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My Friend's Break Up Is Sucking Me Dry

My Friend's Break Up Is Sucking Me Dry

Dear Sugar
One of my best friends recently broke up with her boyfriend and now she's become very dependent on me. She needs to talk to me everyday about her ex and she whines incessantly about her pain and her hatred of being single.

I don't want to sound rude or uncaring, but how much longer can I bear this? I know that break ups are difficult, and I want to be a good friend, but I am reaching my threshold for compassion.

This is becoming too much for me to handle. I'm a busy doctoral student who's already stressed everyday. I want to be there for her but at the same time, it's becoming difficult to have hour long conversations with her daily while trying to keep up with my hectic schedule. What can I do to remain a good friend while maintaining my sanity? End Of My Rope Hope

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear End Of My Rope Hope
Lend her some perspective once and for all. What she needs to understand is that things are going to get better for her as time goes on. Tell her that it's OK be sad for a period of time after a break up, but that time has come and gone. Now she must move on with her life.

Also, something to remember, is that we've all been down and out at some point over a guy and when you are in that sad, depressed, 'woe is me' mindset, you need your girlfriends. You've been there to listen, like a good friend does, but letting her whine and weep endlessly is enabling.

For the good of both of your mental health you need to politely tell her that talking to her this often is affecting your schoolwork. You are allowed to set some boundaries now that she's not in break up crisis mode anymore. If she's a good friend, she'll understand that your life is important too.

Join The Conversation
colormesticky colormesticky 10 years
*snort* "butt hurt"
nicachica nicachica 10 years
Adriana, i'm not sure her friend needs to grow up per say, i think its just the bad stages of a devastating break-up for PhD's friend. my best friend went through an incredibly tough break-up a few years ago in college and it just tore me to pieces having to listen to her day in and day out. i love her beyond belief but it was was ridiculously draining to hear her pour her heart out and try and comfort her when she would cry for hours (especially since this guy was also emotionally abusive towards her and was her first love). after about a month, i finally told her that this was beyond me and i could only help her so much. i made an appointment for her at the Student Health Center with a psychologist and went with her for emotional support. that helped a lot and it took some of the burden off of me. mind you, i was still there for her but things got a lot better after that. so yeah, try and get your friend to a therapist, if only for a few sessions. and private message me if you want to talk further PhD. good luck!
Adriana42 Adriana42 10 years
your friend needs to grow up is all i can say..
Moongal Moongal 10 years
it is just amazing what stress and do and cause
Ms_Magnificent1 Ms_Magnificent1 10 years
Girl I have been in this same situation before!!! My girlfriend would stress me out sooooo much I actually started to breakout really dermatologist told me it was because of stress. I mean I had school on my plate, a relationship of my own, and on top of it all her constant neediness. The best thing for u to do is to be straight up, tell her you are pursuing a PhD and you love her very much. However, let her know u can't talk to her for hours at a time...and she needs to put the past behind her b/cuz their will be more boyfriends in the future. If she really loves u then she will be considerate of your situation as well. Unfortunately, I wasn't so blessed and my friend was a selfish jerk...but when I finally broke off the friendship my breakouts miraciously ceased. Lol...but hopefully it all will work out for you :-)
Moongal Moongal 10 years
this really hits close to home to me. I get mentally drained by all of my brothers problems. It is on a daily basis, so i am so feelin ya. I can't take his negitivity anymore, and i need to set boundries myself. If he wants to get all butt hurt, then so be it. Cause my plate is full
sabrinaland sabrinaland 10 years
As they say, a problem shared is a problem halved. You are doing a good thing by letting your friend get everything off her chest. She is in a delicate situation and needs the support. I think it's really harsh to tell her to get over it and move on. If you've ever had your heart broken, you'll know what I mean. Most people who have gone through a major break-up are hurting really badly and can't help feeling depressed, emotional, whiny, with everything seemingly out of their control. What she is going through is normal. I suggest going to movies, plays or concerts together so that you don't necessarily have to talk to one another for 2 or 3 hours, then say you need an early night and go home after chatting for a bit after the show. That way, you'll have spent time with her, but you'll still have your sanity and still be a good friend.
4cdawgs 4cdawgs 10 years
NO one can live without boundaries.
jennifer76 jennifer76 10 years
LOL siren6, nice application!
siren6 siren6 10 years
Psst... I think it's "woe is me." Although "whoa" might work, if you're a little tipsy and greet your own blurry reflection with surprise. "Whoa - is me?" :)
jennifer76 jennifer76 10 years
This is such a tough situation, because if a friend were in a reasonable frame of mind, they would already realize how unfair they are being to you. And pointing it out can cause a full downgrade to melodrama central where everyone is abandoning poor, poor friend. But, like Dear says, you are absolutely allowed to set boundaries. And you may want to take the angle that you are worried for her. Try to tell her that she needs to work on putting the sadness out of her mind and focusing on present positives for her own good. Good luck! BTW, you're a great friend for even worrying about this. Lots of people just stop calling their friends back and try to quietly sidestep their way off into the distance.
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