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Online Dating After Divorce

Group Therapy: Should I Start Online Dating?

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I've been divorced for over a year, separated for a year before that. I think I'm ready to get out there and start dating. Unfortunately, because I have a full-time job and very active children, I'm never in a position to meet a man the "old fashioned" way. Thus, I'm considering trying the whole online thing. I'm nervous though, so I'm wondering . . . do you think it's a good idea? Which sites are the best?  Should I pay or try the free option? Any personal experiences? Thanks!

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kitty-Witty kitty-Witty 5 years
well you can go for online dating but make sure before choosing the site . good luck :)
kikil44 kikil44 5 years
I really like this one: There you have the chance to meet numerous interesting singles.
danakscully64 danakscully64 5 years
I ditto Tri5280's comment. I met my bf on OkCupid, had to weed through creepers. We've been together almost a year now (although things have been rocky lately, he's not a bad guy). Just be smart and don't believe everything you read.
Raynne413 Raynne413 5 years
I met my boyfriend on He couldn't be more perfect for me, and we've been together for 4 1/2 years now. I'd avoid the free sites. I learned that most of the people on those sites are just looking for easy booty calls. I had to go through a TON of guys before I found him, though. I was on for two years, I think, going on 3-4 dates a week. Most never made it past the first date. Don't go purely based on their emails. My boyfriend wasn't very chatty at ALL through email and I almost bailed on our first date. I didn't though because he was thoughtful enough to wish me luck on an exam I was taking, and then emailed to find out how I did after. Definitely don't go too long before meeting. Don't waste your time or the other person's. Drinks or coffee is best for a first date because you'll have an easy out. But if things go well, then you can suggest dinner or another activity.
Bubbles12 Bubbles12 5 years
I met my husband through! I probably went on 100 first and only dates and it took years. Sometimes I gave up and took months off. Felt chemistry with only two guys, and one wasn't interested in me. But the second guy was -- my husband. A lot of work, but it was worth it. At first I was worried being too strict would accidentally rule the right man out, but learned over time to be very specific in my profile. Based on my inbox guys generally spammed without spending a lot of time reading profiles, a lot of them play it like its a numbers game. And it is really. I didn't have any horror stories, most of the men I met were nice but there was no 'there there'. Sometimes on both sides, sometimes on one side. I developed a lot of guidelines along the way, here they are: 1) No long-distance. There are a lot of people on dating sites with lots of secrets or inability to actually be intimate for whatever reason. They are looking for long-distance emotional and/or physical affairs. So what I put in my profile was this: "If you live so far away I can't easily meet you for dinner after work, you live too far away for the type of relationship I'm looking for." 2) No more than two emails -- if I'm interested I'll say 'let's meet'. Writing rapport and real life rapport can have nothing to do with each other unfortunately and can get you emotionally invested in someone you shouldn't be invested in. Meeting face to face gives critical clues. We women tend to bond faster, so you need to protect yourself. Most people talk on the phone before meeting but I found that it also didn't really help to weed out lack of commonality, and some people aren't good on the phone. 3) If a couple of exchanges were interesting I'd say let's meet for coffee. No big date scenarios when you meet someone the first time, you may want to leave asap and food service can leave you there long after you want to be. 4) Get used to rejection, yours and his. If you've decided he's not for you and he tries to argue with you, be polite but firm. Don't read too much into their arguing to continue dating. Competitiveness can kick in -- and his pursuing you at that point may have nothing to do with his actual interest in you as his dislike of not 'winning'. The line that worked best for me was "You have a lot going for you. There is no rhyme or reason to chemistry at all, completely irrational. But it's very important to me. Thanks for taking the time to meet me and I hope you find your match soon." Worst case scenario: if someone still tries to push it I'll say, "I'm a little uncomfortable about you're not respecting me on this so I'm going to say good-bye now." And when a guy brushes you off, accept it graciously and disappear instead of asking a million questions about why -- which really isn't appropriate for the first few dates. And in a way it really is a numbers game, just focus that somewhere there is someone for you! 5) Always send a friend or two the profile name of the person you're meeting, where you are meeting and what time. Let him know in some way others know where you are and are expecting to hear from you in a casual way... "I told my friend who lives in this neighborhood I might drop in after this and she's expecting a call after I leave.". A little transparent and awkward maybe but he'll appreciate you're need to act safe. 5) Be honest in your profile about age, weight, marital status, children. Post a recent photo, no later than a year old. Even that great looking photo that magically made you look like a model (looking up at the camera in an extreme way removes the double chin but...) is only going to make them feel disappointed as soon as they see you. That's not going to help your cause, just the opposite. 6) Is he too good to be true? Is he trying to get you hooked really fast? That's a warning he may have a lot to hide. Be sure you get to know him and his friends before getting involved. It's amazing what friends and co-workers told me when given the chance. Saved me a lot of grief. Here's an extreme story...a friend who is extremely sharp actually got caught in a dating site rip-off scheme on with a suspiciously handsome widower who lost his beloved wife 2 years ago, and was working on an assignment in Nigeria as a bridge engineer but would be back to the local area in about a month. Perfect scenario: loving widower, handsome, well off. It took her a week of a lot of texting to finally realize it was a little too good to be true, do a search, turns out to be a whole industry from a call center. She was about to be told he was having an emergency and needed cash...and sure enough her 'engineer' did just that. She send him a false Western Union number and when he wrote angry it was false, she sent the guy a link to a photo of his call center. See rule #1. 6) Be picky. You'll find him eventually.
karlotta karlotta 5 years
I agree - my mom never dated again after my parents' divorce, and my brother who was barely a year old when they separated is completely inept at relationships. Children need examples of loving relationships. Dating doesn't mean bringing a parade of men home - the OP sounds very mature and reasonable, and I'm sure she won't be introducing her kids to a boyfriend until it's serious and settled. As for online dating, I have no advice because I've never tried it personally; but I know quite a few people who've met their significant others that way. And I met my BF of 6 years on the internet (albeit not on a dating site but through a common friend) so I can vouch for the fact that meaningful relationships can develop virtually, and that not everyone on the web is a creep ;) Good luck! You deserve to get out there, have some fun, and be happy again. If this is one of your only options, definitely give it a go.
henna-red henna-red 5 years
I agree with Betty Wayne. Dating after divorce, learning that relationships are still a part of life is part of a kids development when they are part of a divorced family. It's not easy to date as a single parent, but it's part of life, and I applaud her desire to want to be involoved in life, in love, in hope for what is available to loving, caring people.
Bettye-Wayne Bettye-Wayne 5 years
I've never tried online dating, so not sure what to say. But SKG I'm not sure I understand why you think her dating life will be so developmentally damaging to her kids? She's been separated a year, divorced another. That's 2 years of her being single and giving the kids time to come to terms with the divorce. She sounds like she has her head on straight, so I'm sure she won't bring the first random asshole she meets home and introduce him as Daddy #2. Maybe I'm biased, but I weep for mothers who deny themselves the simple pleasures of being a woman (like looking good and dating) for the sake of their kids. I think it would be more developmentally damaging to them if she never dated.
lcrox07 lcrox07 5 years
I think you should give it a go. I would also try or eharmony. Those seem like the safest. I think has like a free trial or something. Why not try?
MrsShort MrsShort 5 years
I met my boyfriend on Its free and you take these tests to find a good match. I have been with my boyfriend for over a year now, but I will warn you I met a few creepers, and by creepers I mean psychos .So you have to watch out. If you want something that is a little less scary, I would try eharmony, or Yes you have to pay but you weed out the creepers for the most part, because most creepers are not going to pay for a website unless there are naked girls on the page.....
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