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Is It OK to Hate Your Boyfriend's Ex?

Is It OK to Hate Your Boyfriend's Ex?

Ah, the ex factor. No matter what your situation, ex-girlfriends of your current flame are hard to ignore, and they can often put a damper on the new relationship. A recent article in the UK's Mirror gives explicit instructions on how to cope with your boyfriend's ex when they are still "friends." Since we all know that remaining friends with an ex can be a bad idea, it's no wonder that many new girlfriends need some encouraging words of wisdom.

The article suggests that the new girlfriend should avoid aggression, as it's a sign of jealousy, while other people think it's OK if the ex knows you're jealous of her. I happen to think that the ex "wins" in a sense if she gets the best of you, so my motto has always been to kill them with kindness. What about you? Even though deep down we often hate our boyfriends' exes, do you think it's OK to be forthcoming with those negative feelings, or do you think it's better to just bite your tongue?


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tania1979 tania1979 5 years
what about if my bf does not talk to his ex anymore but a lot of his family members do as she remained their beautician. They continously like her pictures on fb with her new bf with whom she betrayed my bf with?!!! cannot stand these people !  
I Hate His Ex by Alex Cooper is a great book if you are having problems with your partners ex. It really helps to understand and resolve any issues you may have. You can buy the book or download it on Amazon. I have read it and it’s helped me sort out loads of relationship troubles. x
Just finished reading I Hate His Ex by Alex Cooper. Brilliant read for anyone having relationship troubles to do with past relationships :) xxxx
MiyabiNa MiyabiNa 9 years
I say it depends on the ex. I know my bf's exes and I pretty much don't have a problem with them since they respect me and have actually become my friends too now... but I did have one problem with my bf's last gf... I did the whole "nice" thing cuz I have nothing against her ya know? I mean, they broke up a while before I came along and she pretty much didn't have any contact with him until a couple months after I was with my bf....they basically share the same circle of friends so I didn't wanna be the "bitchy" one of the group and be hatin on her for no I was nice and friendly with her...I got to know her a little bit... but then it started to bite me in the ass. For some reason she started coming around him more often when I wasn't around...contacting him etc... I got a little concerned because I knew my bf still had feelings for was a really bad breakup and I knew he wasn't quite over her... so she kinda took advantage of his emotions and played the whole "lemme see if he still loves me" game....saying stuff like "I can get you back when I want"...blah blah...she would dance all up on him at the club and stuff whenever I left to the bathroom or whatever....and she started playing mind games with my bf, saying stuff like "what's up with your gf, why is she jealous of me?" (which wasn't true AT ALL, she totally asked that JUST to get my bf talking about me- which btw, he was TOTALLY busted for it and he had a lot of making up to do to me cuz of that little incident). But it was crap like that she would pull. She would publically talk about how she dislikes me and stuff....all the while I PURPOSELY didn't say ONE WORD to she came off lookin like the hatin bitch while I had the "kill em with kindness" attitude and no one could ever say that I was hatin on her.... But then I finally got sick of it cuz 1st of all she wasn't slick and 2nd of all I'm not stupid. I'm a girl too...I understand these games. Lots of guys are dumb and don't know when girls are playing with their minds/hearts/ yeah. I got FED UP and sent her a nasty message about rude she was and how offended I am that she doesn't have the decency to respect me and my boyfriend and our relationship and how disgusted I am at the way she was acting since she was 1. NOW MARRIED, and 2. Just had a baby daughter...and she's still acting like she was in highschool. I said more...and she sent me one back basically saying that I'm stuck on her cuz I'm jealous blah blah...and I responded that I was totally NOT jealous of her because we lead two very different lives..she has a kid and a hubby, and I have my bf, WHO which I pointed out SHE DUMPED so she needed to get over it and take care of her family. Soo...I basically told her to back off cuz I was sick of it and when she started respecting me again, I would respect her. After that...there hasn't been a problem. She doesn't contact him like she used to..she BEHAVES in public when we're out...and she's been nicer to me, so I've been cordial in our social settings... it's almost like she turned around cuz it wasn't worth the fight anymore? I dunno...all I know is that I trust my intuition and I ALWAYS get a feelin when I know somethings up with her..and so far it's always been right...and I talked to my bf about it and he knows my feelings about being respected by his ex's, I feel like I've made progress. sigh...sorry for the long story...but I just wanted to point out that this "kill them with kindness" thing sometimes works, sometimes doesn't.
sadgirl sadgirl 9 years
I still wonder if they talk though
sadgirl sadgirl 9 years
This is a touchy subject for me too ladies... I fell in love with a guy and i knew he talked to his ex. Wasn't a big deal at all until I looked on his myspace and hers. They both kept saying how much they loved and missed eachother, I snooped on his phone a couple times and saw her # on there more than should be and they talked to eachother on Valentines day and he didn't tell me i found out from his phone. Then when we got his phone bill in the mail, I could see they were talking like 4-5 times a week when he was at work! I called her boyfriend and told him what was going on. My man and i are still together and tells me it was never more than being freinds. Its been two year and he says he hasn't talked to her for almonst a year, but that pretty much ruined the whole being friends with ex's for me. Am i stupid?
cougar41 cougar41 9 years
I wouldn't be her buddy,but I think I would be pleasant towards her.
purpleisafruit purpleisafruit 9 years
