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My Boyfriend Is Ungrateful

"My Boyfriend Is Ungrateful"

This week's confession comes from our anonymous Confession Booth group in the TrèsSugar Community. Weigh in with your advice below.

I've been with my boyfriend Todd for almost a year now. I've been hurt so many times and I've been through a lot of cheating and trust issues from previous relationships, but I've opened myself up to Todd and loved again. I'm so comfortable and open with him. I feel like I do everything for him — literally. I cook for him, I do his laundry, I clean his room, I clean his bathroom, I do his dishes, and I pack his lunch for work. I also cut his hair, shave his face, and listen to him talk about his day. I shower him with love and affection, I pick him up when he's down, and I support him in every decision he makes. I take his advice and never tell him no, I do whatever he asks, and even if he's going to do something I'm not crazy about, I tell him my opinion but don't stop him from doing it.

He's a good boyfriend. He cooks dinner and makes me laugh, but lately I've been feeling like he takes me for granted. He argues with me about random things and then later admits that he was just bored. He'll say crazy things like, "You're always comparing me to movie stars," or "You always doubt me," or "You want me to be perfect." I don't do those things. He says crazy, off-the-wall things that aren't true and gets me all worked up, then when I'm mad, he just wants to end the fight. I love my boyfriend, but I feel like he doesn't do as much for me as I do for him. If I've had a long day at work and ask him for a back rub, he doesn't do it. Or if I want to watch a romantic movie, he says no because he's jealous of the TV — upset that I'd rather watch TV than lay and talk all night with him.


We're both in our 20s, and I don't even live with him but I still do all these things for him. When it's our time to hang out, he spends time with me cooped up in the house. Then when I'm at work, he goes out on little adventures or goes places with his friends or goes to expensive dinners. Am I wrong for feeling neglected? Shouldn't he shower me with love, affection, attention, and gifts? It's not like he doesn't have money — he just got back from a business trip out of the country. I'm not asking for much, and yes, I've brought this to his attention. He claims guys and girls are different and that he gives me 100 percent. He claims that all the stuff I give him is 100 percent and what he gives back is 100 percent and that I can't beg for more because he physically can't give more.

