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My Best Friend Is Dating My Ex

"My Best Friend Is Dating My Ex"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I was recently told by my best friend that she has been dating my ex boyfriend who I was with for three years. We were even engaged for a couple of weeks before he told me he cheated, and then I broke it off. Now, my best friend who I have known for almost 15 years now tells me that she has been dating him for three months. We broke up four months ago.
It is extremely awkward, because well . . .
- I have this nagging feeling that she is the one he cheated on me with.
- She cannot really talk to me about him.
- I know love is blind and all, and I try to be cool about it so that they can be happy, but she could have any guy in the world! Why him?
- She knows stuff about me that I am now afraid she might tell him, he is her boyfriend right?
- And what happens when she starts giving my ex boyfriend preference over me?

I know I sound selfish, but can I trust them? I love her too much to fight with her over this. Is there a way to handle this calmly?

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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Join The Conversation
Gabriela-Une-Vie-Saine Gabriela-Une-Vie-Saine 5 years
Um, no. If it were a guy you dated for three months, okay, fair game, but three YEARS?! Engaged? I'd say she's not much of a friend at all, and even if there really are genuine feelings between them, she never should have 1) cheated and 2) gotten together with him to quickly. Get them both out of your life.
pattyg7787 pattyg7787 5 years
First of all, this woman is NOT YOUR FRIEND. To date your ex, let alone after one or two months that you separated, is not what a TRUE friend does. You have every reason to feel like you do, and I wouldn't even called it being selfish. I think you shouldn't even be around your this "friend." You would be better off in the end.
ChrissyLee ChrissyLee 5 years
Leave them both behind. Cut the cord, delete the numbers, get them out of your life. She totally betrayed you and he's an ass for doing this to you after cheating on you(whether or not it was with her). You don't need people like that in your life and while it will hurt for a while eventually you will be happy not to have the drama they bring. They will bring you down and the only way to truly move on from him is to move on without them. I'm so sorry, this is ridiculous and she will regret this.
onlysourcherry onlysourcherry 5 years
It's the Chinese new year. I recommend you kick it off with new friends and a new guy. Cut your losses; it sounds like they deserve each other.
ladylove004 ladylove004 5 years
I agree with many of the previous comments. I went through a very similar situation and it sucks, but honestly, could you ever trust her again? I know I couldn't, I was always thinking to myself, did she like him when we were together and when we fought was she happy about that??! Point blank, she is not a true friend and its time to move on from both of them, because you seriously deserve better. However, if you trully want to work things out, you have to tell her exactly how you feel bc hiding your feelings will only make things worse in the end, because she will continue thinking you are okay with this when you are obviously and justifiably not okay... GL!
vanilla-and-pink vanilla-and-pink 5 years
This story is heartbreaking. I agree with everyone else. It's gonna be really hard to maintain a friendship right now. I have a feeling that at this point, you just lost the love of your life out of no where and through no fault of your own. At the same time, your best friend, the one person who should be consoling you through all of it broke your heart too. Right now it might just be too hard to fathom loosing them both. You may not be ready to loose her at this point in time, but once you have some time to really mentally absorb all this mess, you may feel differently. When you're ready, I would start going out and doing all of the fun things that make being single awesome. It might be hard to see it now, but there are definitely plusses to having some freedom. However, I wouldn't include your friend for a while. I think you need some space to process what happened. You may feel differently about her if you have a group of girlfriends you can lean on who you trust. If you ever do trust her again, it's probably going to take a lot of effort on her part for that to happen.
testadura67 testadura67 5 years
If your best friend of 15 years can't be bothered to put her hormones on hold out of deference to a THREE YEAR relationship you were in, then you don't need to be bothered being a part of her life anymore. There are some lines friends don't cross without forfeiting a friendship, and that's one of them. You are certainly not selfish, but if you put up with that kind of crap from the people who are supposed to be your most trusted confidants, then it doesn't say a lot for your self esteem, self respect, or sense of self worth. You don't deserve to be treated like that. And sticking around to watch the aftermath is only going to tear you apart. Save yourself the heartache, and forget that bitch and the jackass she's riding out on.
