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Obsessed With Boyfriend's Ex

Group Therapy: Obsessed With My Fiancé's Ex

This question comes from Group Therapy in our TrèsSugar Community. Feel free to add your advice in the comments!

Please help me! My fiancé is an amazing guy, but I can't seem to get over his past. We were friends before we started dating, which led to us talking about both of our exes. His just happens to be his high-school teacher that he dated for 3 years! They started dating when he was almost 16 and he broke up with her when he was almost 19. She is 12 years older than him, the worst part is that he lost his virginity to her and he got her pregnant! She had to abort it though because it would have caused major legal issues.

I don't stalk her on Facebook or Myspace, I just can't get her out of my head! From the moment I wake up I start to feel sick about it. I know everyone has a past, and I'm one to talk . . . I have a baby with an ex! But I'm still so judgmental! He has reassured me that he is totally over her and that whole situation. But I don't want to keep bringing her up, as I'm afraid that would be keeping his memory fresh of her.


Please help. I don't like the way I feel. I have even started to take antidepressants because I can't get my head normal. I hate feeling this way!

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Source: Flickr User [ToyBox]

JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 7 years
Anonymous, You are acting too needy. Believe me, I know what it is like, I sometimes act too needy too. You have to stop acting so needy. If you want help acting less needy, feel free to ask.
danakscully64 danakscully64 7 years
To be honest, you don't want to burn a bridge with your guy. He confided in you because he trusted you, trust is a very hard thing to get back. I absolutely think a counselor might be able to sort things out. I've been in your shoes (obsessing a bit), but the situation was a little different because the girl kept contacting my guy (saying crazy stuff too). She then started to contact me, claiming my guy was harassing her (he was not, she started contact and he admitted to replying). In your case, it doesn't seem like you have anything to worry about. I suffer from anxiety, which creates the same patterns of obsession. I think about it, I get anxious and can't stop thinking about it. I then blow something up in my head that was really nothing. I wish I could give you advice on what helps because I still don't know for me. When I think about my guys (crazy) ex now, I feel nothing. Once I found out that she made the same claims to other exs, she had gained a lot of weight since they dated, and she had been engaged to an abusive guy one moment, engaged to a different person the next, I just felt sorry for her. You sound like a much better match for your guy, someone that much older with 2 kids sounds like she just liked the excitement of the relationship. What bothers you more: That she got pregnant by him or she was much older than him? Or something else? What is the #1 thing that drives you the most crazy? It's tough though because you don't want her to continue teaching if she is a risk. See what a counselor says, they might have some excellent tips :) Good luck.
Brittani007 Brittani007 7 years
They broke up about 2 years ago. He(my fiancee) is almost 21, he is only 4 months older than i am. She is still a teacher at the school we live near. I dont think he thinks of his situation as being sexually abused. I have made some comments about it and he said hes embarassed at the fact he dated his teacher and that she was wayyy older than him, but i know he found her attractive. He knew what he was doing. I just dont understand how its dating though when they had to sneak around everywhere, they couldnt even drive down the road together because of the consequences if they got caught together. He would squat down in the car. He said he would sneak to her house everynight and sleep with her and sneak home in the morning to get ready for school. I've even thought of turning her in, she shouldnt be a teacher if she is attracted to young boys!!! Does anyone think i should? She has 2 kids from a previous marriage, and it would probably be a lot of drama taking her to court. Its best just to get her out of my head. I know thats whats best, its just easier said then done. Thanks Aralluna10 for the book idea, i'll try that. You also think i should get into counseling? Or am i just bringing up things and making a big deal out of things that shouldnt be?
aralluna10 aralluna10 7 years
Evaling has some really good points here. I think jealousy is unbelievably hard to control. The problem is, even if the other person doesn't have all that you have, if they have *one* thing you don't have, it can drive you crazy. Try to step back and tell that you are out of line (which you are already doing) and then avoid the triggers or practice controlling your reaction when you face the triggers. For example, when you are reminded of her, detach yourself from the situation and then remind yourself of some times you have enjoyed with him recently. It is really a habit. If, however, you do feel that, at some level, it is not his past in general but the specifics of the situation, it is OK to bring that up with a counselor. At some level you are right that your past is kind of normal and his is a bit on the weird side. We tend to be more cynical about men and assume that they want sex and know what they are doing, but reverse the situation -- what if you had had a long-time teenage love affair with a male teacher and had gotten pregnant with his baby? Your finance might be obsessed with finding the man and beating him up for "what he did" to you. If your fiance is reminiscing about his ex without feeling self-conscious or a bit violated, it might be because men aren't usually given the "right" to feel like they were the sexual victim of a woman. I don't know, I just think the situation needs to be probed a bit more. Maybe your jealousy is more about feeling that someone hurt a man you deeply love. A good diagnostic would be to ask yourself if you have ever been this jealous of a man's ex-girlfriend before? If not, it probably has more to do with the situation than with your personality. It seem very serious if you are taking medication for the problem. Get an outside opinions from a counselor before assuming something is wrong with you for feeling this way.