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My Boyfriend Lives at Home

"When Will My Boyfriend Move Out From His Parents'?"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

Hi, everyone. My boyfriend and I have been together a year now. We went to high school together. We're both 27. I have two kids; he has none. They live with their dad, and I live by myself. He lives with his biological mom and dad. He and the kids get along great.

I was living with my dad when we got together, and I moved out two months into our relationship. I gave him a key. Things were great. He cooked, cleaned; we talked all night, had frequent, amazing sex. So three months after we started going out, his housemate said he was renting out the house and moving. So he moved back in with mom and dad, and it all started slipping downhill.


She cooks, cleans, and does his laundry for him. He pays rent, but doesn't pay for anything else. He eats everything, has gained nearly 10 kilograms, stopped going to the gym, and got a dead-end shift job. Sometimes he drinks after work, even by himself. He always wants me to stay there because he can't be bothered driving to my house. I do occasionally, but at my place, we could do whatever we want. At his place, we just end up sitting in front of the TV, watching what his parents are watching, and he falls asleep on the sofa. Then he goes to bed and leaves me at 5 a.m. to get ready in the morning with his parents.

At my place, he's stopped cooking, doesn't clean, drinks, and watches TV until he falls asleep.

I moved houses a month ago, just before we hit our first year. I asked him to move in, and he said "he's not ready for that level of commitment." Then he complained that I couldn't afford a nice enough house with a lockup garage for his car with shiny rims. And now he hardly ever comes over. He wants me to stay at his house all the time. He doesn't call me after work, waits until bedtime to text me, and is just super lazy in the relationship. We have sex once a week, if that, and when we do, it's always the same.

Then his parents went to Europe for six weeks. It was amazing! He cooked, cleaned. We went out. He stayed over. I stayed at his. We had parties, and things were so good, then his parents came back.

He didn't get me anything for our anniversary. OK, I lie: he stopped at the gas station and got me a birthday card and some flowers. He complained that I wasn't going to stay at his place. Then he was late. And I had to make the booking. He complained about the food on the way home and he fell asleep. We didn't even have sex on our anniversary.

He started going out with his mates a bit, but complained that he was spending too much and his savings were dwindling. Last weekend, he went out. I asked him to take it easy, and he agreed. Well . . . he spent hundreds of dollars and got arrested!

I just don't know what to do anymore. I know he still loves me, but he's behaving like a child. I had a firm talk with him and told him he needs to grow up. I even talked to his dad, and he agreed. I love him so much. He's a great person and he does treat me well, my friends like him, and everyone thinks we're perfect for each other.

I can't help but wonder. Am I wasting my time waiting for a miracle to happen?

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously on Group Therapy for advice and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