henna-red henna-red 5 years
No not selfish. You know you can't trust him, he cheated. And she lied to you about dating him. That's a betrayal. I think losing a friend is way harder than losing a boyfriend, and if I were you, I think I'd trust my intuition. I also think, that after 15 years of friendship you may want to talk to her, tell her exactly what you think and how you feel. Exactly. Calmly? I don't know. Do you feel calm. I wouldn't. I'd be pissed as hell and letting her know it. If she knows you well, then she knows better than to expect calm if you're not. Trust yourself. Tell the truth. It's a truly crappy situation, I'm sorry.
Bettye-Wayne Bettye-Wayne 5 years
Yeah I'm going to have to third that FUCK HER. If she doesn't respect you enough to be honest about her feelings and dating life, she doesn't respect you enough to be your friend, flat out. You're better off without either of them.
Pazuzu Pazuzu 5 years
I think you may be right about your intuition. And if she slept with him while you were engaged that's so much worse than just hooking up month later Honestly if I were in this situation id say forget you both. Id think back to everytime we all hung out and were they making eyes at eachother behind my back? Was she always interested, was he always looking at .her? I wouldn't be able to handle it but you may be different. You sound very mature and you've handled it well so far. The best thing to do is talk to her. Tell her everything and ask for her side. Then decide whether you can live with it or not. But remember, if you keep her in your life, for however long they're together, he'll be in your life too.
lcrox07 lcrox07 5 years
^^ LMAO. I wanted to say Fuck her but then I was like hmmm, Yeey glad she said it too. lol
JessicaM25 JessicaM25 5 years
Fu*k her. You need to get rid of her ASAP and move on to a better friend. Putting all women codes aside, she waited 1 MONTH to jump his bones. Friends do date other people's ex but usually that is spoken about before and most of the time they would not pusue it. These people (your friend and your ex) make me sick. It's disgusting what they are doing and you should really leave this situation. Things will never be the same with you and your friend. You will always envision her sexually pleasing him and him saying I love you and all that other ness. You're so much better than this. GL!
lcrox07 lcrox07 5 years
I'm sorry but NO. You are not selfish at all. I think it's bullshit when it comes to this. For a friend of 15 years to be dating your ex-fiance is completely wrong. Girl code is real and should be respected. Unless you had passed away I can see this as okay, but no. This is wrong. It is awkward for all of you. It's too late now, but if I were you I would distance myself from them both. She has no respect for your friendship.
chibros chibros 5 years
You're not sounding selfish, No no no, not at all. Its really cool how ok you find it. All you said is really normal and the good thing is that you handled everything MATURELY, that's nice of you. Apart from cheating, your most worries would be based on exposing your secrets to your ex. But just remember, he is already an ex, there's nothing to worry about no matter what he know about you, you guys already not together anymore. Just speak with your friend to know how to manage things between her, you and your ex. If it doesn't make sense, rather move on and make new friends. Your really worth more than them, reason and behave matured.
kimberdoll kimberdoll 5 years
You don't sound selfish for one second! In fact, you sound quite the opposite in even talking to her still! Agree with the advice above . I'm sorry this had to happen to you, it sounds like you deserve much better people to surround yourself with. Don't ever feel selfish.
Casey111 Casey111 5 years
First off - you are totally justified in every way for feeling the way you do. I can answer two ways, I guess. Were it me - this chick would be gone, 15 years or not. It would've been one thing if she had approached me a couple months after the break up and said she was interested in him and we talked things over and eventually they started dating - but it didn't go down like that. Unfortunately, female intuition tends to be correct, and if you feel like he cheated with her - you may darn well be right. However. Perhaps the better advice, would be to evaluate your friendship with this girl and have a long drawn out chat about her dating your ex. Tell her how you feel, how much you love her, and how confused you are. Throwing in why your trust is wavering is also good - and mentioning the things you did above. Once you lose trust in a friend - that's a biggie. It's better for you to talk to her about why you're hurt and see if you can move on. In the end - a guy is indeed just a guy - but good female friends are tougher to come by. If she's sincere about what happened, you may find it in your heart to move past all this.
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