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Nervous About Moving in Together With Boyfriend

Group Therapy: Moving in Together and I Am Afraid of Showing My True Self

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I have been with my boyfriend for over four years and we are very much in love. We live close by and we always spend weekends together. He is a great guy and I have no complaints about him. Recently we've been talking about moving in together, and we decided he would move in with me next month before we save up and purchase a house together. Now I am worried that spending every day together, I am forced to show my true self now, including my eating habit. My boyfriend is a very slim guy and I am a bit round. I enjoy food and I do have some cravings (cake, ice-cream, cookies etc). He, on the other hand, is not a sweet tooth and does not eat much. I am worried that after we live together, he would find out how much I eat and start judging me.

Has anyone had similar issues? I'd really like some suggestions.

Thank you

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Lucky17 Lucky17 6 years
hun, he known you for 4 years. if he is not 100% idiot he knows that you do eat and he is OK with it. I would wait with purchasing a house though, if you are worried about living together and want to take time to build confidence in this relationship - may be it is better to rent for a few first months?
starbucks2 starbucks2 6 years
She didn't even say anything about marriage. I know it's hard to believe, but not every girl dreams about dragging the next best guy to altar... Here in Germany, I don't know anybody who didn't live together before getting married. People would laugh at you if you married somebody you didn't really know! And you never know someone until you have lived together! He won't care that you eat unhealthy stuff! Guys usually aren't that judgemental!
egyptianmusk egyptianmusk 6 years
This is the OP - Thank you all so much for your kind and honest suggestions and advice. I really appreciate them all. I like to hear different opinions even though I don't agree with them all, it is still refreshing to hear a different voice. Like some of you suggest - I am going to do a little testing on getting an ice-cream or ordering a dessert in a restaurant in front of my BF, and see how he reacts. I think it's a great idea. I think I might have some self-esteem issues that I need to tackle as some of you say. True. I have a hard time accepting that part of me, the eating-sweets part of me, and I feel very guilty every time I eat junk food. I need to learn how to practise a healthy life-style while allowing myself to have treats some times without guilt. It is something I need to work on. About moving-in together, whether agreeing with it or not, I appreciate all your honest thoughts on this. I guess it really depends on how each individual feels about their relationship. To us, I know we are both committed.We decided to live together because we like to be around each other and we'd love to spend more time together. Whether it'd work or not, we'll see what happens. Bottom line is that we are committed to work on any issues that will come up. :) Thanks all again.
atraditionalist atraditionalist 6 years
I wouldn't move in wtih someone before marriage because of my habits! Who wants to have to give those up before a commitment has been signed. Anyways, it can never hurt to eat healthy. But ice cream and sweets now and then doesn't hurt either. Just view those things as "dessert" which you have after dinner not before dinner or for breakfast or with lunch or as a snack. That being said if you are truly bingeing on these items you will need to contact a professional for help. The problem is much deeper than just being ashamed of your bf seeing you aren't a total health nut. I like Helen Danger's idea of ordering dessert after dinner before you move in.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 6 years
Your eating habit is the only thing you're concerned about? :D Imagine having to share a bathroom with a guy, or you accidentally farting while you're sleeping or snoring or etc (I can think of more gross stuffs but not going into it). Yep :) My husband finds it 'cute' that I can out-eat him any day and he's twice my size. I think guys have different way of viewing things in general. Like Helen says, if you always come across as this 'health-freak' in front of him, perhaps you do need to stop by an ice cream shop with him and get a large size, and get one that's not 'health-brand' so he'll get the hint that you're not always that way. If anything, he'll probably feel relieved to know you're not too 'health-oriented' because he can get away eating that 2 bags of potato chips (perhaps). But like another poster also says, if you think you have a bingeing problem perhaps you need to address it (for your self), other than that, stop worrying too much :) Good luck.
JennyJK JennyJK 6 years
I don't mean this to be mean, but if like you say, you are more "round" than him, then dude, he already knows you eat a lot. It's not a mystery. And he obviously doesn't think it's a problem and loves you how you are. He's not going to be disgusted if you eat a bunch of ice cream and cookies on the couch after work. Everyone does that to some degree, definitely don't worry about that. Also, if this is the biggest issue you have, your relationship sounds awesome, good for you, and good luck to you.
