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Out With The Old, In With The New

Dear Sugar
I recently started seeing a great guy that makes me laugh. He says and does all the right things and I am really happy right now. This is my first serious relationship and I don't want to blow it. The problem is that I have an ex-boyfriend who I've remained friends with since we broke up. We don't have sex or even kiss anymore but we go to movies and museums together.

Since I've started seeing my new boyfriend my ex has made some weird comments about how he doesn't think I belong with this guy. There's nothing wrong with the new guy and we have lots in common ... so I think my ex is just jealous.

I know I should let him go as a friend but every time I bring up that we shouldn't hang out anymore, he starts saying I've changed. He thinks that I'm just doing what my new guy wants. So, to prove him wrong I relent and we continue to hang out.

Yesterday, my ex came with my roommie and I to get coffee. While she was on a phone call outside, he held my hand and asked why we broke up in the first place. I told him that I think he's immature. He told me that I was a perfectionist and that we argued constantly and decided it was better to be friends. I know it's stupid to even still be his friend, but I'm confused and I don't know what to do.

Struggling Stephie

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Struggling Stephie
Yes, your ex is jealous. He doesn't want to lose you for good and seeing as you are super happy in your new relationship now, he's decided to give it a shot and see where you stand on dating him again. That's why he was holding your hand the second you were alone together, and that's why he's trying to plant ideas into your head that you and your new man aren't the right fit.

The only reason that he called you a perfectionist is because you told him he was immature. You basically rejected him straight away. Now that he's put his feelers out there and they've been clipped off, you know where you stand in your friendship with him...and now you can also understand why it's difficult for guys and girls to be friends...someone usually gets hurt.

Be straight with him. You obviously enjoy his friendship, but as soon as your new man starts vibing him, you are going to have to make a choice. I would have a nice heart to heart and ask him if he wants to remain being friends - just friends with you.

Ask him If that's something he can handle. Also make sure he understands that being your friend means being supportive about your new relationship that you are very happy in. Give it some time and see if he's still around. If so, then you've got yourself a buddy. If not, then you know he really wants more.

As far as being confused, here's my advice. I don't think that you should give your ex another shot. Remember that he's an ex for a reason . Give it a go with the new guy that makes you laugh and that so far "says and does all the right things." Let go of your old baggage and enjoy falling in love! It's the highest of all highs.

Join The Conversation
ishtar ishtar 10 years
I agree with everyone who posted. Ditch the ex at least for a while, don't jeopardize what you have with your new guy for the immature one. You really did become friends for a reason and i would say that maybe you want to try again with him if not for the fact you have a new guy so, because of that, try to put distance between you two. remember, both people have to want to hang out, don't let him sucker you or guilt you into it. Its really hard to put distance between exes because of sentiment but trust me, it is good to finally do it because it can just drag on and on. Also, your time spent with your ex may make the new guy jealous..would you like it if he spent a bunch of time with his ex? i would hope not!
JustSomeChick JustSomeChick 10 years
As Dear and others have said, he's your ex for a reason. I ruined the best relationship I have ever been in by remaining friends with an ex. Lose the ex, move on with the promising new boyfriend!
sofi sofi 10 years
you need time with your man without this 'friend' in the picture in any way. Jealosy is a miserable thing. Whatever you do- be honest with the new beau if he asks questions or doesn't like your relationship with the ex. Good luck
nicachica nicachica 10 years
at the very least, you should cool off with the ex for awhile so you can focus on your new man. by the way, i'm just curious as to why your new man doesn't seem to mind you going to movies and museums with your ex? don't you want to do that with your boyfriend? i also think this is a case of the ex wanting what he can't have. he probably kept you as a friend because he still wanted you in your life one way or another. he does sound immature but he also doesn't seem like a total jerk (unlike more than a few of my exes!) so be gentle! Good luck!
Le-Luxe Le-Luxe 10 years
I have been in a similar situation- trust me. Exes are exes for a reason. Enjoy your new love, and see where things take you!
Critty Critty 10 years
Good advice Dear! If your ex isn't supporting your new man, then he's not really a friend is he?
SweetPeasMom SweetPeasMom 10 years
Ryan Reynolds looks so young in that pic.
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