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Married but Have Crush on Co-Worker

Group Therapy: I Have a Crush on My Co-Worker, but I'm Married and He's Taken

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I've been married for several years and have been asking myself if I did the right thing for most of that time. But that's not what I want help from Group Therapy on right now — I've got other therapy for that. Basically, I'm not attracted to my husband, and lately I've found myself attracted to other men — nothing too serious, until now. I've got a crush on my coworker, who I started working with a few months ago.

We work together once or twice a week and ever since we first met, he's always been so sweet and caring and helpful and generous and everything my husband is not. A few weeks into working with him I found out that he has a girlfriend, which is how I found out that he is straight. In my profession, we tend to assume our male coworkers are gay unless otherwise notified.


Once he told me about his GF the first time, I immediately started crushing on him, just because he's so amazing. But he doesn't say much about her, in fact, none of my coworkers even know her name, and it creates a huge sense of mystery surrounding him. He can be pretty private. He won't tell her name to anyone who's asked about her, but he and I are pretty chummy, and I feel like if I asked, I'd be the one person he would tell. But I respect his privacy and I don't even ask him. Instead, we talk about everything else under the sun — we have a lot in common and we're becoming good friends. I get the feeling he doesn't talk about her much because he has a crush on me too. So I don't talk about my husband much, either. My coworker has trouble remembering my husband's name, and when we first started working together he had trouble remembering whether I had a boyfriend, fiancé, or husband. What kind of guy gets that stuff mixed up?

So I like him, I think he likes me back, but we're both in relationships right now. We have chemistry when we're together, but I think he's too much of a gentleman (again, he's amazing) to make a move on me or anything like that, or even say something to "clear the air." What do I do? Help!

