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My Future In-Laws Hate ME

Dear Sugar
My boyfriend and I have been dating for two years. We are very happy and have been discussing the prospect of getting married. Everything is perfect, except that his parents hate me. I grew up in a different socioeconomic class and his parents have always looked down upon me and don't think I am good enough for their son.

I plan to spend the rest of my life with this man but his parents put a huge damper on our happiness. When the time comes to start planning my wedding, how much do I need to involve them? I don't even want to invite them, but I know that would ultimately hurt my boyfriend. What should I do? Hated Heather

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Hated Heather
I am sorry you are in this predicament during such a happy time in your life. How close is your boyfriend with his parents? Have you talked to him about the way they make you feel? If so, has he ever stuck up for you?

This is something that you need to discuss with your boyfriend before you get engaged. His family is a part of his life and if and when you decide to get married, you wouldn't want a black cloud over your special day. Perhaps you should try to spend some quality time with them so that you can get to know each other better. Be your wonderful self so that they can see all of the great things that your boyfriend sees in you.

Your wedding day will be a day you will remember for the rest of your life. Marriage comes with give and take and alienating your boyfriend's family will only make matters worse later down the road. Hopefully you can work on your relationship to dissipate your differences by the time the wedding bells chime.

Join The Conversation
herbiefrog herbiefrog 10 years
good for you babe to valeri
lickety-split lickety-split 10 years
lol, i don't allow my kids around those people any more than absoluty necessary. and my children know exactly what kind of people their grandparents are. dh just figured it out for himself in a couple of years ago. perhaps you don't know the story of my inlaws that some posters on here do, so here's the short story: my severely disabled daughter has not been "allowed" in their home since she was 5. on her 3rd birthday he told me to "put her in an institution for christ sake". they don't understand why their offer of paying for a baby sitter to keep her away from "celebrations" isn't an option. my fil actually said to me "why can't you get it through your head that i want my family together for christmas". that of course would mean that part of MY family is excluded. no thanks. when the family dynamics are as screwed up as they are in my case, they don't treat kindness with the same, they take advantage of it.
cubadog cubadog 10 years
I agree nica all it is going to do is put her future husband in the middle and cause even more problems. All it will do is make you look like the bitch. Rise above the pettiness and just be a good person to them!
LizaToad LizaToad 10 years
I agree with Ecann - when my bf and i first got together, his mother (who is a super controlling wolf mother) really didn't like me and said mean things to me all the time... MY MOM kept saying, send positive energy her way and try to understand where she's coming from and kill 'em with kindness! i listened to her and now my bf's mom and i are on best of terms... i talk to her more often than he does and he constantly accuses us of 'ganging up on him' :) good luck!
nicachica nicachica 10 years
sorry valeri, but i completely disagree with this because my sister has done this to a certain degree and all its done is backfire and caused much more pain and hurt than is necessary. now she's doing the "kill em with kindness" approach with her in-laws and things are working out much better. i don't wanna go into details, but i can see that causing more animosity is not good for the kids and they'll grow up in a very emotionally hostile and unhealthy environment when they need loving support from everyone around them. thankfully, that's what they're getting now.
nicachica nicachica 10 years
an eye for an eye makes the world blind...
lickety-split lickety-split 10 years
not thinking along the kindness lines. you need to play on their field which means you have to have something they want. it could be an invitation to your wedding, access to your future grandchildren, access to their son. doesn't matter really as long as YOU control it. this is going to be a long drawn out issue unless you establish control early on. what do you need them for? seriously, why do they need to be in your lives? do they provide income, company, emotional support? you and your future husband are a team and they are his parents. trust me when i tell you that you have more power and say in the way the boundary lines are drawn now than you will later on. if they are rude call them on it. a simple "i believe i'm being spoken to rudely. is there something you need to discuss with us?" and a glance to your husband-to-be will let them know that you aren't putting up with any crap. if you call and they don't call back then don't call them next time. YOU have their son and possibly their future grandchildren. what do they have that you need? my guess is nothing. when you remind them of that they will back off and at least treat you with respect. plan YOUR wedding as you feel comfortable. if they complain that they aren't being included (my guess is that it will come through dhtb) tell him to have her call you and let you know how she wants to be involved. never forget that she has this opinion of you. no matter how friendly and nice she appears to be it will take years for her to come around. unfortunately you won't be able to let your guard down for a long while. if it gets really bad try moving away. meddling in laws are one of the top 4 reasons for divorce. best of luck to you two in your future life together.
Imabeliever Imabeliever 10 years
unfortuantly if you marry the marry the family. Also stay nice and coordial until they feel like an ass for not liking you. :)
bluejeanie bluejeanie 10 years
i agree with you, killing them with kindness is the only way to go. being rude back isn't going to help the situation and is going to make your man uncomfortable. give them no reason to hate you.
EcannDallas EcannDallas 10 years
as someone who has been in this situation before, i have the "kill em with kindness" attitude. even if i feel like shaking them and telling them to stick it somewhere, im always pleasant and invite them to get togethers or functions. that way, they really have NO REAL legitimate reason for their dislike. Your boyfriend my feel torn, and if he sees that you can deal with this you just might be the girl for him! One day, hopefully they will realize how much they are missing out on and what a great girl youve been to them.
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