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Nervous That My Boyfriend Is Going Out Without Me

Group Therapy: Is My BF Hiding Something?

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

My boyfriend has recently finished his last year of a stressful university degree, and along with his fellow students, been taking several nights out to celebrate. I would have no issue with this, except for the fact that lately one female friend of his who also graduated has been texting him out of the blue. They have never been in contact previously to my knowledge, but now they are texting fairly frequently about issues other than school, including family problems etc. My relationship with my boyfriend of two years has always been great, but over the last year there have been several things that are leading me to doubt his long term commitment to me, and this texting issue is one of them. (There has been a texting issue in the past where a friend of his sent semi-naked pics of herself to him, which he kept on his phone.)

Now when he is invited out by his school mates, he will not invite me to come along with them to the local bar and have a few drinks because "no one else's partners are coming and it would be too weird." I hear this and suspect that he doesn't want me there so he can talk to his lady friend without feeling that my eyes are watching the two of them . . .yes, paranoia! I do feel quite jealous and unsettled, but he knows that I want to be included and party to celebrate with him, and doesn't care. When I try to discuss it with him he shuts down completely and refuses to talk about it, getting angry at me. Do you think he is hiding something, or is he just letting his hair down and celebrating with his friends? And how do I get over this when I am so paranoid? HELP!!

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GZO GZO 5 years
Please do not follow him wearing a disguise. That is too "I Love Lucy" for real life, and, unlike Ricky and Fred, your boyfriend will be able to recognize his Lucy and her pal Ethel. Communication is key. If he isn't open to listening to you, then there you have it. You need someone who will respect your feelings and who you can trust completely. Give him a few weeks without you... he will either come back to you because he truly cares about you and wants you in his life, or you'll find out that he's been hooking up with the girl from the moment you walked out the door.
ChrissyLee ChrissyLee 5 years
There is something strange going on here, if it feels weird to you then it is. The fact that he never invites you should be a red flag. It would be one thing if he went out once, but since this is happening a few times a week he should want to have you there to interact with the people he calls friends. A man who segments his life and doesn't involve his girlfriend in all aspects is not being trustworthy. If he won't start being more open with you and realizing that he's doing things to hurt you it's time to move on. If you can make him see how he's being wrong and he changes then maybe there is hope. Good luck
jenjen82 jenjen82 5 years
It sounds like he is! Trust your instincts with this. His excuses for not inviting you are total BS! If it were me I would let him go out without you, but then follow him there in a disguise. Also is there any friends you have who have never met him? I would recruit a friend to go to the bar on your mission and get nearby his group to spy. Did I get this idea from many movies, yes. But I think in this case it's worth it to actually do!!
lcrox07 lcrox07 5 years
I also left a 6 year relationship because of this. After being naive for so long I finally found out all his lies. I'm not saying this is the case, but there is a reason he really doesn't want to have you around. Stick it out for a little, see if this continues. But the reason your paranoid is cause you are snooping around too much. You wouldn't want his snopping through your stuff either. You are both human, and not married. But yes, if he worked hard for this degree he would want the people he loves around. I totally agree.
Mandana85 Mandana85 5 years
Pax4Pax what's wrong with you? Do you believe in anything other than marriage? why do you always push people towards the thought that they're being used for sex? you think married people can't cheat? and If, (and only if) this girl's BF is really cheating on her, does that mean that she means nothing to her and he was just "using" her?
njau njau 5 years
I believe in any relationship, if you are needing to "once again" talk about an issue that is bothering you, your significant other should be open to the fact. Like above, you do need to have one more talk about this relationship so that you don't turn yourself into one obsessed lady. If he does shut down and refuses to talk, then you already have your answer (an ultimatum if you will) and you have your choices laid out for you - leave, or stay knowingly that he's interested in other. I also second the notion from someone's post that, graduating a very hard degree is worth celebrating with people that you love. I get wanting to have some alone time with your peers but it shouldn't be EVERY SINGLE TIME, he should want and allow you to come out with him on some of those occasions. I think if he is so adamant that you can't, then with that you also have your answer as he shouldn't have anything to hide from you and it does sound like he does.
mnp mnp 5 years
I agree with henna red and gdeeaz on this. Maybe he just wants to hang out with his classmates? However, I would talk to him about this (yes, again) before you get anymore paranoid. (I'd totally go insane, too.) Maybe you'll get your answer? It's tough because it seems harmless but we won't know until you get more concrete signs. But if you're not getting your answer, maybe time away is good.
pax4pax pax4pax 5 years
With that girl being at the events you can't attend, it's not a boys only, so, sounds like he has used you while he got his education done, as a cheap option while in school, and now he is looking for a better model. Go ahead and pack up, beat him to asking you to do so, or just cheating you out of the relationship.
henna-red henna-red 5 years
It's possible he just wants to hang with the boys. It's also possible he's hiding something. If you have a stong, healthy relationship, and he's avoiding celebrating an important event in his life with you, then i'd say there is a problem. Trust your instincts. I've heard it said that partners generally know when their significant other is not faithful. sounds like you are getting those signals. I think I would give him some room and some time,(you said it was a stressful time, this last year and he may just need to talk about things he has i common with the guys who went thru the same thing),but if the getting angry and not comunicating continues, it's time for some serious reconsideration. Best of luck, and blessed be.
passion8 passion8 5 years
I left a relationship because of something similar to this issue but it led up to an affair, i left because i would express my fears and then ask what can i do to help you to help me be more reasured or what can i do to help you to help me be more confident in the relationship by setting up weekly dates nites or game nites with your friends coming over for nachos,beer and games and if he still shuts down or ignores your request after changing the approach i think it is a clear sign he is not interested in securing a long term relationship with you.
Gdeeaz Gdeeaz 5 years
Since they no longer see each other at school they probably text about things they would normally discuss between classes. How long has it been going on? If it's only been for a week or so I would chalk it up to him just hanging out with his classmates and having fun. Whenever I finish a semester of school I go out with my classmates a few times and just celebrate getting through another semester. And to be honest, I wouldn't bring my boyfriend either if it was only classmates.
coffeemanic coffeemanic 5 years
I should also add that when this girl calls him, he finishes the convrsation with "look forward to seeing you soon" and they are always both at these drinking events together.
rmlaporta rmlaporta 5 years
tell him straight out that your trusting but you are paranoid and that you want to know the truth, if you don't straight out accuse him and let your faults out before pointing out his it might work.
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