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Men vs. Women

Dear Sugar
I'm 27 years old and I'm totally confused about some sexual feelings I've been having lately. Let me preface this by saying when I was about eight years old, I experimented with other girls; kissing, groping, you get the point. I thought we were just playing at the time, but now I think that it is related to what I am about to say...I love lesbian porn.

I really can't help myself and I think it's the most interesting thing I've ever seen. When I make love to a man, I think of the women doing those acts with me and it totally stimulates me. I have even gone so far as to kick the guy I am with out of the room to handle business with the image myself.

When the love making is over, the thoughts seem wrong and nasty to me and I quickly block it out of my head. What's happening to me? I'm not gay, I don’t want a relationship with a woman, but I feel these desires in me just won't stop until I hook up with a woman. Please help me figure this thing out. Wondering Wylie

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Wondering Whylie
Being unclear about your sexuality can be very overwhelming, but you are not alone. Many men and women experiment to figure out what sexual orientation is right for them, and we are so very fortunate to live in a time where this is acceptable.

Different people have different turn-ons, and just because lesbian porn gets you aroused, doesnt mean that you must classify yourself as a lesbian. It could mean you are bi-sexual or are interested in sexual experimentation. What is it that makes you feel nasty after viewing lesbian pornography? Is homosexuality shunned in your family or community?

Since you are thinking about women while you are being intimate with men, and since your mind won't rest until you have hooked up with a girl, by all means go for it. Try not to get too caught up in personal labels and do whatever makes you feel good. Good luck.

