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My Friends Are Going Through Hard Times

"My Friends Are a Mess — Do I Stick by Them?"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I have a lot of really nice pals, but only a select few who I enjoy talking to every week if not every day. But it seems as though, one by one, each of those good friends have been entering life scenarios that have them down in the dumps.

My one friend lost his job because of an anger problem he has. This was a month ago, and he's still being extremely curt and unfriendly toward me and all his other friends. It all culminated into a drunken night where he completely went off on me and we have yet to talk since (about one week ago). I should say that during this drunken night, he physically assaulted a girlfriend of mine, and it made me feel unsafe driving with him back home. So I called a cab for us instead of having to endure his anger. But as we were waiting for the cab he just hurled insults at us out the window of his car.


I have another friend who had to withdraw from university last year because of money issues, and despite his best efforts, cannot hold on to a job and lazes around at home all day. He's taken to selling drugs as his main source of income, which has hardened him. He was once really jovial and open to talk about anything, but now I find he is, like the last one, curt and mean. Unintentionally (I hope). I'll ask him how his day was and he either wont reply or tell me to leave him alone.

Click here for the rest of this reader's dilemma.

Then I have another friend who at the tender age of 22 is working through an alcohol addiction and trying to get his life back on track. He has a dope job, but he keeps slipping back into drinking, and as he does so, sends me really inappropriate and uncomfortable texts. Things along the line of "You're so beautiful. I could never get a girl like you, yada yada" and this happens more often than not. Sometimes if we are out and he's been drinking, he'll inappropriately grab me. It's all making our platonic friendship feel icky. So he's just taken to not talking to me anymore because he doesn't want to feel "rejected."

With the exception of the first guy in the first scenario (whose actions were kind of unforgivable, but I digress), I really am interested in maintaining friendships with these people (who happen to be all guys — which is strange — for the first time in my life my guy friends are the source of drama. Weird), but I'm not sure how since they're all going through struggles. I've tried to appeal to them with empathy, but I get blocked out or glossed over, as if none of them want to talk about their problems and would rather pretend they don't exist.

I have a low tolerance for negative energy in my life, especially from so-called friends, so I'm really at a crossroads here. Keep trying and inevitably put up with their shenanigans and meanness towards me, or give up altogether? I'm trying to stick with them through thick and thin but their collective callousness towards me is making it hard. It's especially bugging me now because I'm at a part of my life where things are going AWESOME. I'm about to graduate. My music is going well. I have opportunities to travel. It's just a very stark contrast. Advice?

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Join The Conversation
luckyduckyy luckyduckyy 4 years
I think you should get them out of your life. Their issues are bothering you, and thus becoming your issues. That's not a good thing at all, considering they have some pretty serious issues that are bringing you down too. Surround yourself with happy, positive people and you will be happy and positive. Surround yourself with miserable, negative people and you will soon become like them too. You'll be trying to fix their problems and be their savior because it pains you to see them in trouble. Don't be that person. Distance yourself from them. Let them work on their issues alone, or if they choose to continue to spiral downwards: LET THEM. They're not your responsibility.
fmminis fmminis 4 years
I think you have a high tolerance for pain...Most of your problems circle around friends who you need to either include or exclude in your life permanently or temporarily...if it's not a rush decision I'd wait until after the can be firm as needed..
henna-red henna-red 4 years
There is always drama with alcoholics/addicts. And the second friend who can't keep a job, despite his best efforts.....well, his best efforts need to get better. Look girl, people are responsible for their own lives, their own behaviors, their own choices. You have friends who don't want to do that. And it's impossible to keep up a friendship with people who don't maintain appropriate boundaries or demonstrate appropriate these friends, all three, that you describe. Weeding people out of you life doesn't mean you dislike these people, but it means that you have some respect for yourself, and hold them to the same standards of behavior that you hold yourself to. Your friend with the anger issue, needs to deal with his issue. Your friend who is too lazy to work, and is selling drugs, needs to deal with his issue. Your friend the alcoholic needs to deal with his issue. Until these guys deal with their issues, if they ever choose to, they aren't worth having in your life. Having them in your life means having their bullshit issues and behaviors in your life. Why would you want that? Maintaining friendships has to, always, be a two way street, and each of these men are walking one way, and one way only. All into self destructive places. Don't follow them. Don't invite them to bring their crap into your life. And start taking a good look into your life, to try and understand why you seem to think it's a good thing to keep these destructive personalities around you.What is it you're getting from all of this drama....because there is a payoff in there somewhere for you. You can't fix someone else's problems, or change someone else's behaviors. You can only react appropriately to whatever is being presented, and in these cases, what's being presented isn't anything that anyone needs in their lives.
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