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My Boyfriend Likes to Make Me Jealous

Group Therapy: My Boyfriend Likes to Make Me Jealous

This question comes from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

My BF (of 10 months) makes comments about other girls in front of me, about their bodies, how pretty they are, etc. I tell him that it upsets me and he says that he only does it to make me jealous because he feels like it makes me want him more. He said that when I stop getting upset over his comments is when he'll know that I don't want to be with him anymore.

I tell him that I don't need to be made jealous to love him and want him, and that all it does is make me feel like HE doesn't want ME. He basically shrugs it off like it's nothing, like I'm overreacting. When I bring up that I don't like some of the comments he makes about other girls, that it makes me feel like he's not attracted to me, he just says I have nothing to worry about. Well that's great but I can't help that his comments make me feel like crap. And that on top of that it doesn't even seem like he really cares that it's hurting my feelings.


The main point that I wish he would realize is that the comments don't make me want to love him more or try hard to get him to love and appreciate me, it makes me withdraw from him. I have always been a very reclusive person, very withdrawn from people and don't open up to many people at all. When we started going out I started opening up more and more, he wasn't always making comments about other girls like this. My confidence was so high and I felt great in our relationship. Now I feel sad, paranoid, low self-esteem, like he would rather be with someone else. I feel like I have become even more withdrawn than I was before.

So what should I do? How can I get him to stop? Should I start acting like his comments don't phase me? But then he'll feel like I don't want him. I do want to be with him. I just don't know how to get around this. Please help, I have no one else to talk to. Thanks.

