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My Bags Are Packed But Am I Ready To Go?

Dear Sugar
I've been dating the same person for the better part of five years. We met in college, and I ended up relocating with him to his hometown after he graduated. He moved into his parents house and I got my own apartment. Three years later, I felt our relationship was stagnant and it was time for a change so I moved back to my home town.

Long distance didn't work for us and we broke up about a year ago and cut off all communication. Last summer we ended up seeing each other for the first time since our breakup at a mutual friend's wedding. Our love for each other was still there and we started seeing each other again but just a few times a month.

Unfortunately, that kind of relationship is also very expensive and it is really taking a toll on our pocketbooks. So we've decided that sometime early next year I will move back to his home town so that we can give it another go. My hesitation is still there a little bit though and I am feeling like I need some sort of a commitment from him before I move.

All in all we have been together for five years and this will be the second time I have picked up my life for this man. I don't want to pressure my boyfriend into an engagement, but I don't want to move only to be his "girlfriend" once again. Do you think that I am being irrational? Should I just drop it and hope this time will work? Moving for Him Maria

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Moving For Him
Asking for a commitment from your boyfriend before moving for him is not irrational at all. Every couple is different and if you need a ring on your finger to feel more secure, then by all means let him know how you are feeling. I am sure your concerns will not come as a shock to him.

Have you discussed what this move will mean for your future together? Has the topic of marriage ever been brought up before? Every woman has their own personal threshold and it sounds like you have reached your limit. Have a talk with him before you pack your bags and make sure you are on the same page as these are valid points that need to be addressed.

Even if he isn't ready to propose, he needs to be aware that you are moving with the intention of working towards a more serious future together. If you are ready to take the next step and he isn't ready to make a commitment, you might need to re evaluate this relationship but hopefully taking a chance will be worth the risk in the long run.

Join The Conversation
peppermintpoot peppermintpoot 10 years
Thank you,Ladies, for all of your comments. These are impressive and helpful answers to my question, and I am going to give all of these comments some serious thought..
honeysugar28 honeysugar28 10 years
Commitment is important but not more important than changing what went wrong the first time around. Why didn't it work the first time and why do you think that it will work when you move up there again?
getstinko getstinko 10 years
do not move without some committment from him. this is a huge pet peeve of mine about women - why in God's name would you move or pull up roots to be with someone who could be just wasting your time and your life. The idealistic belief that true love will result in a proposal and marriage is an illusion, if you don't have confirmation - you need to seek it out before moving to be with him. If you think this is Mr. Right, he needs to act like Mr. Right and do the right thing and communicate his intentions. Any man who won't state that he sees himself with you forever or with kids, is either not 100% into you, not grown up enough to be considered for committment or a straight out loser/player.
rustedwings rustedwings 10 years
As beautiful as they can be, engagement and marriage can't solidify something that isn't solid on its own. There is nothing wrong with wanting them to, but getting engaged before you move back to give it a shot sounds like it might just raise the stakes for you guys in all the wrong ways. Instead of getting engaged when you move back, what about getting the commitment of going to couple's counseling? It won't cost as much as a plane ticket and it will help you guys talk about what went wrong, and learn how to keep things right. If you've left once already and stayed away that tells you something, but if you want to make it stick now you have to fully invest yourself- and un-learning whatever made things stale has to be an active process, not a passive one. As well, if you're the one who left because things were stale you should ask yourself why that was, and what's changed in you that you're sure that won't happen again. If you're not sure then maybe it's best that you let him move on without you, for his sake, and if you are sure this is where you want to be then don't ask for him to prove your worth to him in diamonds. Prove what he's worth to you in trust and action.
lickety-split lickety-split 10 years
i was surprised to read that you would be interested in a commitment at this point. aren't you are moving back there to see how it's going to work this time? it's really different to have a relationship where you are face to face a few days a month than where you see the person every morning and every evening and all weekend. if you have a job you are going to regret leaving maybe it's him that should do the moving, or maybe you should suck it up financially and see each other more for awhile. i do think you should talk about it with him before the move in a very upfront way and in person if possible. something like "hey i'm moving back here for us, not me or you but us. i wouldn't be moving back here if i didn't think this was something i could see turning into a permanent relationship. and i think that after 6 months of us being together in the same place we need to make a decision. if we both see it as a permanent thing we to make it permanent. and if we don't then i think we need to move on and each of us find our own way." if he's not on the same page as you are you'll know immediately and this is a big move. you are perfectly entitled after 5 years to know where you stand. i'm guessing he feels the same way (it would be easy to keep you on the side, right?) but it's always nice to hear. i'm bringing naughty back :naughty_elves:
sabrinaland sabrinaland 10 years
I was in the same boat myself, I was always the one doing the traveling/moving, so you are bound to feel some resentment and worry like I did, especially if he is not displaying that he is 100% committed to you. Also ask yourself this: "Am I 100% committed to HIM?" Be really honest with yourself and that way you can be honest with him. Have a good talk with him before you decide on packing your bags. If you don't, you might show up at his door with your bags and asking yourself, "What the hell am I doing here?" You owe it to yourself and to the health of your relationship to talk to each other. If he's a good guy, he'll listen and try to work things out, and give you a definite answer about how he feels about you and your future together (or separately). Good luck, I hope things work out for you.
t0xxic t0xxic 10 years
I thnk if he isnt going to propose he needs to come to you. WHats with him living with his parents when u picked up and moved to him? He needs to be with you if your going to make such large sacrifices. I do agree with Dear have a serious talk with him you dont want the same thing happening 2xs is this gonna be like last time? where hes livin with his parents doing his own thing or is he going to be with you. GL
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