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Is Our Relationship Really Over?

You Asked: Is It Really Over?

Dear Sugar,

I met an awesome guy two years ago that was everything I've ever wanted in a man. I can honestly say this was the first time that I was truly in love with someone, but about three weeks before Christmas we broke up. We had an argument and we did not call each other until about a week ago. I felt that the argument, although it was about an important issue, could have been avoided. When we finally talked, we laid everything on the table. I told him I was ready to begin where we had left off but he wasn't. He told me that "people change" and he no longer wanted a relationship with me. I was, and still am, devastated.

He wanted to remain a part of each other's lives, but I told him I wanted to be "defined" as more — not just some random girl. This past weekend we went out to dinner and he came back to my place. He initiated everything and we had sex. I felt great but bad at the same time because I still didn't know where we stood. He spent the night and left the next morning, but I have not heard from him since. I feel crappy and used. Although he claimed to still love me, he still isn't able to pick up where we left off. He said there is no one else but I just don't know what to do. I have not told my friends because I really thought he was going to be the one that I would marry some day and now I'm embarrassed. I feel like if we had not argued and stopped talking that I would still have the love of my life. I really thought we were on our way to marriage and now I feel like a failure. Should I attempt to call him or accept that he's over me?
— Heart Broken Heidi

To see Dear Sugar's answer

Dear Heart Broken Heidi,

Break ups are the worst so I am sorry you're hurting right now. Break-up sex is tough — it makes things incredibly confusing because it can either lead to a reconciliation or it can simply be one last hurrah. Although your ex was honest with you about wanting to end it, he's also being selfish for not letting you go. Of course it's comforting to spend time with him, but it's just going to prevent you from moving on and accepting that your relationship is over.

You should not feel embarrassed by what's happened Heidi, and it's not good to keep all your feelings bottled up inside. I'm sure your friends and family would be more than happy to support you right now — that's what they are there for. Since this man was someone you wanted to spend the rest of your life with, I don't blame you for feeling like you're back at square one, but you never know what the future holds. Your ex could change his mind and realize what a mistake he made by breaking up with you, or you could meet the real man of your dreams. Be strong, use your loved ones for support and remember what's meant to be will be. Time is a great healer but in the meantime, treat yourself well.