henna-red henna-red 5 years
Just want to say, keep in mind that depression and bipolar, issues like this require professional help. If it really starts to look like something like this may be an issue of his, then support from you is important, but it means nothing if he isn't working himself, with a professional, a doc, to treat the issue. You can't help a person heal who isn't working to heal. He's making an effort now, he's saying he will do things, but those are words, and this effort is only a few days old and unless those words are backed up with consistent action, responsible action, a real dedication to a change of behavior and lifestyle, then those words don't mean anything. And you can't honestly judge his actions on a three day effort with the promise of more. You have kids. And you don't have the right to put this man ahead of whatever is best for your kids, whatever his issues may be. You just don't. Those kids must be your first priority always. A lot of women do this thing....he's in trouble or he's ill or he has this issue and they refuse to "walk out on him". The problem is, they stick, even when that man with the issue is doing nothing to address his own issue. And it really doesn't matter how much effort you put into his issue, if he isn't balls to wall addressing his issue, working to change his lifestyle, behaviors, problem solving...and working with a doctor to treat any diagnosed depression or bipolar....then support from a partner means nothing. Listen, I totaly get you're in love....but I also get that you are unwilling to seriously look at the possibility that this man's issues may be beyond what you can deal with, if they are beyond what he will deal with....and again, you have kids who have to come first, before your love, before your determination to stick no matter what. And right now, talking about taking a step towards a class is just talk. And you can't afford to make these kinds of decisions based on what he MUST base them on his actions, his follow through. And this guy knows how to manipulate. He knows what to say to get your support, to make you keep on coming back, again and again. He's helping you out at home.,,,but what is he actually doing about helping himself? About working to be independent? What is he actually doing? You need to actually see him do the things he says he wants to do, and you need to see him work consistently to maintain this change, or none of what he says means shit. Action....not talk. If you didn't have kids, then your choices would only affect you, but you do have kids. And having some guy in their lives who is not a consistent, positive workable male figure is not acceptable, just because you don't want to give up on this. I'm not telling you to leave, or suggesting you leave. I'm saying you need to stop anticipating choices like having him move in with you until he's demonstrated the neccessary changes. He has to prove that he's working for himself to be a successful human, and not just talking jive to stay in this situation which is disfunctional, but known. The crap we know is easier to face the unknown future. Chang is scary and hard. And inevitable. The only thing that never changes is that things change. A necessary law of the universe. Just make sure those changes are moving in the right direction. Moving, not just hearing, but doing.
DreamerGirl85 DreamerGirl85 5 years
I was informed today he is planning to move out of home as he cant stand living with his parents any longer, and that he's not moving in with me yet, but is considering it at the end of the year before xmas when my lease expires. He's looking at getting into an independant management course (dont need your employer to enrol you) too, which is a huge step. He called me to talk to me about some problems he had today too, which is a huge change. I honestly believe sticking it out these 3 days has been a good decision. Hes coming to me for support, helping me out at home and even planning our visits ahead. Im not the type of person to walk out on a person when they need guidance and support the most, but are just too scared to ask for it. He wouldnt do that to me (and hes had his chance) so im not going to do it to him. Especially if he has depression or bipolar
amvck amvck 5 years
Move on. You have two children, they should be your priority and you shouldn't expose them to such an irresponsible person and have them think that his behavior is normal or to be tolerated. You don't need a 27 year old child. 
henna-red henna-red 5 years
Dreamgirl, best of luck with your guy and your relationship! Just remember that constancy is all, consistency is the key. And if he's dealing with depression, or even with bipolar disorder, then he's going to need some professional help eventually, to stay on an even keel, to keep some balance in his life. If he's dealing with any kind of chemical imbalance, then pushing himself into an active phase can mean he's holding on by the skin of his teeth, just knuckling through. If he's able to maintain a balance and positive attitude and actions, that's great! But if he can't, it may be more than just attitude, laziness, and learned bad behavior, so keep your eyes open. blessed be
robertomarquezm robertomarquezm 5 years
You are really wasting your time. Leave him and don t look back.
Silje Silje 5 years
There are no miracles. Can you live with him being like this or can't you? He might have been perfect for you once and might become so again, but it seems, for now, that he has stopped trying. And when he stops trying and things are the same for him, why bother going back to being good to you?    You deserve someone who at least is willing to try. If he won't, leave him and enjoy your (already almost found) singledom. You already have two kids, you don't need a 27-year-old bonus kid. A 27 year old man would be better. 
DreamerGirl85 DreamerGirl85 5 years
