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My Friend Annoys Me

"My Best Friend Annoys Me"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I have been best friends with this girl for 12 years, but recently, our friendship has been stressful. She complains all the time, she hates her life, and she gets fustrated over everything. Everything she says seems to annoy me. I also feel like I annoy her because I ignore her stupid comments and try to give her constructive criticism when she drives because she is a horrible driver. I really don't want to hang out with her anymore. What should I do?

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henna-red henna-red 4 years
I agree, great advice. Friendships go through evolutions....I'm having two friends over for lunch after church this sunday, that I've known since the early 80's. We've shared some really close times, and broken apart two or three times, and come back together again. The people we know the best, and are the closest to are the people with the most power to wound us....and sometimes they do. Time and distance, a fresh keep any relationship going, you have to be on the same page, and sometimes that takes time. So even if you two evolve beyond each other at this point, you just never know what will happen in the future. Take a breath, and have a great new year!
missmaryb missmaryb 4 years
I'm sorry things didn't go as you'd hoped. As with any relationship (romantic, family friend) you seem to be at a point where you need a little break from each other. As Bubbles said, see other friends and both of you take some time to digest your conversation and decide whether or not you should continue this friendship. Maybe in a couple of weeks you girls could get together for lunch or something and talk a little more. I would hate to see such a long friendship end, but only you can decide if it's a healthy relationship, Good luck.
Bubbles12 Bubbles12 4 years
Eva, I really think her self-pitying reaction is typical -- a very human one. Please give yourself serious kudos for being honest, and really being a true friend by giving her that information probably no one else has had the love and nerve to do. She sounds like she's really in a bad place. It isn't your fault and you can't pick her up out of that pity pool, that's her work and you've given her a reality check. Now, you take care of yourself. Go talk with other friends and see what they're up to for New Years and be with your tribe. Do what you can to make sure you have a good time with people who can give back and really, just have fun. May your new year be easier! <3
ForeverEva ForeverEva 4 years
Thanks for all the advice!! So I spoke to her, and she made me feel like I ruined her evening.... I was very diplomatic, but apparently I have a condescending tone. Every time I brought up something she had done and said that bothered me and felt dis-respectful, she just said "interesting...." I would remind her that if there is something going on that she can tell me, and that there was this negativity, and I didn't want it to affect our friendship. She just replied with " Well, i never noticed anything, I just let it go" I told her I wanted to start off 2013 new and fresh and not fight. I don't fight with my other friends and I shouldn't fight with her. And then she said "well it was great for you to just throw this on me, especially after i've only 2 hours of sleep, now i can't concentrate on my work..." We are suppose to spend New Years Eve together, which she also mentioned she doesn't want to because she doesn't want to make my New Years unhappy..I don't think she it took it well, and took it way too personal (as always...) Now I don't what to do, didn't exactly go the way I had hoped :(
Bubbles12 Bubbles12 4 years
You aren't a therapist and shouldn't be held hostage as one. That's one person getting their needs met, not a two way street of give and take. A real friend helps through bad times but the person with the problem has to do the work of solving it. Just venting on and on is unfair because it does take a toll on the person hearing it. That's being used by someone who just wants to vent at your expense instead of really dealing with their problems. If you were in her place (and someday you could be), what would you hope for from a friend of 12 years? That's what you need to do. Just dumping her without a chance for her to hear you're fed up and wanting to dump her makes a mockery of calling yourself a friend though. She may decide once she knows she's acting poorly to change. So please give her a chance. She may surprise you. Sometimes people just need a dose of reality. I don't mean: "You're a little annoying at times Lisa with all this complaining" and hoping she'll get the message, I mean "Lisa, you and I have been friends for 12 years and 10 of those were great times. I don't know what happened but you've really changed, you act so differently now. You're not the friend I've hung out with for years. Your negativity (be specific about what she's doing) has been constant for the last two years. Did you realize that? It hasn't been easy to hear a constant stream of complaints. Everyone goes through tough times and needs a hand but you seem stuck. I'm actually worried about you. You need to tackle those problems yourself and move on, but if you can't you might need help, more than I can offer. It's getting to the point I am starting to avoid hanging out with you just to save my own mood. But I was thinking you may not realize how you're coming across or maybe even realize how serious this problem is, it's affecting our friendship. I'm hoping you're willing to treat me the way you used to." Or something like that, maybe someone else here will have another take. Maybe you need to add this if she's acting depressed: "You sound really depressed. Depression is a medical problem when it goes on for longer than a few weeks or month. Please go to the doctor to get this checked out. I know you are asking for help when you talk with me but I am overwhelmed with all of it." If she gets mad and tells you you're being a jerk, then you've got your out free and clear. If she's in a place where what you feel doesn't matter, then there is no friendship. She may react and come back willing to change too. Either way, you've done all you can do. Wouldn't you want the same?
henna-red henna-red 4 years
It's very hard to around someone who is always negative. That can certainly sour any friendship. I wonder, though, if there is something else under your call her complaints "stupid". You haven't included any details about what is going wrong in her life, so there's no way for us to judge if her complaints are "stupid" or in some way legitimate. Something to keep in mind....people who are venting about what's going wrong are not neccessarily looking for you to fix them, or fix what is wrong in their lives....they're just looking for a sympathetic ear. That's something we all need at some point, someone to listen and empathize without judgement. That doesn't seem to be what you're giving her. I too have fallen into that mindset of always offering advice to help someone "fix" whatever they were complaining about. Constant, unasked for advice is also annoying, particularly when what you're looking for is a sympathetic listener, and emotional support. 12 years is a long time to be friends, and as bluejay says, all successful relationships require work, particularly when one of the participants is going through something difficult. But if this is a relationship that isn't working for you anymore, because someone is asking more of you than you can give, then it's probably best for you both to move on. I have to be very honest here, and say that I feel your response to her need sounds pretty negative to me....just as immature as her to do nothing but bitch.....I'm guessing you're both still pretty young, friends from childhood? If she's important to you, then you tell her that she's antagonizing you with her constant negativity....but if you can't see her complaints as anything but "stupid", then I'd say whatever "constructive advice" it is that you're offering probably isn't really, all that least not if it in the same tone that you use here. If you can't stand her driving, don't ride with her. That's one easily solved problem. The other....either you two can offer each other some understanding and honesty, or you can't and it's better to move on. good luck
bluejay17 bluejay17 4 years
Yes. I had a friend that started to annoy me very much, we had been friends for almost 12 years. All she did was spend time with her bf and when we needed her she was never there. But everytime she needed something she came rushing to us to ask for favors. That's the only time we ever saw her, when she needed something. So, I ended the friendship. It took me a lot of thinking, this was not an overnight decision. I came to realize that friendships, just like any other relationship, come to an end. They run its course if you don't work on it. How do you keep a love relationship going? You work on it, and that is the same with friendships. I grew up more than she did, and that was just the end of it. I still care for her, just not in the same way. I'd suggest you think about this. Find out if you're willing to put up with is longer or not. Try to help her find out why is she so bitter and annoyed, tell her that her behaviour is pushing you back. If she doesn't change and you can put up with her, then it's time to end. You worked for it, but she didn't. Good luck.
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