couples to sit down and openly and honestly discuss each other's insecurities and how partners can provide emotional support as each person wrestles with his or her insecurities. (Unfortunately, many couples refuse to do this -- just like the OP -- and they end up with damaged relationships as a result.)
Kaybaybayx Kaybaybayx 6 years
I guess I get where she's coming from. We all like to think our other half think we're perfect. And I guess when you're in love you see no flaws. I was a shell shock to me when my boyfriend started pointing out things that made me THINK he wasn't in love with me. In a way, I would be the same way because I thought he came out of his infatuation with me. But I also realise I am quite insecure and I think you are too. If we had the self confidence we'd not be thinking and re-thinking the "meaning" of what he'd just said to us. I think you should try and be a little more self assured and know that YOU are a 10 in your own right. But also that he is entitled to our own opinion. Did you know that asking him this question may have made him think about your flaws a bit more? Confidence is a attractive. If you had said I know I'm a 10, he'd have been intimidated and thought "Wow, maybe she is".
Rjs-baby-girl Rjs-baby-girl 6 years
My advice to you is for the future. When I was in high school I would probably would have reacted the same way you did. The thing I learned from relationships is to never ask a question to my bf when I am not ready to hear an honest answer. It's not always easy to follow, I forgot it a couple of times even with my husband now, but usually it works. My husband is the kind of person who is very straightforward and will give me an honest answer, not the one I wanna hear. So if I want to hear that I'm beautiful, I'm not gonna ask him to compare me to some hot actress, I'm just gonna ask if he likes the way I did my hair or something like that. Comparison is always tricky. So try to remember this, never ask a question if you are not fully prepared to hear the honest answer. You'll only get disappointed.
HollyJRockNRoll HollyJRockNRoll 6 years
You just got to learn to accept the truth and see that your boyfriend really does care about you. He apologized after all. I know its hard. To make yourself feel a little better, maybe you could go get a new outfit or have your hair done. You feel bad for superficial reasons, so maybe doing something superficial will make you feel better. Everyone is giving you tough love, but I'm going to be a "little" softer. You had a real dose of humble pie, but that might be a good thing. In life there will ALWAYS be someone better looking, smarter, and generally cooler than you. That's ok. Just do the BEST YOU CAN. Also, Joe had it right. You set yourself up for this and this is a good, yet painful lesson learned. Don't compare yourself to other women. Just focus on working what you got.
jazzytummy jazzytummy 6 years
I'm with Joe on this one. You set him up to fail, and when he delivered, you overreacted. FAIL on your part. BTW, "crying and "not getting over it" may not be considered a tantrum to you, but it is to me. Must just be semantics....You will probably figure this out once you graduate from high school. Oh, and one last thing....Stop whining.
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 6 years
If there's only one correct answer it isn't really a question. It's a trick question and a demand. So, without thinking, you set him and yourself up for this. What you engaged in with him was guy talk. Stop doing that. You really don't want to know if he likes another woman's rack or what he actually thinks about Victoria's Secret models. I think he meant well and knows he messed up. He didn't do any math before saying 8. He simply showed preference for you compared to this girl who you yourself said was very attractive and a 10 and a Betty. Giving her a 6 or 7. Then he gave you the next number above 7, which is 8. Zero in depth analysis went on. Most dudes don't think that fast on their feet (no offense intended to dudes!). He doesn't understand how the flattery game is played. So it is up to you to teach him. Ranking you above all women isn't a matter of Miss Universe physical standards. It takes into account everything about you. And if he is committed to you, that means you are a 10 to him. Let him know that is how he is supposed to respond to those kinds of situations. Not with blunt factual honesty, but emotional honesty. It is emotionally true that you are more attractive to him than Megan Fox or any other Betty. You're cool, you're loving, you're available, and you're his. That's enough to make you a 10 to anyone who loves you. By the way, he'll be better able to listen to you if you first apologize for trapping him with that trick question. And, if it helps, what assisted me in explaining the concept to my husband (my boyfriend at the time) was to tell him about this sweet old couple I saw on tv. The old guy said that his wife was just as pretty as the day they'd married. (She'd been sixteen at the time and of course looked nothing like her wedding photo anymore.) Yet he said it with so much affection that it was easy to understand how they'd been married for so long.
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