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One Sided Sex

Dear Sugar
I'm in love with a wonderful man, but we've got a pretty big problem in the bedroom. Well, he probably doesn't think that it's a problem but I do. He really loves it (I mean really loves it) when he is the recipient of oral sex. He asks for it every time we fool around and usually I comply. I don't mind doing it and I love to make him happy.

The problem is that he never returns the favor. Even if I ask him to, he just kind of avoids it. Don't you think that's strange? Do you think that I have a reason to be upset about this or are most guys not into doing it? Should I just let it go or should I push the issue? I'm a little afraid of turning this into too big of an issue and turning him off. What do you think? Unsatisfied Sophie.

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Unsatisfied Sophie
Yes, you should talk to him about this. There is no way that this can be good for your sex life and for the overall well being of your relationship. Reciprocity is a must and that certainly isn't happening here. Hasn't he ever heard of quid pro quo?

It's upsetting that he loves oral sex so much, yet he doesn't want you to feel the same kind of pleasure that he's feeling. When you are in love, you should feel inspired to make your partner's life as wonderful as possible. He's holding out on you, and you've got the right to understand why.

Start by asking him what the problem is. Maybe he's skeeved out about hygiene? Maybe he's insecure that he's not doing it right or maybe he's just got a ridiculous sense of male entitlement. If he's being roundabout in his answers then take action. Try taking a shower before you go to bed one night and see if that helps at all. If not, try dirty talking to him about how much you love the way he touches you to help boost his confidence.

I hope these suggestions help you to have a more satisfying and mutual sex life. If they don't, then ask him if he'd be open to couples sex therapy. It's really not normal and it's definitely not fair to endure being ignored in bed.

Join The Conversation
getstinko getstinko 10 years
1. you should be aware if you are producing funk before you ask him to do that 2. get a brazilian it's hot and it prevents any gagging on hair 3. never ask your boyfriend to go down during a period or other "down times" 4. I've never understood men who don't do this act, it is one of the most enjoyable and exciting acts in sex. 5. Each partner needs to be willing to reciprocate - if not he's pretty self important.
tinyspark tinyspark 10 years
Yeah, I've been there. I just told him he would never get head from me ever again and I stuck to it. And no, we're not together any more.
Celticangel Celticangel 10 years
Wow I'm sorry hun, my hubby is AWESOME (after some couching) he'd stay there all night...and I'd do the same for him. I say if he says no you say no. Then see how long it is before he changes his tune! LOL
arianell arianell 10 years
I've only dated one guy who absolutely refused to perform oral. He turned out to be INCREDIBLY controlling and chauvinistic. So yeah... based on my experiences, and what my guy friends have told me, it's a bit of a red flag if he won't even give it a try.
nycgirl nycgirl 10 years
Haha! I loved that: you are not a salad. Yeah, the douche was from our mom's generation, and I think we've since learned that it isn't really good for you. But I agree with the latest postings: if he's asking you to do it, and you are, you deserve a little something for your troubles. If he is really adamantly refusing, then he's probably selfish in other areas too. Besides, there are plenty of men in this world who love to reciprocate!
ChiTownEm ChiTownEm 10 years
If a man is selfish in bed, he is probably selfish in life. Tell him to either get over it or get out of your bed!! (Or you could always just refuse to give it to him too.)
LaLaLaura LaLaLaura 10 years
I wouldn't date a guy who wouldn't eat me out. Either fix it or forget him.
Jinx Jinx 10 years
lol, You got to give to get! ~Procrastinate Now! Don't Put It Off~ (Ellen)
BlondeSugar BlondeSugar 10 years
The vagina is self-cleansing. It scares me that women are putting VINEGAR up there. STOP THE MADNESS! You are not a salad.
t0xxic t0xxic 10 years
Douching can actually push bad bacteria into the uterus and get you sick and also get rid of the good bacteria you have. Def not something Id chance with -------------------- Happy Halloween Popples
My-Opinion My-Opinion 10 years
haha, yeah nica* nycgirl pretty much summed up what a douch is, but it's not good for a woman though, nor is it really needed! some women think they have to have it to smell nice, but they are actually making things worse for them in the long or maybe short run as far as 'too much yeast' or 'pelvic inflammatory problems' blah blah.......oh and the summers eve feminine wash is the shiznit for women. You can find it anywhere from grocery stores to places like Target or super walmart or walgreens....
t0xxic t0xxic 10 years
Proud user of the Summers Eve to! lol My hubbers doesnt do "that" but Im pregnant right now so theres some things going on lol and hes weird. But def talk to him about it and see what the deal is. Some guys dont like to do that I guess, but its not fair to you and you def deserve something extra if hes getting it ya know? GL babes. -------------------- Happy Halloween Popples
nycgirl nycgirl 10 years
Douching is squirting a bottle of water and vinegar (and other stuff) straight up the vag to wash out the uterus. Kind of like what an enema does to the bum. Maybe you should try getting a brazilian wax. It leaves you so soft and smooth, and it will get him used to being down there and feeling around, without tickly/scruffy hairs. I really don't know how you get by without some oral action! I'm so sorry! Oh, also, you can alter how you 'taste' down there by eating different things, like rice, strawberries, mangos, etc. Nothing citrus though, and NO sushi.
nicachica nicachica 10 years
hey MyOp, what exactly is douching? i never knew what it meant! but you know, that Summers Eve feminine wash doesn't sound half-bad...
My-Opinion My-Opinion 10 years
Maybe the guy got ahold of a pretty rank chick before.....let him know that you are very clean., and the majority of women aren't all icky and stank and too hairy eeewwwwwwwwwww down there...if you are self concious about it, there is a product made just for us women ya know! It's called Summers Eve feminine it's NOT a douche...douching is not good for ya., and I personally don't know why women do it.......The summers eve feminine wash is by the tampons and pads and stuff like that. They've got it for normal and sensitive skin. I've been using it since I was 15, and believe me, you are fresh allllllll day long. I haven't been with a load of dudes or anything like that, but the ones I have been with and the ones my sisters have been with have all said, 'man, you are the cleanest, freshest girl I have EVER been with!!!! And of course they get addicted and sometimes turn into stalkers, LOL.... Yes, my sisters use it too, my mom introduced it to us when we got our periods.....It's simply the best.
nicachica nicachica 10 years
maaaan, i don't know why guys get so freaked out about going down there. i always thought it was because i must "smell bad" or something but they don't exactly smell like a bed of roses either. maybe he needs to be told that! i had a similar problem with my guy a couple of months ago but it was more like he didn't know how to do it rather than not doing it at all. he actually brought it up and wanted to know how to please me more so we talked about it and now he's much better! oh i fell in love with my man even more after that! :)
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