Unfortunately, when it comes to what they've got below the belt, men aren't always 100 percent straight up. AskMen rounded up a list of 10 of the most common lies that men tell about their penises. Check it out!
As surely as the sun will rise, man will lie about his dong. Whether it's falsehoods concerning size, status, or the battlefields our mini-me has encountered, we've all got our own list of untruths we maintain. Even we, the hosts of the weekly advice show "Dude, Seriously?", are not immune to this less than honorable — but sometimes necessary — habit.
No, you're not alone in your concerns for protecting the honor and integrity of your penis. In fact, most of us are sitting on the same secrets (literally). Thankfully, we're here to let you know which ones must be guarded at all costs, and which you must permit friends and females to know the truth about. Let go of those lies like dust into the wind!
(Like doves into the wind? A penis into the wind? The point is, you have to let go of some of th... Oh, you get the idea.)
10. "It's enormous."
In the same manner we answer parental questions about school exams, we men always claim that our penises are one grade above what they actually are. If a dude maintains that his member is "gargantuan," "larger than your arm," or "python-esque," it's probably just above average. If he says it's "Above average," that means it's "run-of-the mill," and "average" means "tiny" or "like that of a small field mouse." If a man shrugs off the subject of size altogether, it can either mean that his penis is too small to detect without a microscope, or that he lives up to the nickname "Bazooka Joe." Ultimately, you're probably best off just keeping your mouth shut altogether. But if your advertising does disappoint, the secondary lie "It's just so freaking cold in here!" always comes in handy.
9. "I've never measured it, because I don't really care."
The only lie bigger than "it's enormous" is the claim that you've never measured it at all. Maybe you were in college, high school, or nursery school — but at some point we've all taken a ruler, Fisher Price tape measure, or toothpick to that muscle and have never forgotten the results. We may try and play dumb no matter what the size, but we actually know the length (and girth) down to the millimeter. Still, claiming ignorance is better than stretching the truth, and will much more likely result in her, ahem, "stretching" your mysteriously-sized friend later that night.
8. "I'm just tired."
We are never, ever too tired for sex. Ever. We may have just rounded out an 18-hour workday with a half marathon, but you'd best believe we've still got enough energy to have sex. Taking an especially long time to rise to the occasion or finish could indicate a physical issue . . . but if you know the machinery is in working order, then you're simply facing a psychological roadblock. Come on, you're not just "thinking about the drought in Darfur" — you're distracted by your own inability to have sex, and you need a timeout to regroup. Don't keep trying. Instead, finish her off while philanthropically exclaiming, "Tonight is all about you!"
7. "That's just razor burn."
So you've picked up something nasty during your friend's Bachelor Party in Tijuana, but you don't want your new girlfriend to know it's some incurable form of a disease you can't spell. Your new condition might not always be visible, but somehow it manages to know exactly when you're going to get laid and makes its triumphant return that very afternoon. You better keep that room as dark as possible — because if she can't see the problem, it doesn't exist, right? Wrong. We may have all been guilty of this one before, but the right thing to do is to see a doctor and temporarily check yourself into a monastery. It's 2013, and there's a cream for that . . . so get it before the damn thing falls off!
6. "It's been seen by many, many women."
National surveys consistently "reveal" that most guys under the age of 20 have slept with the better part of Texas — but given the lack of condom shortages, this lie is pretty obvious. We've all fibbed on at least one occasion to our buddies about how many times we've gone all the way. Especially when we're younger, we want our friends to think we're more experienced than we really are. But ironically enough, such claims will eventually backfire if overheard by a potential mate who doesn't want to be used by a "player." At which point, the next lie in our list begins to brew . . .
5. "It's only been seen by one woman."
It may be acceptable to round up the number of women you've slept with to the nearest ten when talking to your friends, but we all round down when the conversation comes up with a ladyfriend looking for a serious mate. We get that you want your partner to think you're the greatest "natural talent" that ever walked the Earth, but women know that most guys will shove that thing into any open place they're allowed. As long as you didn't sleep with your sister and you've cleaned up that "Tijuana situation," your number should be irrelevant. Unless you're Gene Simmons — in which case, lie. And don't wear face-paint to bed.
4. "It's never been photographed."
Sexting is a widespread epidemic these days that even famous people get in trouble for, so don't act like you're the one person who's "above" it. Whether to generate material with which to barter for boob pics, to Snapchat a late-night booty call, or merely to prove that it exists, we've all taken a photo of our junk before. In fact, we'd bet anything that even if you testify to the photographic virginity of your soldier, one of your exes or former flings has snuck at least one shot of him standing at attention. The only question is where and with whom these penis-pics live. Just pray that the keeper of said photos is someone without a vendetta.
3. "It's naturally smooth."
Guys, it's okay to admit that you trim your dude-bush; there's no shame in keeping the field level and groomed at all times. In this modern day and age, caring about one's pubic presentation is no longer reserved for male strippers and porn stars. And if you do, no woman will believe you if you try to convince her that you're "naturally" velvety down there (unless you're 13. In which case, asking your parents before you go on the internet.). So be proud of your decision to manscape, but remember that there is a limit to shearing body hair — namely, the moment at which you resemble an overgrown fourth-grader. Sure, a leafy forest may be undesirable, but a foliage-free desert in your pants is just plain creepy. Styling is also not recommended: No woman will be turned on by a mohawked crotch.
2. "I've never played with it at work."
Whether due to stress, boredom, or a hot picture that an old flame emailed your way, there comes a time when that public restroom at work is needed for a "special event." Everyone from the mailroom newbie to the CEO has done it, and if you're lucky enough to have a private bathroom, you probably "love yourself" at least once a week. For this reason, if you spot a co-worker looking a bit too relaxed as they exit the bathroom, do not, under any circumstances, go for a handshake or high five. However, when it comes to interacting with the ladies, this lie is one probably best kept completely to yourself — women just won't get it. They might rub their legs together under the desk now and then, but we're betting the ladies' loo is a bit more dignified a place than that.
1. "It's never let a woman down."
Seriously? Really? You're gonna use a line that your grandfather inherited from his grandfather's grandfather? If you attempt to employ the most common and blatant man-lie told since the beginning of time, be prepared to wake up alone. No man on earth has a perfect track record, and every lady knows it. Hell, even George Clooney has disappointed a woman. In fact, the vast majority of us usually fail to "finish the job" because she's got so many buttons and switches that must be activated in the correct order that even a CIA codebreaker would balk at the assignment. So instead of sitting there trying to figure out how you're going to pass this lie off, take that time to grab some pointers from her about what she likes. And while you're at it, work those muscles in your mouth and fingers — a little exercise goes a long way, gentlemen.
— Ethan Fixell
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