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My Fiance Is Becoming Overly Controlling

Dear Sugar,
I am in college and I've been engaged to a wonderful guy since the spring. We aren't getting married until I graduate and we go to schools on opposite sides of the country.

I was thinking of moving into an apartment with my friend next year. I mentioned this to my fiance and he basically told me that I wasn't allowed to move in with her because she has a boyfriend and if her boyfriend stayed the night in our apartment, then I would technically be living with another guy.

This really upset me. He always says that he doesn't want to be controlling, but this seems very controlling to me. I tried to talk to him about it, but he is very stubborn and he tells me that I just don't understand and I can't see things from his point of view because I'm a woman and he's a man.

Things like this have happened before and I feel like it just gets worse with every new situation that comes up. I know this makes him sound like a jerk, but he's not. I love him more than I could ever express and he's my best friend. We've been together for four years and I can't imagine life without him, but I just feel so constrained. What should I do about this? Fearful Fiance

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Fearful Fiance
This is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. I am glad to hear that you see these red flags. The two of you are going to be married, yet you live in separate parts of the country and this is what he's choosing to be upset about? I would think that he would want you to have a roommie so that you feel safe and have someone to spend your time with when you get home.

In no way does this mean that you are living with another man; he's your roommates boyfriend that occasionally sleeps over. When you say that this kind of thing has happened before, does that mean that it happens a lot? Has he been this controlling for the duration of your relationship?

If you think that he's difficult to deal with now, what makes you think that after the wedding things will be different? If anything, it will only perpetuate his controlling ways. I suggest that you guys live in the same area for a period of time before you get married to see how you handle life together day in and day out. It's always going to be harder to walk away after you've said, "I do."