mixedpie mixedpie 6 years
@Anonymous People are getting defensive because the comment comes across as "if you l live together, your relationship has no hope", which not only isn't true (and everyone who has lived with their significant other unmarried before has heard it enough times to make heads explode), but it's also not very helpful to the OP. It's clear she's already made the decision to move in with her boyfriend, telling her her relationship isn't going to work out isn't very helpful for learning how to make it work out by overcoming self-consciousness. @OP: I don't think you should really worry, he loves you and wants to be with you and if he expect you to be flawless when you live together then he has some pretty unrealistic expectations. Maybe you could try to take him grocery shopping with you, and buy about as many sweets as you would normally and see how he reacts? If he's concerned, tell him about your sweet tooth.
searching-soul searching-soul 6 years
I get where RJ's Baby is coming from. Also I get where Pax4Pax is coming from about the statistics part, which is true also. I had the same reservations before moving in with my boyfriend because of those same statistics. We're still going strong though, which proves that people are more than statistics. The divorce rate is high, as well as the rate of infidelity within marriage. Therefore, marital commitment means very little to quite a few people. It's all about what works for the two individuals involved and it's really no one's business.
searching-soul searching-soul 6 years
Sounds like he loves you just the way you are. After four years of being together and you said you are not as slim as him, I think he has figured out you have a healthy appetite. Do what Helen said and order the big ice-cream. Just don't order it every night. Lol I think you are being too hard on yourself. Also I'm sure some of his healthier eating habits will rub off on you and you guys can have fun working out together, too.
Rjs-baby-girl Rjs-baby-girl 6 years
Now to the OP, I think that if you are afraid your boyfriend will judge you or you are scared of him knowing the real you, it's because there is something you find wrong yourself with your eating habits and you don't accept it. If you thought there was nothing wrong with indulging from time to time, in 4 years he'd know already. I think you guys should work on improving your communication skills and you should work on accepting yourself. There's nothing wrong with having a sweet tooth, as long as you don't feed yourself only from those foods. In your post you say that you go to the gym and eat more healthy when you are out, so I don't think you have that kind of problem. Don't be ashamed of yourself and eat what you want in moderation. For the living together to work, you guys will have to talk about everything and you probably will find out stuff about him that you didn't know, too.
Rjs-baby-girl Rjs-baby-girl 6 years
To pax4pax, I would be very curious to know the exact statistics you are talking about regarding non-married couples who live together. Before making those statements, maybe you should back them up with the real source. I'm from Canada, Québec to be precise, and in Canada 32% of couples who live together are not married (2006 statistics). That % is even higher in Québec. Simply because people don't wanna get married or don't believe in marriage doesn't mean their relationship is bound to fail. Marriage is not the only way of being happy in a relationship. There are as many possibilities as there are people and as long as they are happy, I think we shouldn't judge them. Your comments often come off judgmental for people who have sex without being married or live together without being married. People can still be very committed and have children without being married. I'm sorry for this but I've been reading those pax4pax type comments for a while now and I had to say something.
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 6 years
Next time you go out to dinner, order a big ice cream for dessert. When he acts surprised, tell him what's going on. It sounds like he's made some assumptions about your eating habits. And you didn't correct him at the time. Neither one of you is horribly wrong here. I also don't think this has much to do with moving in. Except for the fact that you feel more motivated to come clean before that happens. Take the risk and let him know what you're really like. If his love were so flimsy that it couldn't accommodate you eating sweets or being otherwise human, it'd be better to know that now than later.
motoco motoco 6 years
