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My Roommate Left me in the Lurch

Dear Sugar--
Things between my roommate and I have been pretty tense lately since she backed out on our future living situation. We were hunting for apartments for a month and then out of left field, she shocked me by saying she is planning on moving back home. This really angered me because now I am stuck looking for a 1 bedroom while I could have signed a lease months ago with another friend had I not been on a wild goose chase with my current roommate.

Yesterday, I accidentally logged on to her facebook account (her comp saves passwords) and then I'll admit it, I read one of her messages. It turns out that she is not moving home, but looking for an apartment with a coworker. I am furious now because we are supposed to be best friends and lately all she has been doing is lying to me. I haven't told her what I know and how I know and my anger is just getting worse by the second. The problem is how can you confront someone when you weren't supposed to read the message in the first place? --Snooping Sophie

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Snooping Sophie--
I am sorry your roommate left you in the lurch and I can completely understand your frustration with her. While you did invade your roommate's privacy, if you want to confront her you're going to have to come clean about your snooping. Your anger is bound to affect your friendship so the sooner you get everything off your chest the better, although be prepared to suffer the consequences of your actions.

Living with friends can get hairy sometimes, especially when one person wants to move on, so I suggest sitting her down and having a heart to heart. Honesty is the best policy, so hash everything out before your friendship becomes affected. While you are jumping to conclusions and taking her decision to live with another friend personally, you don't know the facts. Is your roommate having monetary problems? Could this new living situation be much cheaper than what she pays now? Is it closer to her work place, etc.?

It sounds as though your roommate was uncomfortable telling you the truth because she was afraid of hurting your feelings, so instead she went behind your back which is in turn making matters worse. Be the bigger person; let her know you are aware of what's going on and that you would have appreciated her honesty. Hopefully once all the facts are on the table, you can enjoy the remaining time together as roommates and get excited for your new relationships as friends versus roommates in the future. You never know, living apart could turn out to be a great new chapter in your life.


Join The Conversation
gossipqueen gossipqueen 10 years
maybe she just wants out of the friendship but doesn't know how to say it...or didn't know how to tell you she didn't want to live with you. Just be prepared if you actually confront her that she might not care about all the things she put you which case vent and move on..maybe you're better off without her. good luck!
thegirlisblue thegirlisblue 10 years
Ah, I'm so sorry this happened to you... I've had similar things happen in the past where friends mislead you about living situations. I've managed to recover with one of my friends, but it did take a pretty big fight and some space after we hashed everything out.
Liss1 Liss1 10 years
Did she think you weren't going going to notice she wasn't living at home when you went to visit her? You are better off, I learned that hard way that living with friends and siblings is a bad idea. They tend to take advantage of you. Good luck with the apartment hunt.
AshNik AshNik 10 years
Tell her that you read the letter on facebook, and that you dont appreciate the lying. Also, tell her that she should have felt like she can tell tou anything(including the plans to move out) if she is a true best friend Nikki
pinupsweetheart pinupsweetheart 10 years
DEARSUGAR I could not have said it better myself! You do need to talk to her or your friendship will only get more tense and uncomfortable. Good Luck!
cubadog cubadog 10 years
You need to tell her what happened when you were using her computer. I do have to say what an idiot for setting her computer up to save passwords especially when others can use it. I started to do that at one time then completely changed my mind for this reason. Anyway, let her know how hurt and angry you are that she feels she couldn't be upfront about wanting to move in with someone and make sure you apologize for being nosey!
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 10 years
Definitely fess up - you will not be able to get rid of the anger until you talk to her. Honestly, I think this will be a good thing. I know plenty of friendships that have not survived being roommates.
ilove2ski ilove2ski 10 years
Just ask her about. Tell her what happened, and tell her you would have appreciated it if she would have just been honest with you. ..If you see us in the club we'll be acting real nice if you see us on the floor you'll be watchin all night..
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