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Is My Boyfriend Bored With Us?

Dear Sugar--

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and a half and up until recently, he very rarely went out with his friends on weekend nights. He said that he preferred to spend weekend nights with me because he was sick of the bar scene. (He does spend time with his friends during the week and occasionally on weekend afternoons.) However, like I said, lately he's been making plans more often to go out with his friends on weekend nights and I'm nervous about it for a couple of reasons. Going to the bar with his friends on the weekend is something he did when he was single and more importantly, he said he was sick of that whole scene. Why the change all of a sudden?

I have to accept the fact that our relationship isn't brand new and as exciting as it used to be, he's now in that stage where he's re-establishing contact with his friends. It's healthy, I know this. It gives us time to be with our friends, but it's still scary because it's something new. How do I convince myself that this change doesn't mean that he's bored with us? And, how do I convince myself that one night out with his friends doesn't mean he's going to eventually want to spend EVERY weekend night with them?

--Nervous Nell

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Nervous Nell--

I definitely understand that this would make you feel a little insecure about your relationship but I wouldn't get too worked up just yet. It sounds like there was a time when he was into the bar scene, so maybe he's just craving some guy time which probably has nothing to do with how he feels about you.

Have you talked to your boyfriend about this sudden interest in going out all the time? Since you have been dating for such a long time, I'm sure he'll appreciate knowing how you feel. Don't be afraid to tell him that this sudden change makes you weary about the security of your relationship. Ask him flat out if there is something he's upset about, or if he wishes something were different in your relationship. Find out if he's bored, or possibly nervous that you guys are getting so close. Is it possible that he's feeling pressured about plans for your future together (did someone say engagement)?

If he says he just enjoys going out from time to time with the boys, know that time with his friends is healthy. Or, how would you feel about heading out to the bars with him? Perhaps you can compromise, he gets time with his friends, and you get time with yours, but are open with him about how much time you want to spend together so his bar hopping doesn't become a weekend ritual. Some time apart could be really good for your relationship -- there is something wonderful about missing someone, even if it's just for one night! Good luck Nell!


Join The Conversation
Liss1 Liss1 10 years
I wouldn't worry about it too much. You guy's need time to your self sometimes. When my husband goes out with his friends he goes to the bar. When i go out with my friends we go to dinner and shopping or to a movie. We all do different things. I can't picture men going out and shopping with their friends, so the bar seems like a better idea.
Marci Marci 10 years
I agree with Dear that rather than build this up in your head, why not speak with your boyfriend about it? That's the only way to really find out what's going on.
ash_marisa ash_marisa 10 years
I wouldn't worry too much. He probably just realized he wasn't giving the guys time, and the bar is just their place to connect (as with many guys). I realized I had been not spending enough time with the girls, and that I would probably be much happier and fulfilled (even though I was already very happy and fulfilled) and we now have girls martini nights very Thursday now. He should, of course, be giving you one weekend night.
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