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Normal to Fantasize About Other Men

Group Therapy: Is It Normal For a Married Woman to Fantasize About Other Men?

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

If you are a married woman, do you ever find yourself fantasizing about what it would be like to sleep with another man?

I am newly married to an attractive, successful man whom I love very much. So why do I find myself getting turned on by the idea of sleeping with other men?


I work in a massive office building, and there is this one guy in particular who really is setting the scene for my daydreams. I don't even know him other than in passing by, but he is so attractive, and I can't help but imagine what it would be like to have a torrid sexy affair with him in secret — at his place, in hotel rooms, cars, etc. I get so turned on thinking about it.

I have never pursued him or even given him any idea that I'm so turned on by him, but he is playing on my mind a lot and I've even had a couple dreams with him in them. Obviously it's just a sexual thing; and nothing more, but it's still a super powerful feeling that I've never really had before. I think it must be the mystery of it all, because again, I don't even know the guy. He has blonde hair, blue eyes, super tall, masculine body and my husband has the same build but with brown hair, olive skin tone and green eyes; both are so super attractive. I'm just worried because if I'm so turned on by another guy this early in my marriage, what does the future hold? Again, I have never acted on any of these urges, or even come close to cheating on my husband even before we were married, but I'm still a little concerned because I don't want it to ever get to that point.

I guess what I'm trying to ask, is this normal and has anyone else ever had the same types of feelings?

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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Diamodheart Diamodheart 5 years
Hi dear, I was really inspired by what Harley Quinn said. I'm 34 my boyfriend is 57. I fought the whole world to keep our relation, but the problem is that I'm scared of the age thing- we've been together for 7 years now- and I really can do nothing to break his heart... I love him and admire him loads. He's handsome, highly educated (PHd), and adores me physically. But the problem is that he likes me to act (and say things during intercourse) as if I'm married to another man and cheating on my husband with him (my boyfriend!!!!). First I was so disturbed and annoyed by the idea, then I started enjoying it! Now I'm losing some interest in sex with him although he tries to please me and our sex takes usually longer than an hour. And the last time we had sex I was aroused at 'slightly' fantacizing his frined (50 years old). We rarely see this friend and I avoid being too nice or informal to him, but still, I won't be happy if my bf fantacizes another woman in bed while making love to me... So I beleive it's not moral to do this again, even through fantasy. I'll try to find out what's making me lose interest in sex and I'll work with forementioned Harley Quinn's advice: " For example being attracted to a sweet guy. Who normal would not be my type and certainly is not my husband's general nature. So I ask my husband for a little more romance. I get the sweet movie nights. Other attraction goes away. like craving sugar and eating a chocolate bar. " Thanks Harley, I think I could try acting with him (with him knowing) imaginary characters... (fantacizing beinng total strangers for example) a senario for a very short hot story knitted by our mindes, as one try to revive my sexual desire. and thi sfor sure can be an applicable advice (that can be applied with the presence of openmindedness regarding sex, as an act of sacred and limitless pleasure between two lovers) to all guies who posted above. BEST WISHES TO ALL New Member DiamondHeart
Anissa-Maria Anissa-Maria 5 years
You know what, I'm going to agree with Steph. I would advise you to make an effort to fantasise about your husband instead, and focus on what turns you on about -him-, not some guy you don't even know. What if your husband started fantasising about a co-worker instead of you in bed? How would you feel? Your love for him should be enough of a turn-on to make up for his lack of blonde hair and blue eyes. I don't know about the details of your decision to get married, but I do hope that your feelings are strong and lasting enough to care for him, admire him and be turned on by him even though he doesn't look like he walked off the cover of a romance novel. If you ever wonder whether something that you're in "right" in respect to your partner...put yourself in his shoes. Imagine if your husband fantasised about a blonde busty colleague...How insulted would you feel? You should make an effort to keep your thoughts focused on the one that you've committed to.
Harley-Quinn Harley-Quinn 5 years
I am married. I fantasy about other men. I have had this type of attraction before. I always found that the reason for it was because there was something missing in my relationship. For example being attracted to a sweet guy. Who normal would not be my type and certainly is not my husband's general nature. So I ask my husband for a little more romance. I get the sweet movie nights. Other attraction goes away. like craving sugar and eating a chocolate bar.
steph1234 steph1234 5 years
It may be normal, but doesn't make it right. It's normal for spouses to cheat on each other? happens all the time. but is it right? No....You've got to look at it from a right and wrong perspective. What concerns me is not that you think this man is attractive, but that you have vivid thoughts about where/when/how.....Have you told these things to your new hubby? Would you be comfortable in doing so? How would he react? It's ok to see people as they are....attractive, ugly...whatever, but I think you are crossing a fine line. I truly believe that what is on the inside (our thoughts, attitudes, secrets) will always come out. You need to take control over your thoughts and turn them towards your husband. When you start to your husband in them instead of this guy. You need to enjoy being a newlywed and respect your husband. Know that you have committed to each other through marriage and you need to protect that and guard it seriously, because marriage is so precious! People take these fantasies so lightly....but you shouldn't...really...Good luck...and I hope you are able to exert some self control.
daydreamerOP daydreamerOP 5 years
I am the original poster and thanks for the feedback and reassurance that it is normal. @luckduckyy:I've only been married for 3 months .... I've worked at the same place for 3 years and the blond hot guy has only started about a month ago. He's just really physically attractive. I saw him on his first day, when he came in for interviews, etc. and he was always very nice in passing and very nice on the eyes. I'm sure if I met him and actually talked to him it would be different; right now he is just a hot guy who I can't get my hands on, which makes me want him even more; thus my dilemna.
luckyduckyy luckyduckyy 5 years
Well it's just a fantasy. Just be sure to never cross that line between fantasy and reality, and that includes befriending him. DO NOT BEFRIEND HIM. Don't associate yourself with him. If you ever have to work with him, just give him the cold shoulder. Do not cross the line. Also, you say you've never felt this way before, that you've never fantasized like this before you were married. How long have you been married? And how long have you worked at this office? How long has this other guy worked at this office? I feel that this is all important info, because if this guy was in the picture beforehand, and you only just started feeling this way about him...well that's kinda bad. Maybe you're feeling closed-in by the marriage, and you should discuss these things either with your husband or a therapist.
lcrox07 lcrox07 5 years
Totally normal! You're human, but just don't act out the fantasy. Seems like you got something good going on for you. ;-)
kurniakasih kurniakasih 5 years
Um, as long as you don't act on your fantasy or put yourself in a position that will compromise your marriage (i.e. outside fantasizing, that is), I think it's pretty normal to fantasize. My husband masturbates and watches his share of porn, he also does fantasize but we both never act on our fantasy with those 'fantasy people.' So you're fantasizing about a guy at the office, here's my current list of guys I'm fantasizing about: Norman Reedus (so sue me, he's hot in Walking Dead), pixel guys like Albert Wesker (Resident Evil 5), or Iorveth (The Witcher 2)...oh well, that's tmi. :)
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