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My Boyfriend Is Talking to Another Girl

"My Boyfriend Has Been Secretly Contacting a Female Friend"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I have been together with my boyfriend for a year now and we live together. It's been great so far, however, recently I started noticing some secretive behavior coming from him. For about two weeks or so I started noticing him parking outside our house after work and staying in car for almost a half hour. A couple of times he got phone calls from a female when I was with him, but when he answered he said he couldn't talk. On a couple of occasions he was on the phone talking to a female, I casually asked him who that was and he said, "Doesn't matter."

I had strange gut feeling something wasn't right so I asked him directly why he was being secretive and he said that I was trying to control him, he also said that everybody knows I am his girlfriend, although a couple of times when he was on the phone talking to a female he gestured to me to keep quiet. He told me about one of his female friends he knew before we got together, they have never been best friends. He told me she calls him from time to time, but from what I have heard she loves drama in her life and calls him occasionally to ask for advice. I don't know if she is the person he has been in contact with.


The thing is I don't find anything wrong about either of us talking to other people, when somebody texts/calls me and my boyfriend asks me who it was I have no problem in telling him. His behavior towards me hasn't changed, I've never been a jealous person and I do trust him, but I find this whole situation very confusing. I don't simply understand why hide something if it's not something dodgy? I need somebody's objective advice on this and was it really off limits to talk to him about this?

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circle0105 circle0105 5 years
Apologies for all the type-o's. Graveyard shift impairs my grammar.
circle0105 circle0105 5 years
This happened to me. There is something going on between them to, and deep down you're women's intuition is telling you, and you need to trust that voice. And don't say that the girl is drama or anything because 1. it could have been any other girl, 2. she probably doesn't know you exist since he is hushing you, and3. if your boyfriend told you that that's how she it, then he is down playing the relationship he has with her. If he can't do certain little things with you then it's a huge red flag and you need to break up with him so he can see that you respect your self and you are not going to settle for this type of relationship. People allow themselves to be treated a certain way. Find someone who is going to treat you like a princess.
pairodd pairodd 5 years
This happens all too-often.  I would pay very close attention if I were you. I agree, we should be OK to have other friends.  It is when he hides things that you should wonder why he has to hide them.My bf did the same thing to me, and it turned out he was having several emotional affairs (some women knew about me, some did not)   He hid his texts, turned off  his cell phone at night once I got home, never opened FB once I got home (but seemed to ALWAYS be on it during the work hours... It turned out he was FB messaging 4 different girls all day long during the work day...Your guy may be completely faithful to you.  But, he may also be setting something up secretly... And that is not fair to you.  Politely tell him that secrets just don't feel good in a strong relationship.  If he continues to sit outside his car texting, something is definitely up.  If your birthday isn't in a month, he isn't planning a surprise party for you.  So there aren't a whole lot more conclusions to draw, I am afraid...
fmminis fmminis 5 years
Sounds like he might be leading up to something...can you spell menage a trois?
Little-sunshine Little-sunshine 5 years
Thank you guys for your comments, I really appreciate all of them, I will have a talk with him about this, I hope he will understand where I am coming from. Many thanks again
luckyduckyy luckyduckyy 5 years
Although I can see why you're uncomfortable about this, I think you're over-analyzing a lot of what he's doing. First and foremost, what I think you should be uncomfortable with is that he isn't willing to tell you who he's talking to. He shouldn't have to stay in the car to talk to this person. He should be able to walk out of the car and get into the house. And lastly, if you're telling us the whole truth, then you are certainly not being controlling- so it would be off for him to claim you are controlling. Those are the things you should be concerned with. However, I don't see how he is being so secretive if he's doing all this in front of you. He got a phone call from his female friend 'a couple of times' (according to you), and politely told her he couldn't talk right now. Do you think that's because he was busy with you, and didn't want to be rude towards you? Other times when he was on the phone with a female friend he told you to keep quiet. You wrote that part in contrast to this part: "he also said that everybody knows I am his gf", as a means to say that he perhaps wanted you to keep quiet so this female friend wouldn't know about you. Do you think for once that maybe he was busy listening to what his friend was saying, and you talking to him while he was on the phone was kind of rude? You say you've never been a jealous person, but your over-analysis differs with your claim. I think you are feeling jealous. It's okay to feel jealous sometimes, but it's not okay to deny it when you clearly are jealous and even a tad bit suspicious (as you seem to be). Just bring up this issue with your bf in a calm, level-headed, reasonable and polite manner. You can explain to him that you respect his privacy and you are in no way controlling him- that you know that is mean and unjustified, not to mention unreasonable. Then perhaps explain that although everyone is entitled to privacy, what they are not entitled to in a relationship is secrecy, lying, and lying by omission. Tell him that you want him to be more forthcoming in what he does because the opposite makes you uncomfortable and unhappy in this relationship. Those are obviously just suggestions, but they seem reasonable enough given the situation and your feelings regarding it.
henna-red henna-red 5 years
You say his behavior towards you hasn't changed. Then has he before told you to be quiet because he's on the phone? If this is off limits to talk about, then there is a serious problem in you relationship. Quite frankly, I don't think he's being secretive....he's doing all of this stuff directly in front of you, where you can see that something is going on....he's telling you one thing and showing you something else. I think, maybe, that your boyfriend has hit a point in the relationship where he's not comfortable being in a relationship, so he's changing his behavior, pointedly, to get a reaction from you. My guess is that he's looking for distance, possibly the total distance of a breakup, but he doesn't want to be the bad guy. So, instead he makes it obvious that he's talking/interacting with a woman and that it's none of your business......he's making a show of his change, and waiting for you to confront him. He's waiting for you to pull this information out of him, and his sitting in front of your place, and staying on the phone for a half hour where you can see it is a prod for you to say "hey, what's going on." I expect this behavior of his will escalate, until you decide enough's enough, and have that confrontation. Your gut feeling is coming from you observing his change of behavior. You don't want to admit that there's a change of behavior, because admitting that means you have to address it, and addressing it means that your life may be about to change. Your life may be about to change. Whenever there is something that concerns you about a partner's behavior, the best thing to do is to address your concern. This person's life is interwoven with your own. Yes, we all have things that we don't necessarily share with our partners, things and possibly friendships that the other is aware of if not directly involved in, but your guy is making it very clear, with his behavior, that there is a female he's dealing with and he's not going to include you.....he's making it toooo obvious for you to miss. That's a huge red flag. So address your concern. Address your gut feeling. It may be exactly what he wants, and what you don't want to do, but my guess is that he won't let you not address it....he'll just start being more obvious, and he may start withdrawing from you more, until you finally have the conversation he's looking for. A change in behavior like this is generally pointing to some kind of cheating behavior. I think you know that, and don't want to think about it. I think that's why you're here, to let some other folks point it out to you. No matter what's going on, you need to talk about it, because it concerns you. Even if I'm totally off base, and seeing ghosts in your post, you have a concern, a feeling that something's wrong. That's not going to just go away....time to face the fear, the confusion by trying to understand exactly what's going on. And the only way to do that, is to talk to your guy. Good luck to you girl, this isn't an easy or happy thing. Try to stay calm, to keep your thoughts in order, and say to him what you've said here. If you're in need of emotional support, then talk to a friend, or family member, or person of faith....pastor or equivalent if you belong to a body of faith. Good luck, be well. thinkin bout ya.
Aquadave Aquadave 5 years
There is something going on. Like you said about people you talk to, if it's innocent then why be secretive? He's hiding something and it doesn't look good
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