I have a bigger issue than the food issue. Although I am a former bulimic. I can speak from experience from both perspectives. I dated my boyfriend 1 year before we decided to move in together and buy a house. He at that point had a 19 year old son that lived with us. It was such a loan that the hosue was in his name. I was a bit "dense" in that I had no protection even though my money was going into the house as well because my name was not on the home. Don't worry because "Mark" will let you live here if something happens to me. (Yeah, right). But, duh, okay...says me. We continued living there together for another 3 years. Cooking, cleaning and a bed partner. Marriage was an issue. Not that he did not love me. When I asked him he replied that he was content. You know the story "Why by the cow when the milk is free." However in the late 4th year we did get engaged and got married. He now replies he is happy. We own a different home and we have been together for 16 years and all is calm and lovely. But would I do it all over again? No. I would never live with another man prior to marriage. And I understand and have seen that most relationships that live together prior to marriage do not work out. As I understand they normally continue to live as separate entities in the same 1/2 the rent, 1/2 the groceries. The one thing we did right was combine money and all that. Like we were married. I am just telling you from experience. Also, I have hidden food. Under the bed, in drawers...etc. I have gained weight since my Dad died of cancer. But my husband has been more supportive. I think I have hit the husband jackpot. Now this is a 2nd marriage for me (and him as well). And I am not trying to preach. Obviously I have been in your shoes somewhat. And I would not do the samething over again. Not that I don't love my husband. It was a hurtful time. I could not understand why a man would live with me and say he loves me not want to marry me. That is beyond hurtful. And he was not forced into marriage. He did realize I was not going to leave him and that was his biggest fear. And when he realized I was going to be by his side then he was ready. But I would not recommend being a non-paid housekeeper, personal shopper or prostitute. I would have been a spoiled girlfriend in my own house. And it if did not work out then NEXT....
jocupcake jocupcake 6 years
Pax4pax, you know people have different views on marriage and relationships. It's pretty low to suggest that the OP's relationship is not going to work because she's not doing it a certain way. Those statistics you mention do not take a ton of other factors into account like age, education, the growing number of people that live together, never get married, but stay together for life, etc. Also, newer studies directly refute what you say about cohabitation: My point is that we are not statistics and studies find correlations that aren't true all the time. It's unfair to lecture someone on the way they want to live their personal life and it's silly to say that something is right or wrong just because "the statistics" said so. BTW, EgyptianMusk, I kind of read your post wrong the first time! I thought you were saying you had some kind of secret binge eating habit! I think everyone tries to cover up their imperfections a little bit but having a craving for sweets is pretty normal. I think as long as you don't go from being a total health nut to suddenly stuffing your face with cookies, you'll be ok. I agree that easing him into it (or just talking about it) is a good idea.
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 6 years
Egyptian Musk, The time has come for the two of you to sit down and talk about all the aspects of this issue. (If you need, I have some communication techniques that might help.) I say just go for it and talk to him about it. What do you think?
pax4pax pax4pax 6 years
Moving in together is not a good way to build a lifetime relationship, unless, that's not what you want. Statistics show that those who live together before marriage divorce/separate more than those that do not. I think it's because, with just living together, there is no commitment, no reason to sacrifice. So, if your roommate doesn't like what you eat, he moves out -- what could you say? But, in regard to your relationship, if you worry about what his finding out what you eat, then you already don't have enough trust and feeling of security to warrant such a significant step. Build a real relationship, based on commitment and honor, and not just sex and movies, until you have enough confidence that he will be with you through thick and thin (sorry for the pun),
egyptianmusk egyptianmusk 6 years
Thank you both. It is really helpful :) To Joe: I would say we communicate fairly well on other issues, and he is certainly not emotionally unavailable. I believe if I speak to him in a loving way, like you said, he is willing to listen. It's just I guess I tried to maintain a healthy image of myself over the years -- eating healthy, going to the gym regularly and taking care of myself. One time my boyfriend was having some ice-cream by himself, which happens rarely, and I asked him "how come you didn't offer me some?" "I thought you don't like eating it because it is not good for you." That's the moment when I realize that I make him believe that I don't eat crap, which is not true. I guess I'll just ease him in first, and then gradually show him that I am only human and I have my weakness.
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 6 years
OP, You have to bring up the subject in a kind, tender way. You have to find out if he really is going to be judgemental about this. Heck, he might even be compassionalte and helpful about this. But you will never know until you try to find out. How well do the two of you communicae on other issues? (Is he 'emotionally unavailable'?)
jocupcake jocupcake 6 years
Do you love him? Do you really want something silly like worrying about your eating habits to keep you from moving forward in your relationship? Don't stress about this. If anything, it's probably good thing for you to be around your boyfriend if he has some healthier habits.
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