Join The Conversation
sweetnsyrup sweetnsyrup 10 years
I hear what you're saying as I've been there myself and have "moved on" -kind'a! I'm going to say two things seemingly opposite but these are the 2 views I deal with myself. On one had I think that you having sexual exp. so early in life (at 8!) has shaped your sexuality to some degree. Whether you participated willingly or not, it was basically abuse. However, that has come to be associated w/ sexual feelings so now you think you are really oriented at least a bit towards sex w/ other girls. (The same thing happens with those who grew up in various forms of abuse--they end up being gravitated towards it later--not realising that having your genitals stimulated is going to 'excite' you regardless-they are made to do that. It doesn't matter who the person is even if it's in incestuos. And so you get boys for ege who were molested when young end up gravitatng towards older men when adults. It has 'twisted' thier identities.) So now with the extra 'fire' of lesbian porn for you it fulfills your initial sexual model. Now with that said..and out of the way, I should tell you that I don't think I would be so pulled towards other forms of sex if it hadn't been for my very young experimenting. In one way I am definitely straight and very much a girly-girl but yes, I too am excited by the thought of two women 'exploring' eachother. It was this whole idea of the 'forbidden' nature of it that turned me on and the idea of softer, longer sex. I have never had romantic feelings for another woman (ew) but I have had sexual impulses. After a long time trying to reconcile who I am now I decided that if the time came I would 'dip' into the other side, but it had to be with the right gal--someone I found very attractive physically and yet maybe not obviously bi or not at all. (I preferred the idea of it being with somone who was also having thier first time adult bi sex.) Eventually that happened but I was torn even more!! Yes, I loved it! It was crazy! BUT, after she left and the excitment went away (except in memory) I started feeling really 'dirty'--it actaully made me feel a little sick when I thought of some of the things we did. I felt that I had betrayed who I really am for a cheap imitation. Yeah, I had never had sex like that before, partly because she knew what to do and was gentle with me. BUT, I never felt right about it --it seemed like a 'lie' if that makes any sense. OK, where am I going with this? Just to tell you that I have decided I am defnitely straight, but like people with fetishes, I like something 'deviant'/different at times. I don't let it define me. Also, I don't want that one-on-one intimacy with just me and another gal as I love my fiance. Eventually I told him too and I don't think he got it fully but he does do the things I like better and longer and I really do love sex with him! I've even talked about being open to sharing the bed with another girl someday --for 'his' (and my!) pleasure--BUT we've agreed that the jealousy thing would be too much if he was involved. So, if it happens he can watch--and she'd have to be Ok with that but no touching on his part! I guess what I'm saying is that I'm OK with the 'bi' stuff if I think of it in terms of my hetero relationship--just like wearing lingerie--it would be a way to entice my man and spice up our sex but right now I can't imagine us ever needing it. So, anyway, I think you may well not really be gay or even bi but due to your past and the fact we live in a society where the woman's form is idolized as beauty, representing excitment we are the products of that. (In Rome, it was the male physique.) We naturally like what smells good and feels soft--we buy cashmere and wear perfume so of course we gals can picture it as sensual the idea of 2 women together--and yet still remain 'straight.' I'm just glad we live in a time when it's Ok for girls to discuss and like such things--as we read here! LOL.
Brittany14706805 Brittany14706805 10 years
and i agree after i think of that stuff i always try to block it out and thinks its wrong but sometimes just seeing something can be a turn on for you it doesnt actually mean you want taht in real life. Cuz i know i have no sexual desires to be with a woman.
Brittany14706805 Brittany14706805 10 years
i have to agree i am not gay but lesbian porn is also a turn on watching, but the thought of actually being with another woman just doesnt do anything for me. I love my bf and im turned on by him and have great sex with him but sometimes i also think of other girls doing stuff together while were in bed and it turns me on. But thinknig about my bf with another girl and me at the same time makes me jealous. So im not really sure.
getstinko getstinko 10 years
Be true to yourself and try to follow your interest in other women. I think you are fooling yourself if you think your heart and passion is made for men. It's the kicking the guy out of the room to masturbate to other women and fantasizing to the thought of other women to make it through sex with guys. I totally agree with Valeri - there isn't a woman on this sight who wouldn't think her boyfriend was gay if he was kicking her out of the room to masturbate to gay porn or if he said the only way he could get really excited about sex was to fantasize about other men during. Double standards, ugh.
sarahlynn sarahlynn 10 years
okay, heres my deal. i like chicks to fool around with but guys for realationships. and ive even had a girlfriend who didn't give up guys either. we had an agreement that we woulnd't see other chicks but we both got it on with men. (yes made for some interesting settings at times ;) ) anyways, i dont nessessarly have to be a full on lesbian because im attracted to girls. im just attracted to them in a different way than men. don't feel the need to lable yourself. lables can be limiting.
fashion_doll24 fashion_doll24 10 years
That's how I understood it too, dreamsugar!
dreamsugar dreamsugar 10 years
Quote: "When I make love to a man, I think of the women doing those acts with me and it totally stimulates me. I have even gone so far as to kick the guy I am with out of the room to handle business with the image myself." Guys -- I think she's talking about the images in her head - not looking at magazines -- I think the "images" she's referring to is the images she creates in her imagination.
Marci Marci 10 years
I think you're kicking the guy out of the room when looking at the magazines because he's 'in the way' so to speak. And I think you may feel bad afterwards because there's a part of you that isn't sure yet if you want to make that leap to the other side. I think that if you meet a woman that you're really attracted to, go for it. But I wouldn't just do it with any random woman just to try it out. Sex has a lot to do with the person you're doing it with. Most of the time, anyway. ;)
lickety-split lickety-split 10 years
kicking the lover in your bed out to deal with a porn image is what i consider a problem. life is about making human connections and forming relationships. you are choosing porn over people. the statement "i really can't help myself" says you have an impulse control problem of a sexual nature. i suggest you see a therapist before it further interferes with your everyday life. the fact that you feel bad about yourself afterwards means that you have crossed a personal boundary that you aren't comfortable with. if anyone here was dating a man that kicked them out of the room to get off with a gay magazine i'm quite sure we would be reading very different responses.
appreciated appreciated 10 years
I think that's totally normal. Void your second paragraph and I'm the same way. I've asked about things like that before in different communities and I usually get a response about how women seem more sexy and...hmm I can't think of a good term. Appealing? No...ummm do you know what I mean? Guys tend to be odd and weird in porn (at least I notice) where as the women are more smooth and sultry. (well I guess depending on what kind of porn you're watching lol) Anyways. If you want to go experiment and think it'll help you figure things out, then go for it. I just like to fantasize about it but can't imagine dating another woman. Definetly figure out what's good for you. Leaving it as a fantasy, questioning it, considering or experimenting. :)
Nekosan Nekosan 10 years
Doesn't sound weird to me, lesbian porn can stimulate you, without you being attracted to women, right?
bluejeanie bluejeanie 10 years
go hook up with a hot chick for NSA action. get it out of your system and see if that's what you like. sexuality is a weird thing.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 10 years
I think you need to go mess around with a girl. If you have a boyfriend, tell him your needs and I bet he won't say no. If you are flying solo, all the better. If you keep denying this for yourself you will end up letting it control you. However if you indulge, maybe you'll realize that it was just the forbidden aspects of the experience that were a turn-on, not the experience itself... I would try to be up front with any woman that you find so you don't end up hurting any feelings. Have fun!
Escape Escape 10 years
I don't think your feelings are abnormal at all. From experience I can say fantasies are better left fantasies. ~~~ Niki ~~~
fashion_doll24 fashion_doll24 10 years
maybe you just have to try how being with a woman feels for you? Just make sure to the person you experiment with that you're not sure about your feelings so she knows that this may not lead any further (don't make her feel like a guinee pig either, you get the picture!). I hope you're able to sort this out, but you should really try to do what makes you happy without feeling bad about it. Good luck!
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