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steph1234 steph1234 5 years
Here's how I see it...a little differently than the rest....You say he's a good guy...and none of us are there to see how he is good to you...we are only getting your perspective of the relationship, but there are a few little clues here. It sounds like you both show your love and affection in different ways. Maybe you should read the book Love Languages...Generally how we show our affection to others is how we'd like to receive it from others...For cook, clean, do laundry ect. for this guy and do all of these things for him to show him you love him...and from your complaints, it sounds like you would like him to reciprocate....Sounds like your love language is acts of service (that's how you show and feel loved)....But he doesn't like it when you watch tv...he would like to just spend time with you talking...sounds like his love language is time(that's how he shows and feels loved)....So you two have different ways of showing love, and that's ok...but you guys need to take the time to compromise and stop running around in circles...Now as far as the really just sounds like immaturity to me.....Good luck!
ChrissyLee ChrissyLee 5 years
This guy is emotionally manipulating you.  He's got you running around as his little slave and then the moment you ask to do something you enjoy he gets jealous and weird.  So you continue to do things for him to keep him happy.  This is no where near a healthy relationship.  You really only have one choice: stand up for yourself and stop acting like a door mat and make him do all the things you're doing for him.  Get back to your life and the things you've been neglecting for him.  If he wants to stick around and respect you then maybe you can reconsider, otherwise dump this creep.  
LittleMzFit LittleMzFit 5 years
He sounds very selfish & self-absorbed.  You sound like a very kind, sweet soul.  But, you need to be able to express yourself & do some things you enjoy.  There needs to be a balance.  If he's not willing to give, then throw him to the curb.  Also, I would not do all of those things for just a boy friend.  Like @pairodd  stated already, you are not his wife or mother.  You are obligating yourself way more than what is needed.  Give yourself some much deserved time away from this guy so that you'll begin to hear your inner voice, again.  Stay true to yourself & never let go of it!  If you don't reserve some of your energy for yourself, others will gladly take from you until there is simply no more to give (because you allowed it) & you will feel constantly drained.
poindexterregan poindexterregan 5 years
You need to set some boundaries, you are WAY too enabling to him. Why do you do so much for him? Is it because you're afraid that if you don't make yourself totally indispensable to him, that he won't want to be with you? Is this how you were in your other relationships? You smother him, and then you're disappointed when he doesn't reciprocate in the same over-the-top way back to you, which is unrealistic. You need to respect yourself more and value yourself more. 
henna-red henna-red 5 years
We teach people how to treat us. You have taught your boyfriend that he can treat you like a parent who will do everything for him with no thought of return. He treats you this way because it's what you have invited him to do and what you allow him to do. We, each of us, decide what is ok to have in our lives and what is not. If you are in a realtionship that is unsatisfying, unbalanced, unreciprocative, it's because you participate in this, allow this. If you want something different, then you have to act differently. You have to tell him what you want. You have to actively participate in your own life also. You give everything to him, what do you give to yourself? What do you leave for yourself? What do you do to take care of you? If he is always taking care of him and you are always taking care of him.....who is taking care of you? The answer needs to be that you are taking care of yourself and he needs to be giving to you what you want and need for this relationship to be reciprocal, and balanced, balanced.....both partners needs being recognized and attended to by both partners. Your boyfriend is following your lead....this relationship is all about taking care of him. You need to be a principal caretaker of yourself, and give him a template to follow. Act like an adult, an equal. Don't treat him like he's your kid. Don't act like his mother. Don't give him a pass. Expect from him what you expect from yourself...which is what you're doing now....what you need to expect for yourself from yourself needs to change...give him a better example to follow...and don't allow him his crap. If you change your own behavior (the only behavior you can change) and he doesn't change his behavior in response, then you have a relationship that isn't going to stand the test of time. So focus on changing you, your behavior. Expect him to grow up by not treating as a child, but as an adult, who is competent to take care of himself.
pairodd pairodd 5 years
Stop doing all of those things for him now. You are only his girlfriend. You are not his mother or his wife. Even his mother or wife would have given him boundaries around what he does around the house now that he is grown up (although it doesn't sound like he has actually grown up) It does sound like he is projecting. Some disappointment with himself onto you. He needs to be sure of himself, to love himself before he can love you...
Silje Silje 5 years
Oh you poor thing :( You are reduced to his maid-with-benefits-only-for-him. If you really do love him and want to make things work, tell him that as of right now you are no longer doing what he can perfectly well do for himself. You are not his mother, neither should he expect it. And you give more than 100% because you are now exhausted from all this and that's clearly a sign that you're giving more than what you realistically can give. If he has to shave his own face, wash his own bathroom and make his own lunch, maybe you have time for some of your romantic movies that he may join you at when he's done with his housework :)   And men can be very sneaky about having to do things they don't want to do, he might "protest" by not doing any of it anyways. This is a test for you, who can be more persistent. So if he goes to work without lunch in the mornings, it's his problem. Bathroom hasn't been washed for three weeks? Not your problem, hold it until you get home. Out of clean clothes? Tough. He'll see if you care. And you won't.   If you start living together at some point, I strongly suggest that you have an agreement on what the two of you expect from each other in terms of chores. With my boyfriend, when there's apartment cleaning time, one of us gets to choose, kitchen or bathroom, and then do that one, and the other does the other one. Then we split vacuuming, changing sheets and dusting between us, but noone rests until everything is done.     And the fighting obviously needs to stop, but he might not pick on you as much or you won't get into it if you are no longer exhausted and he sees you as the majestical creature that you truly are! Best of luck :) 
If there is one thing i always keep in mind concerning love, it is that even though you may love someone with all your heart , never show it all to that person or he might take it for granted. The fact that you love your guy does not mean that he has to take you for granted and so if that is the case then you have to use your knowledge of your boyfriend's behavior to bring about a change in him. It may not be easy to do so without getting him angry , but if you really feel bad about the way in which he is treating you , than do your best to show that to him. Also, you need not do the all in all for him, to show him you really love him, i mean stuffs like doing his laundry are not a must.   Match your friends :
roseate roseate 5 years
His 100% kind of sucks. He sounds emotionally manipulative. I'd ditch him.
bluejay17 bluejay17 5 years
Well, you seem to be his mom instead of his girlfriend... Doing everything for him is not ok, he is a grown man and fully capable of doing such things. Wth are you doing bathing him?! He's not a child! Maybe if it is like a sexy bath where you both participate, then it's ok but you bathing him sounds so weird! That being said, you are not supposed to do stuff for people and expect something back. If you help your boyfriend with his stuff, that doesn't mean he has to do the same. Everybody shows appreciation in different ways. Maybe your attention is overwhelming for him. Does he thank you for the stuff you make for him? If he doesn't then he is definitely taking you for granted. And if he's taking you for granted then you got to get out of there. Doing EVERYTHING for him is obviously a way to make him take you for granted. You really really need to set your boundaries, and give each other space. There are things that he can do by himself and also, he doesn't have to be with you 24/7, he can go out with his friends. You are not his mom. I suggest you start thinking about the things that you deserve. You can either accept him the way he is or start looking for someone better that responds to the things you do in the same way. There's a great book that sums all this up, look it up "Why men love bitches", it will help you. Good luck
kurniakasih kurniakasih 5 years
You need to stop doing: I cook for him, I do his laundry, I clean his room, I clean his bathroom, I do his dishes, I pack his lunch for him for work. I also cut his hair, shave his face, shave all other male parts that need to be shaved.... I bathe him as well sometimes... Those are the things (except shaving face) that I usually do for my son specifically (well, my son is 7) at home. You're not his mother, hon, he's more than capable to do all those for himself. That's very nice of you to do that, but obviously you're not too happy for doing those things, because if you do, you won't be complaining about having to do all those. You should only do things that you don't expect any return from. And nothing that will make you resentful for your partner. But, do still keep doing the: I listen to him about his day, i shower him with love and affection. I pick him up when he is down and i support him in every decision he makes. And be clear about what you ask from him, for example, you want him to take you out for romantic dinner once in awhile. Tell him that's what you want, instead of staying in. Then make the date to go out and have dinner outside. Or you want him to take you for a mini vacation (2-3 days away). If he's too busy, make the plan and consult with him where to go, where to stay, etc. Or go out to watch movies at a theater instead of watching dvd at home. Show him the time and date, you both can discuss when and where. And the list goes on. Don't assume he immediately knows what you're thinking. Let him know in definite term what you want from him. Good luck.
Donna-Freundt Donna-Freundt 5 years
I would feel tempted to STOP doing everything for him. I wouldn't continue to pamper a man who I felt was taking me for granted and isn't giving me back as much as I give. As for him accusing you of comparing him to movie stars etc, he really needs to understand that is not ok for him to just say those things and then act like he meant nothing by it later. Sounds like a pattern he needs to recognize in himself and get under control.. He is really hurting you and putting you through a lot of unnecessary crap. I think the best thing you can do is give him a clear outline of the things you feel you are lacking in this relationship, eg you would like a back massage after a long day, or you would like to be able to watch the movie of your choice once in a while. Tell him how you feel and what you want out of this relationship and that if he can't give you those things, that he won't have a spot in your list of priorities anymore. There is no point in staying with someone who wants it all from you but doesn't want to do anything for it. You deserve much better than that. Good luck I hope he can come through for you.
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