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BlackJuwlz BlackJuwlz 6 years
Btw, the girl he went to go see was an ex-girlfriend of his that he was talking to behind my back as well...
BlackJuwlz BlackJuwlz 6 years
That just happened to me. A guy I have loved for about a year continuously kept commenting about the women he was staring at, and would flirt with women in the school we attended behind my back. I was dumb and nieve and tried to over-look his flaw, as we all have them. His excuse for not stopping was that he gives me compliments, and my return reply was, that's great. What makes me any different than them then? I don't feel special. That argument began, then he would always win with the guilt trips, like I'm the one unappreciative of his time alone with just me. But tell me this, how special is our time alone if you're busy taking about or looking at other women? Because I didn't stick up for myself and cut him off the moment he did it, he took more drastic measures because I began not responding or getting jealous, as he told me that being jealous meant insecurity. He recently went over another woman's house with my vehicle and spent time with this girl and her mother. I didn't know the girl, and there was no way I would have found out. But he decided he wanted to tell me, but not in an apologetic way because of course, his pride won't allow him to see past my broken heart, and after all, it's me with the jealous problem... although if the tables were turned (and all I did was look at other men and visit them looking all sexy and then tell him about it like it was ok) would I get the same reaction?. I acted as if it didn't bother me, and three days later I broke up with him. I still have not told him why. He doesn't deserve that explaination. I have found that I became too dependent upon what he thought of me, and he became the only voice that mattered in the relationship. I couldn't be pretty without him, and that was a serious problem. No woman worth the wait deserves to put up with bone-heads who have a compass for a d***. I know men that really love their girl. If a man does that to you, what he's asking you indirectly is, "What makes you so different?" A man that deems you special won't have to ask such a cockamamy question because there will be something about you that totally outshines any other woman in his eyes, and it will captivate him. Trust me. You won't have to deal with the drama of "other women" with a real man. Sarah_Bellum is right. Being alone and loving yourself is better then handing your heart over to someone who is just going to wipe his a** with it hun. I'm just now getting it, and I've begun my healing process. The main ingredient is: >>being alone<<.
GregS GregS 6 years
You have 2 good feet. Stand up and walk out the next time he does that. And don't look back. He's an idiot. Don't suffer. He's not worth it.
HollyJRockNRoll HollyJRockNRoll 6 years
BREAK UP WITH HIM!!!!!!!! He doesn't respect you if he's continuing doing something that hurts you and this is so so freaking disrespectful. Seriously, dump him. He is such a jerk and he is manipulating you!!! Just say that you don't think its going to workout anymore. If you tell him why he'll just try to manipulate you to stay by calling you insecure. Don't let him. Just say you don't want to date him and ditch the loser!!!!!!
Janine22 Janine22 6 years
The bottom line is that he truly does not care that what he says hurts you and continues to do it. That is a sure sign that his behaviour is intentionally meant to hurt you, and BettyWayne and many others are right, that is emotional abuse. Making someone feel bad about themselves so that they will stay with you is abusive. That is the typical behaviour of an abuser, break the girl's self esteem down so low that she truly believes that no other guy will ever want her or that she is not good enough for you. Then she will never leave and she will put up with the abusive behaviour without putting up boundaries because she believes that his behaviour is somehow her fault or that she has no other options. The next thing that an abuser will do is to isolate you from friends so that you feel more dependent on him. Has your bf started to do this yet, because he likely will. This behaviour is a serious red flag that he wants to control you, he has the potential to become even more emotionally abusive or physically abusive. Please ask yourself why you want to be in a relationship with a man that makes you feel bad about yourself? Why do you think that being with him is better than being alone? I dated a guy that did that to me, and it was the same thing, he made me feel like I needed him and that I couldn't live without him. He ended up cheating on me, he broke my heart and he also broke down my self worth. As soon I got some distance from him and got over the hurt I realized that I feel MUCH better about myself when I am not around him. I allowed him to treat me this way though, just as you are allowing this guy to destroy you. Why are you allowing this to happen??? Why do you have so little respect for yourself?? I hope you can figure this out and please walk away from him. If you cannot walk away, then please get some therapy. If you cannot leave him then as someone else suggested, learn to set up boundaries with him. This is a VERY important life lesson. When he says things like that, walk away, do not put up with it. If you teach people that you will let them treat you badly and put up with it, they will just continue to do so. Realize that you are worth more than this and you can do better than this guy. I truly hope that you can do this. Good luck.
shreerose shreerose 6 years
Dump his ass.
postmodernsleaze postmodernsleaze 6 years
Wow. Talk about a manipulative fuckhead. You should get out of this relationship before it gets worse. Hurting your feelings and then twisting it around on you is a really bad red flag behavior.
lickety-split lickety-split 6 years
In a relationship, you make your point once or twice and then face facts. It's not that they didn't hear you, there was no confusion or misunderstanding: they don't care.
danakscully64 danakscully64 6 years
Do you see how many red flags are up right now? I very rarely respond to these stories with "dump him" because I don't think that's always the solution.... but my vote is "dump him." You've told him it hurts you, he doesn't care, he won't change his behavior. You've only been together for 10 months, you should still be in the honeymoon phase. Run. This behavior IS abusive.
totygoliguez totygoliguez 6 years
I think you should talk to him and tell him what you just told us. If he doesn't response, it is time to find somebody else because his attitude is affecting your mental health.
flyinggrip flyinggrip 6 years
If you don't want to dump him, just stop responding to his comments. As he even said he is doing it to get a reaction out of you, if you stop getting upset over his comments then he'll probably stop.
tlsgirl tlsgirl 6 years
Everyone else already said it best already. Just get rid of him. Talking to him clearly isn't going help and he's clearly, as sarah_bellum said, a "manipulative psycho creep." He's so not worth your sense of self.
Spacekatdude Spacekatdude 6 years
My first reaction is: The dude sounds like a dick. He sounds like a dick NOT because he notices other girls. (Looking at other girls is a good thing, because if he didn't notice other girls he would (a) be gay, which doesn't help you; or (b) be locked off from his sexuality like Christine O'Donnell, or (c) lost in his own world.) He sounds like a dick because he keeps doing this thing that he knows hurts you. (Does he do other things repeatedly that he knows hurts you? If so, that suggests a pattern of selfishness/callousness that makes him not good dating material.) On the other hand, it seems like you might have some self-esteem issues that you need dealing with. (It's ok, we all do.) Would you find it acceptable if he looked at other girls (which he will probably keep doing - we guys are programmed, hardwired to do so - sorry, can't help it) - would it be ok with you if he looked (slyly) but didn't say anything? If not, then there might be some self-esteem issues you need to work on, too. (That's ok, too, because in every relationship, BOTH people have stuff to work on.) Also, I think the whole "I look at other girls to make you jealous" just sounds like the first excuse he thought of when you called him on it. He's probably not looking at other girls to make you jealous - he's probably doing it because, well, we like to look at pretty girls. Sounds kinda like he's treating you like another dude instead of a girlfriend. (Check for other signs of that - that's not good.) Good luck! Spacekatdude
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 6 years
I think you should leave. But I get the feeling you aren't ready for that yet. (Hope I'm wrong! You don't need to deal with stuff like this.) If you stay, you need to set some limits. Whenever he comments on another girl's body, turn and walk away. No matter what you are doing together. Even if it inconveniences you. If he follows you and asks what's going on say, "I'm not listening to that crap." Be consistent about it. If he is a keeper, he will eventually stop. Never beg. Never lower yourself to try to get a man to treat you well. The more respect you have for yourself, the more respect a man will show you. If you wouldn't want a daughter or sister or mother to experience a certain behavior, don't allow it to happen to yourself.
jazzytummy jazzytummy 6 years
Everyone is right. Dump this asshole. This isn't about your insecurity and shortcomings, it is about his. He sounds like a horrible person. No woman with a backbone would put up with him. Be ready for him to come back to you after you bail all sweet and promising that he will change.....he won't. People don't change their basic nature, they just don't. Don't fall back into a dysfunctional relationship, no matter how lonely you are. Start focusing on yourself and getting involved with events and people who build up your confidence and self-esteem. This may not included a boyfriend for awhile, but that is probably a good thing right on yourself.
Raynne413 Raynne413 6 years
It sounds as if he's an immature @rse. If you LOVE someone, you DON'T do something that you know makes them feel like crap. You don't play games with them mentally and you don't manipulate them. You deserve better. Leave this guy.
Bettye-Wayne Bettye-Wayne 6 years
I really don't think he's putting you down to test your love for him, I think he's methodically breaking down your self esteem so when he starts to physically abuse you, you will truly believe that no one else will ever love you, and you'll stay. Maybe I'm wrong (hopefully I'm wrong) and that's not his intention, but that is a textbook example of how abusive relationships start. Please listen to me and everyone else here who has told you to leave him.
soulsearcher83 soulsearcher83 6 years
"But he does this" or "But he does that." I'll bet that's what you are doing to try to justify his behavior to yourself. Sarah told you exactly what you needed to hear, but I get the sense that it won't matter to you anyway because you'll stay and feel like crap rather than be alone. Prove me wrong. Leave this dirtbag. You can't fix him and if you stay with a guy who treats you this way, you get what you ask for.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 6 years
Geez. What a douchebag. Not the part where he's admiring other ladies (we all can admire/appreciate beauty), just the part where he's completely insensitive about your feeling after you've expressed your pov and that he's turning that against you by saying that if you don't get upset = you don't love him. WTf? Feeling upset = not fun, and he wants you to be upset to prove your love? Wtf? This is a lose-lose situation I'd rather not be in...EVER. sarah_bellum is right, this guy cares less about your feeling than the strangers online reading your post. Dude, you can't be stroking his ego in the expense of your feeling. So, if I were you, I get him to stop by WALKING AWAY..wait running away from him.
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