Thanks Henna Red I havent found the right time to talk to him and give him my ultimatum, but it looks like i might not need to. He told me yesterday that he's decided to use the money he's saved to do some courses to get himself a better job with better hours that suit our lifestyle (he starts at 4-530am everyday, 5-6 days a week). He said his dad spoke to him too and i think after me losing my head after he told me he got arrested 3 weeks ago, things have sunk in. He did some amazing things with my kids on the weekend too, which showed a great level of commitment and respect to me and them. Something has flicked a switch in his head that has put his mind in gear. I hope it amounts to something! Im really happy and proud of him right now. Its a big deal for him to make a decision, and with some support and encouragement from his friends and family, he will most likely stick to it. As long as it was his decision Im not holding my breath, as anything can happen, but im going to support this wise decision and stick by him. Here's hoping it all amounts to a happier, more positive outlook all round :) Thanks again everyone. Your wise words will be in the back of my mind should he need pulling up again :)
henna-red henna-red 5 years
Hi dreamgirl. You know, it doesn't matter how much you want or try to help him if he's not trying to help himself. It's frustrating for anyone who loves a person with an addiction issue, a health issue, mental or physical....but if that person isn't working for themselves the battle is already lost. All you're doing is feeding into his issue, giving him another person to be dependent on. If he won't stand up and work for himself, his health, his life as an adult and instead, only sits back and expects everyone and everything to come to him....and if the people in his life indulge that....what chance does he have to even want to be better, do better. People who do this see the people around them as a resource, something to be used and will keep trying to do this until they've used up every resource available. They're manipulative, selfish, self centered.....all of the things you've observed. At this point, the only real solution you have is to deny him yourself as a resource. If his parents won't do that also, then this situation is going to continue. I don't see a resolution, particularly if you're not willing to stand up and tell him the truth, straight out, to his face, without worrying about his whining or bitching....or about losing him. I, personaly, believe that what you need to do is lose him. YOU can't heal him. You can't make him work to heal himself. You can support him in making a choice change, to see a therapist/counselor, to move into his own space....but that is going to require you to be very truthful with yourself about who he is and what he is not willing to do. Why should he change it if he's happy with what he has and with everyone working to make him happy, no matter what he does or does not do for himself? Potential is an incredible thing, but it only matters if the person with potential is persuing the possibilities. Nothing you can do for a person who wastes their potential, happily.
DreamerGirl85 DreamerGirl85 5 years
Thanks ladies. Everytime someone tries to encourage him to do something, he complains that everyone is picking on him and he gets angry at us all. His parents are a problem though. They both agree with me yet do nothing about it. He suffers from OCD but thats not the problem. He's just self-indulgent, selfish and lazy. He has been through depressive phases before but everyone just tells me "thats just him" and that frustrates me. His family see him as an adult so they treat him accordingly, but mentally, he's still an irresponsible 20 year old. They need to be supporting that 20yo interior so he feels safe enough to come out of this rut. It saddens me, because I feel lile im the only person who understands who he is, just not why. Why wont he help himself?? Is he afraid? Why wont he trust me? Ive done nothing to break his trust before. Im not in a poisonous relationship, im certain of that. And he is a cheerful person, so he's not dragging me down with him. I want him to see a counsellor but dont know how to tell him. Ive also considered an intervention but i dont want him to hate me. Why cant he see how hard im trying to help him acheive what he says he wants to acheive? Im worried if i said "get help or im leaving" he would just say "well leave" because he's stubborn and can be spiteful when he knows he's wrong. I dont want to leave him, not over this, so its hard for me to do that for him to grow up. *sigh*
BiWife BiWife 5 years
ditto on what henna said. It definitely sounds like he's slipped into depressive/self-destructive habits after facing a big change. while he is such, I don't think he's really the kind of person you want your kids to spend a lot of time around, or you for that matter. I think he could definitely benefit from some form of counseling or support group help. I would keep him at an arm's length until he agrees to get help.
henna-red henna-red 5 years
Sounds to me as though your boyfriend is afraid to grow up. He faced a challenge that most of face at some point in our lives....needing to find a new roomate or apt, and he copped out, moved backwards, and is now facing some depression, or just unmotivated, depressing behaviors. If this were me, and I loved this man, I'd tell him that if he was going to stay in my life, he needed to stand on his own two feet, get out from under mom and dad, and do for himself. And if that didn't start happening "toot sweet", I'd dump him. If he's not willing or able to deal with his life as an adult, them he's not a candidate for partnering or for modeling behavior for your kids. Do you know if he has some history of depression or of this kind of behavior in his past? Sounds to me as though he's slipped back into a seriously codependent space with mom helping into the trough. And if that's is modus operandi, then you need to steer clear of him for yourself, and for your kids. This is the kind of thing that the person has to want to fix, and your guy sounds like he wants and depends on others, has been taught to depend on others and now needs to learn to depend on himself. But he has to want to do that and needs to make the effort to do it and to get himself the help he needs to do that.....whether that's talking to a therapist, or apt hunter.
DreamerGirl85 DreamerGirl85 5 years
Ive moved closer to him btw
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