Join The Conversation
Janine22 Janine22 9 years
He 'doesn't want a relationship' with you but is still willing to have sex? He is using you, girl! He is just taking advantage of breakup sex because he knows you still love him and are vulnerable right now. I've been there! He 'doesn't want a relationship' because he probably plans on keeping the door open for other girls, possible even actively pursuing other girls. If he can keep you on the side for sex whenever he feels like it, all the better for him. You shouldn't feel embarassed about this, he is the one that's being an asshole, not you. Someone that treats you this way is the not the right person to get married to, anyway. Make a clean break from him, and start treating yourself really well and loving yourself more. Don't be surprised if he tries to contact you again or reconcile, after he realizes that you've moved on. But realize that he will probably do this to you again down the road if you get back together. Can your heart handle that abuse? Find someone better!!
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 9 years
Respect yourself and stop letting him use you. That also shows you how he must feel for you, a piece of rag to use whenever he wants. Stop any and all contact with him.
graceunderfire graceunderfire 9 years
Don't regret the argument, it was inevitable. And honestly, when a guy wants to break up, it can be the smallest thing that he uses as an excuse. Chances are, he's been thinking about it for a while. Don't sleep with him again. He is testing you to see if he can get away with sex without commitment. You're worth more than that. You won't always feel this bad--I promise. Stay away from him completely to allow yourself to heal. Just get through a few weeks of internal roller-coaster and then you'll see some light--like a fever breaking. If you do want to give him a second chance, give it some time, do it when your heart has healed.
Berlin Berlin 9 years
Think about it this can't be in a marriage and not argue, it isn't healthy. So if your relationship was contingent on the fact that you remain perfectly pleasant for all time, it was doomed to begin with. And if you do get back together, you'd be walking on eggshells not to argue so it wouldn't happen again. Unfortunately you'll have to cut your losses, but there isn't "ONE" man for all of us anyways. You'll find another that will fit you...and you won't have to fear arguing with him causing a break up. You shouldn't have to either. I wouldn't worry about telling your friends, especially if you relay how it was over an argument that was important. Seems immature on his part, and your friends will only rally to support you.
bransugar79 bransugar79 9 years
I think this is a tough situation. I've been through similar periods with my fiance. That was a long time ago of course and we've had a total relationship over haul since then. It sounds like this guy needs to mature a little more and maybe he'll have to do that without you. The turth is no one can tell for sure if it's over for good or not (I am speaking from experience here) The thing you should definitely do is start taking care of yourself. I know it can be hard to open up. When you love someone that much and you feel like they have used you, you can start to feel a little foolish for believing in them. I'm sure your friends and family won't be hard on you when you need to lean on them. Just take some time away from this situation. Give yourself time to figure out what you want for sure even if that means you don't speak to this man anymore.
Sun_Sun Sun_Sun 9 years
theres nothing i regret more than the way i treated myself after breaking up. looking back now, i wish i can undo all the pain i harbored around and the sadness and the tears. and dont leave ur freinds out of it. trust me going out with ur girlfriends and sharing some laughs is definitely the best medicine. as long as u allow urself to say depressed, the more time ur wasting from ur precious life. get out there hunny and im POSITIVE u will meet someone who appreciates u and one day u'll look back and be disgusted by the way this loser treated u... take care =)
cubadog cubadog 9 years
Everyone has been through this at one time or another. To me over means over so don't call him. You have to let him go and move on. Find other things to do other than wait by the phone.
michelleannette michelleannette 9 years
don't force anything. he may just need some time to figure things out. break ups can be so devastating and it's hard to move on, but you have to try. spend time with friends and family. don't spend time with your ex. you both need to take a breather. if you keep going out to dinner with him and end up spending nights together it's just going to hurt you.
legalbeagle legalbeagle 9 years
:( aww I feel bad that you feel like you cant go to your friends... dont be scared to tell them, its not stupid to think that you were going to marry this guy after two years... Tell your friends/sister/mother/aunt whats going on... youll feel better when you have a shoulder to cry on, a bowl of popcorn, some ice cream, and every chick flick you can find Hope you feel better~
missbanana missbanana 9 years
my ex totally pushed me away when we broke up.. he didnt want to be friends at all.. i was devastated because he was my first love. its hard but through that really dark tunnel, theres always a light at the end right? cliche i know but its true. just keep on. you deserve to be happy and the fact that this relationship wasnt for you, then it means there will be a better one that comes along. =) And btw.. that ex of mine.. totally wants me back now.. he told me he regretted losing me because i was the best gf he's had.. too bad for him because i love my current boyfriend and he loves mee too and now that i look back, it really wasnt worth crying over someone whos happy to be without you... i always remember what my dad says.. "the man that has your heart should be the one protecting you from hurt, not the one hurting you." good luck and be happy!
emmebeth emmebeth 9 years
The exact same thing happened to me about 2 years ago. After a while I started feeling better about the situation, and lo and behold my ex and I got back together. We have been together for a year (again), but now things are rocky (again). Breakups happen for a reason. You just have to be true to yourself and not lose faith in finding the man of your dreams.
jennifer76 jennifer76 9 years
I agree with Dear. And I would also say that perhaps you would not be broken up this week but for the fight. But, if this is how he feels, it would have been over at some point. One fight doesn't end a strong relationship. :hug: to you! You're going through a tough time and you need all the support you can get.
sladjipadji sladjipadji 9 years
If he says that hes doesn't want a relationship with you anymore than you have to accept that. You can't change how someone feels or try to. What you need to do is be tough in case he contects you again just to have sex or tries to initiate it when you are together. You should not let him take advantage of you like that because he made the decision and using you in that way is unacceptable and unfair. One of my friends was in the same situation. He found a girl who he thought he was goin to marry...planned it all in his head..and than she told him she wanted a break. They never got back togehter and he was crushed. It took him a year to finally get over her nad to tell you the truth she wasn't worth his tears and your boyfriend is not worth yours after simply ending it like that after one stupid fight. It will be tough but you need to take a stand and step by step start living your life on your own.
TheMissus TheMissus 9 years
I agree with DearSugar, Heidi. Your ex doesn't want to be with you as a couple, but yet he initiated seeing you this pas weekend... He's being selfish. If he truly wants to not be romantically involved, then he can't do that. Especially since you've made it clear to him that the break-up is extremely hard for you. He's not being sensitive to your needs. You need time to adjust to the "not being a couple" thing. And that will probably require not seeing him at all. Or talking to him. Don't beat your self up over him not calling either. If he was a gentleman, he would have at least called you by now. Especially given your longterm and more recent history together. You deserve to be treated better than that. Time to move on. Forget about him being "the one" for you. YOU be "the one" for you. Take care of yourself.
1QTPIE 1QTPIE 9 years
I agree with Dear... let your family and friends be your support. Treat yourself well... It will take some time but you'll get through it.
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