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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Join The Conversation
crizzy crizzy 5 years
your old enough , just do it don't be afraid remember time is running , if he is sexually attracted to you , he will be persistent and you have all the advantages.Have a good time with him.But do not forget your duty as wife to your husband. because when the time comes that your lover figure out that he is destroying a relationship which is sacred and drop you ,your husband is there to console you . The only reason why Eve was created is to be a companion of Adam.And Adam was sleeping while Eve is talking with the snake.Yes . the apple is good ,not poisonous but because Eve was deceived , the paradise was lost.Do you want to give up everything ? think about it.....don't give up your paradise...don't give up your husband why should a man marry a woman ...if not because of LOVE.You sound as if you don't love him.Why not file a divorce . If you cannot do it ....AMIGA your insane.
tadem2011 tadem2011 5 years
My goodness, he is secretive - whew you are in trouble! Ok, let's say you will be together, do you think both of you will be happy ever after? Diamond asks if you are not happy with your husband, do you think you will be happy with this person in case you'll be given the chance?
HollyJRockNRoll HollyJRockNRoll 5 years
Leave your co-worker alone! He has a girlfriend. He doesn't talk about her because he keeps his private life separated from his work life-as everyone should! The fact you're crushing on him is just a sign you are unhappy in your relationship. You need to spend more time focusing whether you want and can fix your marriage.
lickety-split lickety-split 5 years
why are you staying in an unhappy marriage? hope you ave plans to improve your situation. your interest in another man could be from being bored/unhappy in you relationship.
sagagirl sagagirl 5 years
I don't believe your co-worker is interested in you romantically, that is why he can't even remember if you have a fiance, husband, or boyfriend. Men usually don't go into too much details about their girlfriends at work. It is something they seem to like to keep separate. You and your husband need to sit down and discuss what is going on in your marriage. That should be your priority. You are creating this fantasy about this co-worker, that I am sure he will not live up to. Don't ruin your marriage obsessing over him, besides he may not be that into you to begin with.
ChrissyLee ChrissyLee 5 years
I totally agree with BettyWayne, if he liked you he would have memorized your relationship status and he doesn't talk about his girlfriend because he respects the work/life balance, which is probably why he has a strong relationship. What you have to do is move on, forget him, and figure out if you really want out of your marriage. It can't be for him, because he probably isn't into you as anymore than a friend, you have to do this for yourself. Whatever you do, do not tell this guy how you feel; it will lead to disaster at work and between you two. Maintain a friendship if you can but do not cross any boundaries and do not talk to him about the state of your marriage. You cannot turn him into your confidant because it will make you want him more. Get some other friends to vent to, figure out what you want, and do it. You will probably realize once you are single again that this crush wasn't real, you just were missing things in your marriage that this guy is. He's not the only good guy out there.
kismekate kismekate 5 years
You get a divorce. Not for this guy, but there will be a lot more other men like this one in your life and you can't continue this while you're still married. You obviously don't love him anymore, and it's not fair to either of you to keep pretending.
hummusbanana hummusbanana 5 years
What is it that you are missing in your relationship with your husband that you are finding in your co-worker? Do you and your husband still connect emotionally and sexually? You say you aren't sure you did the right thing marrying him. Are you thinking of leaving? Are you ready to take that step? Is that what you really, truly want? I think you need to figure out why it is you stay in your marriage, what you can do to improve things with your husband, or if you even really want to do everything it takes to fix your marriage. Before you go leaping on other men, you should at least talk to your husband about your unhappiness, do the work it takes to fix it, or, if your financial situation allows, leave on good terms. These crushes are usually nothing more than symptoms of a problem at home or a perceived lacking in our partners. Figuring all that out for your own sense of peace will help to put all this in perspective. In the meantime, don't lose a friendship or risk developing a bad reputation at work. Let the crush be your own little secret until it inevitably fizzles out.
postmodernsleaze postmodernsleaze 5 years
This sounds disasterous. You should not embark on any type of romantic relationship with your coworker. Work on the other therapy you mentioned you have to figure out your marriage. If you are not in love with your husband and your marriage is not fixable, a divorce is a much better option than an affair.
Bettye-Wayne Bettye-Wayne 5 years
You are reading too far into him. He doesn't talk about his girl all day because he doesn't want to bore you, and he doesn't remember your husband's name or your marital status because he doesn't care. Be thankful you have a coworker you get along with, and as others suggested, stop being such a crappy wife.
jenjen82 jenjen82 5 years
Get over it. If I was that guys girlfriend I would kick your butt for creeping on my man like that. And your being a crappy wife as well. This is something you should be talking to your professional therapist about along with your marriage.
Raynne413 Raynne413 5 years
You're married, so you don't do anything. And most men forget details like those in your story unless for some reason they care enough to remember them.
searching-soul searching-soul 5 years
I'm with Joe. I had an experience where I became too emotionally close to a co-worker and had a serious boyfriend and we were having problems .It's a disaster waiting to happen-he's not kidding about that. The other guy may not stick around and be there for you either when things go down. My attachment to the guy was emotional, I can only imagine the repercussions of a physical affair. If you want to devastate your life and find your living situation in shambles, carry on. Men tend to be very unforgiving of these things, much more so than women.Start distancing yourself or I truly believe your going to be in a world of pain a few months down the line and it won't be worth it when you look back on the situation. Work out what you want to do with your husband first and sort that out. End it properly with him first if that's what you want to do and make sure you have the finances to move on before you do it. You don't want to find yourself out on the street and then the other guy does a disappearing act on you and you have no place to go. You are playing with fire and usually it's the women who get burned the most.Good luck
dikke-kus dikke-kus 5 years
Why do you need to do anything? If he wanted something to happen between the two of you, he would tell you that he's madly in love with you and willing to break up with his girlfriend for you, and will you get a divorce. And he has the engagement ring for you right under his desk.
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 5 years
OP, This is going to turn into a disaster (I'm speaking from experience.) You need to do something about this, and you need to do it now. You need to start distancing yourself from your co-worker. When you see him first thing in the morning, be friendly and say hello, then ignore him for the rest of the day. He is going to sense that you are being cold towards him, and then there will be an icy feeling in the air, but at this point there is nothing you can do about this. Try this and let us know how it is going.
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 5 years
Work on decreasing the attraction, not encouraging it. I get that a new attraction makes you feel alive again. But that just points out that there are many areas of your life where you feel stuck and depressed. Drama could distract, but it won't fix anything. And a year from now, you will feel 20 times worse than you do now. Infatuation feels good, but when it's an affair it's just as potent and stupid to indulge in as heroin. There are repercussions that make your life sooooo much worse.
dahliadreamer dahliadreamer 5 years
I agree. I'm in a similar situation with my boyfriend who works with a new girl who's got the BIGGEST crush on him. She moved to our town with her boyfriend and has since broken up with him because she likes my man. I know enough about my boyfriend to know he'd never go after her because of the crazy things she's already done, (other than break up with her boyfriend she moved across the country with: told him multiple times to break it off with me so she can move in, told their coworkers that she and him have a thing when they ALL know he's got me...) Don't do what she's doing. It's fine if you're friends, but if you try to push anything farther, you're only going to look bad. Like, REALLY REALLY bad. You sound smart enough not to do what Christina does, but you have to be true to yourself and remember that you have a man. You married him for a reason, even if it doesn't seem to exist right now. Try remembering what those were, and exploit them. Find ways to fall in love with your husband again, because going into something like this is really unfair to the parties who get hurt.
Gdeeaz Gdeeaz 5 years
You do nothing. You are married and he has a girlfriend. Unless you leave your husband and he breaks up with his girlfriend you need to stay away from any romantic relationship with him.
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