I think it's important to be honest about your feelings. If you pretend something doesn't bother you and your boyfriend knows you well enough, he'll soon figure out that you really do have an issue with it. Having said that, there's being honest and there's being honest. If your boyfriend is going to start something up with his ex there's probably little you can do to prevent it (and isn't that what most girls would fear?) I've also been on the other side of this coin. My ex insisted on remaining friends with me (with limited success for reasons I won't go into) while he was trying to establish a new relationship. His new girlfriend insisted we spend some time together. He insisted we spend some time together (neither of them actually asked me whether I wanted to or not). I thought it was a good idea, as an ex, to give them space, not necessarily because my ex and I may have hooked up, but because I think new couples just need space to establish themselves. (Something my ex has never really understood.)
kitkatherine kitkatherine 9 years
it really depends. my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend happens to be one of my best friends in the world. and he and my boyfriend are really close. the four of us hang out quite a bit. but my boyfriend's ex began calling him once a day when we started dating, and she kept telling him that she loved him (the girl managed to cheat on him seven times in a ten month period. she treated both me adn him really badly, and i think i'm allowed to hate her because of her actions. i never knew any of my old boyfriend's exes so, that's my only situation
LadyP LadyP 9 years
Lets put it this way, I don't hate any of his ex's but I don't TRUST a single one of em.
Soniabonya Soniabonya 9 years
I don't know any of my boyfriends exes. I met a couple of his hook ups but we were friendly with each other even before I knew he had hooked up with them before me. If a girl is jealous of her boyfriends ex, that just shows her insecurity and immaturity about the situation. It's understanable if she gets angry if the ex makes moves on the boy, but if it's a platonic relationship then I don't see a problem. It goes both ways too. Guys can get jealous of their girls friendly ex. Luckily I don't have that problem.
Muirnea Muirnea 9 years
Papaya, I agree, the annoying ex I had to deal with definitely just wanted to keep control of my guy. And I'm sorry that happened to you, what a jerk. marthalilian126, I agree with you too.
Muirnea Muirnea 9 years
I agree with Alisha_Stiletto, there is no reason for ex's to stay friends. A good relationship is more about friendship than anything else to me, so if they are still friends that means a lot more than "just friends" to me. I know its not true in all cases, but I am going to take the "better safe than sorry" route. Mean ex's who want my guy back, by the way, are horrible and yucky. Especially when they don't even really want him back, they just want him as an option that is open and to not be happy. grrr.
juliemyjewel juliemyjewel 9 years
My boyfriend's ex sent him skanky suggestive emails for almost 2 years. Needless to say, I can't stand the bitch and if I ever see her in public I will snap. And I'm not ashamed to admit it, I would beat her ass!
zoorph zoorph 9 years
It depends on the situation. If she is obnoxious and constantly trying to lord her previous relationship over you, getting in sly little digs at your expense, then it's fine. Of course, I would suggest (1) ignoring it or (2) confronting her, but confronting her as an adult would and not snidely. I am the ever-hated ex-girlfriend. I'm a total tomboy and always have been, so with my ex's, I become "one of the guys" all over again. While they are not like brothers, we do have this shared history. I don't lord it over the current girlfriend(s) - as a matter of fact, I try to include the girlfriend in conversation, make sure that she is sitting next to the boyfriend instead of me, keep my hugs brief and my kisses pecks on the cheek. But I also don't go out of my way to change my behavior totally. Women need to understand and accept that this man has gone through a few relationships and that the sign of a mature person is the ability to remain friends with an ex. If it makes someone that uncomfortable in a regular, polite situation that their boyfriend is still friends with an ex, that to me is a sign of immaturity and jealousy - which means she needs to grow up or leave. As an ex, I've been called in to give the new girlfriend a once over because I *can* be objective about it. I want my ex's to be happy and if I feel as though this woman won't make him happy, if she treats me like crap although I have been respectful of their space and tried to assure her through actions that I am a harmless bystander, then I'm ratting her out.
fashionhore fashionhore 9 years
I think it's tacky to hate a bf's boyfriend unless you have a legit reason too. Sadly most women do not have a real reason to hate her, they just do because of course he isn't the kindest towards her himself. I have never once hated a bf's ex because I don't put myself in the position to be able to hate someone period.
marthalilian126 marthalilian126 9 years
It is totally, 100% a-okay to hate his ex! I mean, yes, there are the rare (and I mean RARE) exceptions but for the most part, he should learn to put his past where it belongs -- in the past. If he hasn't then there is probably some underlying reason for it that is more significant. This is especially true if he feels the need to shove all of his exes in your face and make you feel bad about it. Yes, this is totally a sore spot for me.
CaterpillarGirl CaterpillarGirl 9 years
I hate my husbands ex. He was with her in high school and through a year of college. They were engaged at one point, till she moved to Arizona. I had never met her and still haven’t, although I have talked to her on the phone. She came back into town a year after we were married and tried to cause strife. He being a nice guy tried to be her friend, and tried to make sure I was okay too but she just downright disrespected me and our marriage, SO I forbid him from ever talking to her again (or her fellow cronies who were helping her) I call her “the beast”. Its been 6 years now, and she has tried ( by Myspace, and by mutual friends) to talk to my husband again but he wont, like a good boy. If I ever saw her in public I would ignore her. I have seen her cronies and told them, as soon as I saw them head for a hug with my hubby, to “f*ck off” So if she has given you a reason, sure hate her, if not...Just be weary and polite.
sparklestar sparklestar 9 years
Papaya are you still with him?! Jesus.. he sounds like a total tool. It takes two to tango and I would stay well away from him if that had happened to me! Geez..
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