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Lock Your Doors! Nebraska Town Plagued by Butt Bandit!

Sometimes crime is terrible, sometimes it comes with a big greasy imprint of a bottom. Yup. I mean, I'm sure it's terribly violating to the victims but I can barely type I'm giggling so hard. Here goes: the town of Valentine, NE, isn't feeling so romantic lately — their most prolific vandal has been leaving imprints of his nether regions on windows all over town. Using Vaseline to ensure the imprint shows up nice and clear, store owners and school janitors have been mopping up the mess for more than a year.

The police chief says, "This is the weirdest case I've ever seen." But not ha-ha weird. He says, "It's not funny. We're worried about the next step." Reportedly, no one has seen the vandal in the act, though they're quite acquainted with his calling card. One victim said of being the butt of the crime, "We were completely grossed out. One day I walked into the office and an employee said, 'Oh, my God, we've been struck!'"

I can't fathom why they haven't caught the guy. I mean, it might not be of the finger-variety, but they have his prints, right?


Join The Conversation
True-Song True-Song 8 years
They found him!
sw33tlovin sw33tlovin 8 years
i just read the associated press article. it's even funnier!
sw33tlovin sw33tlovin 8 years
lmao. for a year? wow. what can vaseline not do? i feel sorry for these people, but i won't lie and say i don't find this hilarious. clearly, he's got sick friends on the inside if he hasn't been caught yet.
harmonyfrance harmonyfrance 8 years
This is hysterical! AND that baby is so cute!
fuzzles fuzzles 8 years
That story made my biday.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 8 years
"Posteriority." Excellent work.
foxie foxie 8 years
F is for Foxie, flayed at a stake.
CaterpillarGirl CaterpillarGirl 8 years
Oh Mykie, I would be acting it out! But first i would take a picture for posterity. Posteriority.
Mykie7 Mykie7 8 years
LMAO Cat. Yeah, it would be at first. But tell me, PLEASE tell me that once you got it cleaned up and were re-telling the story to someone that you wouldn't then be cracking up. I know I would Yes, I'd be PI**ED at first, BIG time. But once it was cleaned up and I thought about it, I'd :ROTFL:
CaterpillarGirl CaterpillarGirl 8 years
I wouldnt see it as harmless if i got in my car, looked up and saw a perfect imprint of someones butt cheeks with all the dangly bits in between, and then i had to clean it up. traumatizing.
verily verily 8 years
It's probably a group of kids doing it. Plus some copycats. I think it's harmless, creative vandalism. It's just unfortunate for the business owners who have to clean it up. Hopefully if the kid(s) gets caught, he'll just do some community service instead of hard time in juvie.
bluesarahlou bluesarahlou 8 years
When I was in high school my friend tried to moon some people in another car...but she forgot to roll the window down. That butt print stayed on my other friend's passenger window for DAYS.
jessie jessie 8 years
:rotfl: the man gotta be laughing his ass off about leaving his butt print know its just the common man next door...the one is just as shocked as everyone else....while secretly thinking....hey...thats my ass..and it looks fine..:rotfl:
austerity austerity 8 years
This is too hilarious for words. They should give him an award instead of arresting him.
Mykie7 Mykie7 8 years
OMG. I hope my 17 year old doesn't hear about this. They're looking for a senior prank, and I can just see it now. "School shut down due to a**es in every classroom window"
Jude-C Jude-C 8 years
I like YY's strategy.
hypnoticmix hypnoticmix 8 years
LMAO, yes as I illuminate my get away after committing the crime.
CaterpillarGirl CaterpillarGirl 8 years
hypno, Its not your MO, you would probably use Glow in the dark paint, not vaseline, which would be even funnier to see at night.
hypnoticmix hypnoticmix 8 years
Don't look at me.
Mykie7 Mykie7 8 years
:ROTFL: :ROTFL: :ROTFL: I'm sorry, this is too hilarious. I'm sure it's annoying to the people that are, um, "butt bombed", but honestly, after they catch this guy you just KNOW the entire town is going to be cracking up about it! It'll be a story for the grandkids!
Roarman Roarman 8 years
Boy that naked baby is cute. Is he the culprit?
rabidmoon rabidmoon 8 years
:ROTFL: "One victim said of being the butt of the crime.." You just HAD to do it, didn't you, Citizen? You couldn't help yourself. :D But one thing has me really at a loss - I mean, you're some dude, you take the time to (presumably in this order) walk up to the window, drop trou, apply vaseline, lean into glass, make imprint..doesn't that take at least a FEW minutes? Surely someone has seen action? Maybe they should just do a thorough check on who has been buying extreme amounts of Vaseline lately. :ponder:
ilanac13 ilanac13 8 years
you have to wonder what's going on in the mind of someone who does that - it's just beyond me that someone would go to the effort of greasing up their butt to make an imprint on windows. it's just baffling. ...kind of funny at first -but really annoying. what can they really do to the guy though if they figure out who it is. is it something that's punishable by jail time or something like that? it's kind of like vandalism...
KrisSugar KrisSugar 8 years
I know a guy who did this with shaving cream and his butt went through a plate glass door. So I'm guessing the butt bandit is going to get what he/she deserves when they lean on some glass that isn't stable!
CaterpillarGirl CaterpillarGirl 8 years
can you electrify your windshield? slather it with poison ivy? What do you say when it happens to you? "this is the Valentine Police deptartment" "um yes, i , um think that the butt guy was on my car" "The butt guy? the butt bandit? How can you tell?" "on my windshield there is a slimy butt print, but i think he left some hairs this time!" The Hardy boys and the case of the Valentine Vaseline Hiney presser
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