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My boyfriend Can't Get It Up

My boyfriend Can't Get It Up

Dear Sugar
I have a very embarrassing problem regarding my boyfriend. We have been in a bit of a dry spell lately because he can't seem to get it up! This problem practically happened overnight and I am very concerned; he is only 23 years old.

I am worried that my boyfriend has stopped desiring me. He always tells me how beautiful I am and how attracted to me he is. I don't know what it could be. Is he cheating on me or could he have some kind of heath problem? Chastised Chastity

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Chastised Chastity
I am sorry you and your boyfriend are struggling with this problem. Erectile dysfunction is more common than you would think and most of the time has nothing to do with how attracted a man is to a woman. As many as 15 million men in America are affected by this, however, it still seems to be rather taboo since it's so embarrassing.

How often is this happening to your boyfriend? If this has happened once or twice, I would not be worried as anxiety and nervousness can play a big part in a man's arousal. If it's been happening frequently, maybe you can suggest that he see his doctor or visit a free clinic with you.

There are several factors that could be playing a part in your boyfriend's problem. Does he smoke, take drugs, is he diabetic or is he on any medication? Alcoholism can cause damage to the testicles and affect your level of testosterone and cigarette smoke is proven to lower the amount of blood flow to the penis therefore making it difficult to become erect. Many prescription drugs could also have similar or more severe sexually related side effects.

As a first try, I would just completely walk away from the subject as the stress could be causing performance anxiety which might be making the problem worse. Try to be understanding, as you would only hope he would be if the problem were reversed. If he still can't seem to get an erection then I would have him see his doctor. Hang in there and good luck.

Join The Conversation
getstinko getstinko 10 years
rkrub - what I meant was "he may just not be into her". Most healthy men will get a hardon very easily. That said, men and women both have the wonderful ability to lose sexual interest in their partners over time. It can either be a bump resolved by communication or a more critical issue.
hammer04 hammer04 10 years
I had a similar situation with the wood problems. Progressivly got worst for over a month and then eventualy had pain in urinating. Went to the doc and it came back as E-Coli poisioning eventualy, they knew off the start it was a urinary infection, but final tests came back as E-Coli poisioning. Bottom line, it could be anything, he should see a doc pronto.
LizaToad LizaToad 10 years
i had a bf that had this problem for a little while. it wasn't caused by masterbation or porn... he went to the doc and it turned out that whenever he had a cold, or flu, this would happen. so i would really focus on communication and not jump to any horrible conclusions right away.
rkdub rkdub 10 years
Honestly, I disagree with getstinko. Men do NOT "lose interest" in women.... seriously, do you ever know a man who can't get aroused by pretty much anything? Men are visual creatures meaning if you are naked, they are going to be into it. But, with that being said, he may be stressed about pleasing you or maybe he feels like he is inadequate or that you aren't into HIM.... that kind of stress can EASILY cause performance anxiety and while it is easy to voice these concerns, it can be WORSE to talk about them. By mentioning that you think there is something wrong, etc you reaffirm his potential fears. I think it would be better for you to just be there for him, focus on increasing communication, and then see what happens. If he thinks that you are happy with him and everything is all good, the problem may disappear on its own. If it doesn't, let him deal with it with the dr on his own. By making it your issue you could easily hurt his feelings, and if it wasn't an emotional issue before, it is now! Just be careful no matter what you do, this could really be a damaging issue....
SevenOver SevenOver 10 years
I'd like to reiterate what t0xxic said, as I believe she is the first to mention hormonal issues. My husband and I had this problem as well, and I went through a horrible time thinking it was me and he just didn't want me anymore. He insisted that wasn't it and voluntarily sought out a doctor's counsel (which is not easy for men to do regarding this issue!). Turned out, he had an extremely, EXTREMELY low testosterone level due to some medical issues. Once we got that squared away (with testosterone injections), my man is as good as new!
t0xxic t0xxic 10 years
It could be a hormonal problem as well as enviromental issue.
getstinko getstinko 10 years
You need to determine if this is based on an illness or physical issue. If it is not this or over masturbation (and yes that happens) than he has lost interest in you. How long have you been together? If it is less than 1 year, you need to be worried. a guy should be ready to sex you anytime he can in the first year - after that it can slow down. that said, if he can't get it up even after multiple attempts to get him active - it's either a physical issue or just no interest in you.
honey31 honey31 10 years
Lol cravin!Men nedd to slow down on the masterbation so they can give some loving to their honeys grrr!
cravinsugar cravinsugar 10 years
My boyf has this problem in the mornings. he may wake up with morning wood, but if we try to have sex, hello kindling! I'm all in.
t0xxic t0xxic 10 years
Men masturbating and porn suck! Ive been down the so called porn addiction route but thank god it was solved.. When hubby and I were dating we had a prob like this... stress combined with the fact that we had sex way to much led to this either he couldnt keep up or I couldnt stay ermm wet. We backed off and focused on more emotional things got closer and the problem lifted once stress wasnt a factor. Life can really affect ur sex life. Try talking to him more an getting him to get things off his chest it could be stress and him not wanting to put his burdens on u. Knowing ur there for him in more ways will bring you closer and make it better then ever GL! (the dr things good to if it does persist and you know theres nothign else going on)
honey31 honey31 10 years
Jenintx u must of been fuming mad with him I know I would be Id be saying see ya!
jenintx jenintx 10 years
I also had a similar problem with an ex...actually, eerily similar to Lindsb's situation. Everything was great and then one day, out of no where, he just stopped being able to perform. And like Lindsb's ex, it turned out that he had not only a masterbation addiction, but a porn addiction as well. Not saying that's the case this time, but I really think the addiction thing is more of an issue than most people realize. Just don't let it get to you. And if possible, see if he'll open up to you about it. Communication is key. Otherwise, it may cause huge problems in your relationship.
honey31 honey31 10 years
Good advice lindsb!How awful for you lin for what u had to deal with your hubby that's bad!
snixy30 snixy30 10 years
I love the banana pic with this topic..Nice!! :P
Lindsb Lindsb 10 years
What's important is to not feel like it's you!! This happened to me with an old boyfriend. It came out of nowhere! It made me feel undesirable and unattractive, when the problem actually had nothing to do with me. My ex had a serious masturbating addiction that he hid from me. I once caught him lying on the bathroom floor masturbating while I was in the next room watching television!! It was awful!! We actually ended up breaking up because he couldn't break the addiction (up to 4 times a day). It caused too much stress on our sexual relationship. I imagine my situation is a rare case and this probably isn't the problem with your boyfriend.. but, hang in there!!
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