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 7 years
It does sound like therapy is in order here. The more you obsess, the more you obsess. It's a cycle. Try to force your mind onto something else, and definitely don't let yourself look her up or anything. You'll feel worse after you do stuff like that.
inlove23 inlove23 7 years
I try to remember that at the end of the day he is falling asleep with me, not her
GregS GregS 7 years
You have issues that appear all the time. Your reminder of your past is a physical manifestation of that relationship - your child - and that will be forever. His reminder is only between your ears, because apparently he's over it. If there would be a problem, it would be with him. While it would be easy for him to be judgemental, he apparently isn't. He's apparently willing to commit to you and your child in spite of your past. Also, I wouldn't characterize his previous relationship as with a pedophile, though the law may call it that. I'm sure that he had opportunities elsewhere to have a "normal" relationship at that age. But the attractions age-wise work. She was at sexual peak while he was trying to figure out what all this equipment was for. At 16, he was looking to experiment and she wouldn't cost a lot in terms of effort. Rather stark, but... Get counselling before you marry.
aralluna10 aralluna10 7 years
I strongly suggest getting a good pre-marriage counselor. This is no ordinary ex-girlfriend. In the meantime, the two of you might try reading the "The Reader" by Bernhard Schlink together. I know there is a movie of it, but I don't think watching it is quite as good. In the book, the narrator gives a lot of commentary on how his affair with a much older woman (when he was 15) ruined his future love life. It might help your fiance as well as you to process some of the issues brought up in the novel. Maybe he agrees with the narrator, maybe he doesn't, but forcing him to think about these questions before he committs to you is important. Let's face it -- this is an affair that could have made major headlines. I don't think many boys in that situation could have resisted. I'm sure he needs to know you accept him. This should be handled more as a case of sexual abuse than an ex-girlfriend and treated with the appropriate heaviness.
weffie weffie 7 years
You don't mention how long ago this was, but I'm guessing you're both still pretty young since it bothers you so much. If it was relatively recent, time will heal all & until it does you should focus on being a mother rather than obsessing over some woman you don't know. If this was a relationship in the distant past and you just can't get over it, I'd talk to whoever prescribed your antidepressants because you're probably more in need of therapy/counseling than chemical correction.
curiositykat curiositykat 7 years
I've been obsessed with my boyfriend's exes and I think it completely ruined our relationship at one point. I don't think I was obsessed with them as people, but with they lives they had with my boyfriend. It consumed me as your obsession consumes you, but I woke up one day and realized that I had become so obsessed with how other people lived their lives that I wasn't really living mine. Also, you mentioned that you have a baby with an ex. You have just as much of a past as your current fiance, but it doesn't bother him. That just goes to show that your obsession is irrational; if it were rational, he would have it, too. Not to say that you are a completely irrational or crazy person, because as I said, I've had the same "obsession" as well. However, I just put it into perspective and began to feel better about things. Hope this helps. I know how difficult this can be.
zzleigh zzleigh 7 years
Antidepressants won't do the trick by itself; it sounds like you have a pretty severe obsession that needs to be addressed with regular therapy.
chillchic chillchic 7 years
I think she is more upset that his ex-fiance was a pedophile and that her boyfriend allowed himself to fall prey to her. I would tell him how it makes you feel. You can't resent him for something that happened before you met, but you can ask questions if you are curious what he was thinking during this "relationship". Ultimately, you have to let it go, though. It's unhealthy for you and your relationship to harbor these feelings. Focus on the present, and maybe channel your negative feelings into something positive.
totygoliguez totygoliguez 7 years
First of all, you have to understand that he does have a past and you need to get over that. Just because you weren't his first love doesn't mean that he doesn't love you as much, he is marrying you for God sake! Don't ask for details about his past love life; he is with you and that's all that matters!
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