Skip Nav
Movie Trailers
2017's Romance Movies Are Sultry, Charming, and Everything in Between
Why Being With a Sailor Has Taught Me About So Much More Than Just the Ocean
4 RuPaul's Drag Race Queens School Us on the Art of Throwing Shade

My Ex Is Abusive

"My Ex-Turned Friend With Benefits Has Become Abusive"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

My ex and I became friends with benefits after we broke up. As of right now I don't have any more feelings for him but I also don't feel the need to continue any sexual relationship with him. I have told him this and he refuses to let go.

He has begun becoming scarily verbally abusive and gas-lighting things. He makes me feel like I am going crazy. Saying things I didn't say and claiming I did things I never did. He exaggerates a lot of what was said and feels that I am now "obligated" to continue our sexual relationship.


I would love to be friends with him but now I feel he is showing me Cybill and I don't deserve that. He knows I want to be friends and continues to tell me that if we don't continue that we won't be friends and that he will be "done with me."

How should I handle this?

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously in Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

Image Source: Shutterstock
Join The Conversation
RoaringSilence RoaringSilence 4 years
How should you handle this? Tell yourself that with friends like these you don't need enemies and walk away. You are NEVER obliged to stay in a relationship of any kind, or have sex when you don't want to. I did this when I was married, because I couldn't leave because I felt there was always some reason I needed to stay and it was a huge mistake. I stayed out of a misguided sense of principle and because i pitied him. Break it off now, because it will never get easier. Even if you feel you made some verbal commitment to stay with him, just tell him things changed. He has to accept that. He can surely find a girl who wants to stay/sleep with him because she loves him, not because she feels she has to? And you'll get over losing a friend too. This one isn't a great one, and no matter how much time you spent together, you'll get over it and not look back. It also doesn't matter if a lot of those times were good, because you can have fun times even with your enemy. Be strong! And I hope you have better luck with the next one!
ArtsyArchitette ArtsyArchitette 4 years
Honestly, get out of there!!  You may not like it, may not want to hear it and might not believe it could happen, but this situation can go very bad very quickly for you. It does happen. You may end up on the unfortunate side of the situation with a clearly unstable person with a potentially violent attachment to you.    You already said it yourself - you have no feelings or desires for him romantically or sexually, and he clearly cannot just be your friend, though I am unsure of why you would want to be friends with someone who has begun to scare you and treat you unfairly.    End things, walk away and be happy. Just do yourself a favor and tell someone about his behavior, your mom, best friend, sister/brother and officially end things in a semi-private place, but not your home or his. Tell someone when/where you are going to end things with him and stop communication (even if he doesn't with you),  otherwise he'll think you still have your pseudo-relationship.
Bubbles12 Bubbles12 4 years
Agree with everyone else. Who has a successful fwb story?! Someone always seems to be more involved and therefore destined to become bitter. And vengeful one way or the other.
fresh1721 fresh1721 4 years
Why do you want to be friends with this person??? Girl, bye. Drop him and his attitude.
Donna-Freundt Donna-Freundt 4 years
Yeah after what the girls have said and especially what Henna Red said about your safety being a concern, I really feel that I have to add to this. It is, his behavior is forceful and is really disrespectful. I was in a similiar situation to yours once and I did reach out to my family and friends, and I really wish I had of listened to them they told me to just CUT the contact full stop, because the guy ended up dragging me across the floor by my hair one night. Trust your own instincts and what people are telling you because in my situation it really never should of got to that point, I had enough evidence that the relationship was toxic but I still refused to let it go. Put yourself first and your safety first.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 4 years
Your post about your ex scared me, OP. I agree with hena wholeheartedly that you should take measures to be careful and be safe. Cut off contact with this man. If he insists on relationship when you're not; contact proper authority, always keep records/proofs just in case you may have to file for protective order, etc.
henna-red henna-red 4 years
One more word of caution....there was a young woman on this site a little while back who was raped by her fwb, after she broke off the relationship.....another guy who refused to accept the boundary. So don't downplay your feelings, and be safe. thanks
henna-red henna-red 4 years
You completely cut off all contact with him; you don't talk, don't text or contact whatsoever, and if he refuses to comply with your wishes to be left alone....(being friends is not a possibility with this kind of behavior) report him to the police for harrassement. And don't wait for that.....if he isn't going to listen to you when you say it's over, and "demands" send the police after him. A comuninty member who used to contribute here used to recommend the book "The gift of Fear" by Gavin DeBecker, I think. I recommend it to you. Your description of this guy's behavior is alarming and extreme, and you need to take any and every step possible to be safe. This isn't just about polite, social acceptance of boundaries. This is about your safety.....and this guy's refusal to accept the new boundary is threatening to your safety. His response is obsessive, and scary. Never take this kind of behavior lightly. You say he is "scarily verbaly abusive." Listen to your fear around this, and respond defensively. Don't hesitate to reach out to friends to spend time your home, or you at vigilant, and be safe, and let other people in your life know that you have this issue, and ask for help. Everyone in your life needs to know that you and this guy are done, and that he is reacting badly and obsessively. Make them aware that he is out of bounds, and that he may try to manipulate your friends to get info about you and your whereabouts. Just be safe and aware, girl. Whenever you feel afraid of a man's attentions, you must pay attention to that fear....and address it. Don't push it behind you, and so "oh, i'ts nothing...." I'ts always something. blessed be
Donna-Freundt Donna-Freundt 4 years
Do you really want to be friends with someone who says: Have sex with me or else I am 'done' with you. Do you really think that someone who says that values your friendship at all? Ditch him. Tell him not to contact you ever again. Show him you are the one who is done with him! not the other way around.
Covering Up When Breastfeeding
Chicken Tortilla Pie Recipe
5 Phrases to Stop Kids From Begging
Truths About Dating in Your 30s
From Our Partners
Latest Love
All the Latest From Ryan Reynolds