judyjackson judyjackson 8 years
treats me like a fool, then apologizes, what can i do?
judyjackson judyjackson 8 years
he's sweet sometimes, and horrible others.
judyjackson judyjackson 8 years
the same thing may happen to me, but i don't care.
krissymyoung krissymyoung 9 years
Ya, I believe that is a red flag. We are our own individual selves, and no one has has control over that except us. This is a free country (at least it is the last time I looked!) Someone who has been with you this long should be able to trust you, but it sounds like he has his own problems with insecurity and trust. I would have a serious talk with him on how you feel. Express yourself, let it out girl! Yesterday, I had to let my fiance know that he is being controlling. He got upset with me yesterday when I was on the phone with a friend. We were standing right inside of Kroger, and getting ready to grocery shop. First he waited for me to get off the phone. When he felt he was waiting too long, he started fussing in the middle of my conversation. Later on that day, I was checking my voicemail on the phone. My friend Mike leaves really long voice messages. He will keep talking til he is cut off. There were two messages I needed to check from him. About 5 minutes went by and my fiance got upset and asked,"What all is he telling you?" I just had to ignore him. Then he got upset about me texting. So I'm having some thoughts about where he stands right now!
lexichloe lexichloe 11 years
Woah... if it feels controlling IT IS controlling. If these things have been getting worse over the years, it's time to get out. You are still in college, still VERY young, you have lots of choices in front of you. So, you starting dating him when you were 17, 18? You have to ask yourself one very important question, are you the lucky one, or is he the lucky one? I would be inclined to guess that HE is the lucky one, to have you, that is...and is jealous and/or insecure in your relationship. Just b/c you're engaged doesn't mean you can't call it off, this is your future we're talking about.
My-Opinion My-Opinion 11 years
Run away from the freak, there are way too many men to choose form than to 'settle' for one who has 'LIL man syndrome'
Regular_Lady Regular_Lady 11 years
Run. Run, run, run. A couple of years ago, I read an article about controlling and/or abusive men. It said, "the control, manipulation or abuse VIRTUALLY ALWAYS gets worse after marriage because there is more of a feeling of *ownership* on the abuser's part." I immediately thought of my friend who was on the brink of marrying a very controlling man. Today? The article was exactly right. They got married and she's had to give up everything. Everything - friends, outside interests, travel... She basically can't leave the house (aside from work) because he throws a temper tantrum about her leaving him alone. Even if you know exactly what's going on (as she does) it's hard to change things. It's so much easier for her to just compromise in order to get along. It's no way for anyone to live and it's never going to get better - only worse.
yiddidea yiddidea 11 years
Gotta agree with the majority here. This is an issue of control and trust. He should be able to trust you enough to make the right decision here. If he is worried about what might happen with this other guy around all the time, then he must not trust you to be faithful. Sounds like he has some insecurities about the relationship. I would reccommend having a heart to heart with him about how he is making you feel. If he refuses to hear your side, you may want to re-evaulate the situation. Just my 2 cents...
heatherp heatherp 11 years
if he does not trust you iwth your friend and roommate's boyfriend, i do not think he will trust you in a lot of situations. if your roommate were concerned, that would be one thing, but your fiance is on the other side of the country! marrying right out of college is a huge step - what's the rush for hte wedding? if it is right today or in hte spring it will be right in a year or two,
LaylaCams LaylaCams 11 years
I don't really see it as being control. I mean, maybe a little uncalled for but hey he's on the other side of the country. He's probably scared that if your friends bf stays then the bf's friends will stay and bla ba bla. Totally not controlling
lilxmissxmolly lilxmissxmolly 11 years
RED FLAG! If I were in your shoes, I would call him and say that you're willing to discuss it with him, but if the only thing he has to back up his feelings is that you "wouldn't understand", then he's simply being controlling, as I can see no reason why if your friends boyfriend sleeps over (uh he would be sleeping over with your friend, not you!) it would affect your relationship with him whatsoever. Anyway, say that you'll discuss it with him and give him an opportunity to back himself up, but if he can't actualy convince you that it would be wrong for your friend's boyfriend to sleep over, then its time for a "talk" in which its your turn to do the talking. Again, this is just what I would do.
M155-J4CK13 M155-J4CK13 11 years
I agree with you, L7amiguita.
L7amiguita L7amiguita 11 years
I can kinda see where he is coming from. I am not saying it is right for him to tell you what to do, but put yourself in HIS shoes for a minute. Would you be comfortable knowing that he was moving in to a place where it is very likely that another girl will be spending the night? Yes, ofcourse he should trust you, but he is also an imperfect human so its not surprising that he might not feel ok about that. All sorts of things can happen between two people of the opposite sex who spend a lot of time together, even if you both may be already dating other people. I'm just saying to see his point of view...
Daisy6264 Daisy6264 11 years
So far so good for me. My sweetie would never try and control me :)
new2man new2man 11 years
GET...OUT...NOW... It will only get worse. If you choose to ignore it, then be prepared for increasingly controlling behavior which WILL become abusive. If you decide to stay with him, just don't have kids and subject them to it, too. I have been in these situations far too many times to mention and it always turned out badly. It took me until I was 35 to realize that was an extremely unhealthy way to live. So, I think what you need are the cold, hard facts - he will never change and he will beat you down both figuratively and literally to control you. Your life, your choice - don't waste it.
BeachBarbie BeachBarbie 11 years
This is a big red flag. I very wise older women told me, what gets on your nerves about your significant other will get 10 times worse, later. I've been with my hubby for a total of 15 and half years and I completely agree w/ her. Luckily the things my hubby does that are nerve racking to me, are very small and silly things. I would def. go to a counseler with your man, if I were you before; you get married. Hope this was helpful. The best of luck to you. :) Ms_Magnificent1, You made a great decision! :)
Ms_Magnificent1 Ms_Magnificent1 11 years
I used to have a very controlling boyfriend so I totally understand... One time my male bestfriend bought a motorcycle and he asked me to ride with him. Of course, I agreed...but my then boyfriend was like I didn't give u permission ride with him! Another time I was in his car and while he was talking on his cell I changed the radio station...he was like don't touch my radio! Then sometimes he would talk to me in a condescending voice as well! He was always doing really nice things for me...but he was controlling and acted like my dad and not my boyfriend. Then, he proposed to me...and I put on my thinking cap. I asked myself can I live with this forever...ummm I think NOT!!! Sweetie don't do don't need a second dad!
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