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My Best Friend Hates My Fiance

Dear Sugar
I met one of my best friends in graduate school while going through a terrible breakup. She was always there for me and was very instrumental in helping me move on in my life. We remained very close after graduation but have since drifted apart.

Post graduation, I got a full time job and met a guy who I live with. The beginning stages of my relationship were quite tumultuous and my girl friend immediately took a dislike to him. My boyfriend and I have worked out all our differences and have since become engaged. We are madly in love and he makes me very happy.

Since my fiance and I started living together, I don't see my friend as much anymore. We try to makes plans but they never seem to work out. Since I am now a on a budget I try to suggest other alternatives to going out to dinner as I am trying to save money for the wedding. Every time I ask her to come over, she won't because she doesn't want to be around my fiance and every time I ask her if I can come over to her place, she complains that it's too messy. The excuses just go on and on.

I have an amazing life and my best friend has become quite a thorn in my side. It pains me to think this way about someone I used to be so close with and I have no idea how to mend this situation. I really don't want to lose her but I can't go on with the incessant guilt trip she hands me. Any insight would be greatly appreciated. Overwhelmed Olivia

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Overwhelmed Olivia
Going through rough patches with friends is totally normal, but can be very painful. It sounds like you and your gal pal have been through a lot together and she means a great deal to you. Mending a broken friendship can take a lot of work, but rediscovering each other could be a blessing in disguise.

Since you will be spending the rest of your life with this man, it is important that your best gal pal warms up to him. Perhaps creating an environment where they can spend more time together and get to know each other will allow her to see how well he treats you and how happy you are together. It sounds like her overprotective ways are preventing her from giving him a chance.

Being frugal with your money while saving for your wedding is important. Spending quality time together does not always require spending a lot of money. Since your friend doesn't feel comfortable coming over to your place and doesn't seem to want company at hers, try suggesting taking a walk, grabbing coffee, or having a picnic in the park.

Having a heart felt discussion with your friend is a must. Let her know how important her friendship is to you and how much you would love her support during this time in your life. Tell her that although people change, there is still a way to make old friendships work. Growing apart from old friends can be very trying, but if you both put forth the effort to making it work, you could come out of this trying time closer than ever.

Join The Conversation
colormesticky colormesticky 10 years
Been there. I just keep it civil around the now-husband and keep my mouth shut. But if it's not just the best friend- if your parents hate him too- Jesus, listen to them. We know what we're talking about! Your friend and possibly family?) is on your side, and she only hates him because she cares about your well being. Promise.
KimmiAnn KimmiAnn 10 years
I am in the same situation with my bestie. We've been best friends for over 10 years now. She's been with her current bf for 5 years and he's a dillhole. He cheated and played her in the beginning and decided he was jealous of me right off the bat. I've never understood how he can NOT like me, when I've never done anything to him. Now we have a mutual hatred and she comes over all the time, but he will NEVER come over. I invited him once, to try and make nice, and he didn't come. He's not engaged to her, thank the goddess....and shows no signs of making that kind of a commitment to her. It is possible to be friends with your girl, and keep your relationship separate. As your friend, she should be willing to avoid conversations about him, and running him down, when you guys spend time together. That should ease some of the tension! when it comes down to it, i let them think what they want, if they care enough to bother with what i do, then i'm already better than them anyway - mm
Lindsb Lindsb 10 years
My boyfriend is being an ass right now (see my blogs for more info - ha), in fact I'm not sure if we are going to work through our issues. (I'm so happy that you have and you are truly happy) My best friend despises him for putting me through all these awful emotions and even if we make up I know she'll act like your friend. It's the way she is. She's stubborn and I think she is jealous that I was so happy for so long. I know she missed me because I was spending so much time with him. So, maybe that's it.. maybe she distances herself because she feels like she's losing you to him (making her dislike him more) and would rather not get hurt in the process? It could be a lot of things. I would recommend telling her how much you miss her and would like to have her in your life. Let her know that moving forward with your boyfriend is a very conscious choice you have made and are happy with. Also, that you don't expect her to pick up any pieces if it doesn't work out. I hope this helps a little. Good luck.
PinkSparkleGrl PinkSparkleGrl 10 years
I have a similar situation with my best friend - in the way that I DISLIKE her BF very much. But you know what, I love her and she is my best friend and supposedly he loves her and he makes her happy, then good for her! I am always very courteous and nice to him, and I have told her how I feel. I have good reasons to not like him - 1. She started dating him when he was dating someone else and he REFUSED to leave his other GF - she said OK I love you. 2. He disappears for days at a time and says that he lost her number (after 3 years??). 3. She is not allowed into his house at anytime, etc. etc. BUT she is my best friend and all I can do is voice my opinion I feel if your friend is being that rude and is willing to drop your friendship THAT fast, she really is not a true friend after all.
cubadog cubadog 10 years
I have a close friend that went through a similar situation. It is tough especially since she is the person that you would go to, to complain about your fiance. It is going to take some time for her see him in a more positive light. You definitely need to sit and have a heart to heart with her but you may have to come to terms with them never being friends. I know that is what happened with my friend and her best friend. She tolerates him and that is about it.
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