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The Monogamy Mystery

We're happy to present this story from one of our favorite sites, The Good Men Project. When today's author, Katarina Ilic, tried to question her own personal views on monogamy, she found herself shaken to the core.

I’ve learned, over the past couple years, that it’s slightly dangerous to hold on to any particular idea or concept too tightly. We are expansive and limitless beings who fare best when we allow Spirit within the freedom of expression at any given moment, or period in our lives.

Allow me to explain.

A few years ago, I was really banking the success of my life on getting married one day. I don’t think I would’ve, or even could’ve, admitted to this at the time, but looking back, that’s exactly how it was. I was so looking forward to the day I would get married as sort of the beginning of the rest of my life. Now that didn’t mean that I wasn’t enjoying life back then, I was, but there was this underlying current of "I just can’t wait to get married one day . . . that’s when life will really begin."

Men, Money, and Kids

I also have to admit that I was quite religious back then so there were certain beliefs and dogmas I held to. One of them being that a lifelong partnership, i.e. a monogamous relationship, is the healthy and normal way to go, really the only way to go . . .


Until a friend managed to make a crack in this weak foundation of mine when she said that she believes human beings aren’t meant for monogamy . . . {GASP}. Of course I had heard this idea before, this complete antithesis to everything I stood for, an idea that threatened my security to the core. But I think it was an idea I heard about in movies, TV shows, from Hollywood celebrities, but never from anyone that I knew personally . . . never from anyone "normal."

Keep reading for the rest.

This friend was a year older than me in school and we hadn’t seen each other in a while but found ourselves at the same birthday party for a mutual friend, a couple of years ago. As is the norm when catching up with someone, I asked her if she was seeing anyone seriously, in a relationship, you know, the typical questions one asks to see where someone else is at. And that’s when she laid it on me, that she just didn’t believe we’re meant for monogamous relationships.

I don’t know why this shook me so much. Again, maybe it’s just because I had never heard anyone I knew personally believe in this idea. Or maybe because I looked up to her…she’s beautiful, smart, kind, feminine and has an amazing energy about her. I don’t think she noticed that what she said affected me so much and I don’t think I demonstrated a visible reaction. It was more what happened on the inside of me afterwards. This was the first time I actually gave this idea any thought or merit. It made me start questioning what I believed for so long, and what I held on to so tightly.

Which brings me to another thing that I have learned: it’s SO SO SO good and important to question what you believe and why you believe it. It will either help further solidify what you already believe or it will reveal to you a greater truth that you wouldn’t have otherwise discovered.

So where has this questioning led me and what do I now believe about monogamy?

Let me bring you back to my friend for a minute.

Over the past year or so, I kept seeing photos of said friend (on facebook, of course), with a certain gentleman. I finally decided to send her a message about it. Here is an excerpt from what I wrote to her:

"I am asking myself questions like this and many others, testing what I really believe and really want. And I’ve seen through FB feeds that it looks like you are now in a happy relationship. So my question is, do you still believe what you said to me that night or do you think that when you meet the “right” person, it is possible to be with just one. I’d love to hear your thoughts and insight on this."

And here is an excerpt from her response:

"You know, I completely forgot our conversation from that time, but I guess that comment stemmed from me having 3-6 year long relationships and them not working out. I have always been the person that stayed in monogamous relationships but I was disillusioned from them not lasting. The reason I stayed in them so long is a whole other story . . . prob fear of things failing and loss of love, etc. However, I am happy in love and want to spend the rest of my life with *****. I pray it lasts forever."

Her response, and the emotion behind it, warmed my heart so much and helped me to see that behind all the questioning and doubt, I do still believe in monogamy and have the desire for a lifelong partnership of my own. That no matter the doubts I have about it {because I am someone who can’t imagine doing the same thing every day, let alone the same person, ahem, that didn’t come out right}, no matter the high divorce rates, no matter the contradictory beliefs out there . . .
Deep down inside, I get excited when I hear real love stories and I feel a great sense of joy and inspiration when I see couples happy together.

I’m not saying that it’s wrong if you don’t want a monogamous relationship. What I am saying is don’t allow your past experiences, or someone else’s, dictate what you believe.

Rather, dig down into your soul and discover what makes you light up, what makes your spirit sing. Focus on that vision and allow the details, the how, to unfold naturally.

Image Source: Thinkstock
Join The Conversation
GirlinTheRaw GirlinTheRaw 5 years
I was expecting a shaking story from the title :) The mind sometimes enjoys chewing on a 'scandalous' read like that (don't we all)! But I'm happy with the point made, questioning your beliefs should lead to healthy conclusions, not doubt and dissatisfaction due to external influence. So many articles these days talk about 'breaking the rules', changing the meaning of relationships, etc. It's not even news anymore...
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