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My Girlfriend Wants Me to Break up With My Boyfriend

Dear Sugar--

My former best friend and her then-boyfriend set me up with my current boyfriend of over a year. They have since broken up, and she is now hinting that I should break up with my boyfriend, "so we can be there for each other again."

To be honest, I would rather break up with her! I've been trying to distance myself over the past several months due to fights we've had and severe differences of opinion. She's always thought of us as "sisters," being an only child whom the world revolved around. I already have one actual sister, and that's enough for me.

She somehow thinks that my boyfriend is the one who's come between us, and doesn't realize that she's the one instead. She's one of those who can be infinitely critical of everyone else, but freaks out as soon as someone calls her out on it and turns the tables, taking things much too seriously. She's also afraid of change--I have moved to a larger city and am beginning my career, while she still lives in our old college town.

So should I just ignore her childish whining, as I have for years, or should I say something to her about it? What should I say? I'm terrible at confrontation. I always knew she was going to try to hint about this matter, but I'm amazed it took her this long. I wonder if it's even worth the effort. The only contact we've had in months is a couple of messages on MySpace. I'm just so angry that she would actually dare to go there, you know?

Thanks for any and all help.

--Tired-of-Dealing Denise

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Tired-of-Dealing Denise--

It sounds like your friend is pretty needy and selfish - not a great combo in a close friend. The only reason she wants you to break up with your boyfriend is because she's lonely and upset and wants you to feel the same way -- misery loves company. Sometimes friendships go in waves but it sounds like the distance between you two isn't making things any better.

If you want to mend your friendship with her, I would definitely talk to her about how you feel. Since you were great friends a while back, you owe it to her and yourself to talk out your differences. Tell her how angry you are that she would even suggest that you break up with your boyfriend who makes you happy just to spend time with her -- you shouldn't have to choose between the two of them. Maybe you could suggest planning a girls' night out, or a day of shopping together so feels included in your life.

If what she's said and done is way too much for you to ever let go, and you don't want to be friends, you've got to be honest and tell her that too. Confrontation is always tough, especially between people who have a history like you two do but you will feel a huge weight lifted off your shoulders after getting all of your feelings off your chest. Good luck Denise.


Join The Conversation
Jinx Jinx 10 years
"be there for each other" ? She means she wants you there for her. You are doing okay. Tell her you're happy with your boyfriend, thanks anyways. :) Cut and dried. ------------------------------------------------------ "I think she's a fantastic actress and I think she's just brilliant in this movie. She moved me to pieces. Basically, she's a nice girl, but she was late a few times." -Jane Fonda on LL
vmruby vmruby 10 years
A true friend would never ask another friend to do something so outrageous. Seriously she needs to get a life and stay out of yours.
Daisy6264 Daisy6264 10 years
I agree with DearSugar.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 10 years
I have noticed a theme lately of people not liking their friends and not really knowing how to drop them. Life is short! Spend time with people you actually like! And more importantly, people want friends who genuinely like them, not who stick with them out of some desire to be non-confrontational. I'm not suggesting you call her and terminate the friendship - it sounds like it's dying a natural death anyway - but you should certainly stand up to her ridiculous request that you break up so you can be there for each other like the old days. Please. That might be the lamest thing I have ever heard. Although, I suppose it means she's sad and lonely and misses you and doesn't express it well. Maybe you should just talk to her after all. But if she continues to suck just end the friendship.
honey31 honey31 10 years
She is not a friend if she is asking you to dump you re boyfriend!If you don't want her friendship than you need to tell her how you feel.
boxem180 boxem180 10 years
I went through a very similar situation and Dear is right on the money. You have to be honest with her and make yourself happy before you try to make her happy. Ten to one, you can't make her happy unless you do what she wants and you shouldn't break up with your boyfriend just to make her happy. That's ridiculous and a real friend would not ask that of you *ever*. You need to tell her the truth and after that, if she doesn't change, drop her because she's not going to let you be happy.
pinupsweetheart pinupsweetheart 10 years
Wow that is a tough one. A good friend will not try to wedge herself between you and your boyfriend. It was not your fault that her relationship with her boyfriend went sour. However, you can see she is lonely and scared to get back into the dating world. I agree with DearSugar, misery loves company. If you want to save your friendship, be honest with her. If you do not, being so far away with a new career can be the way to slowly phase her out and keep her as an acquaintance.
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