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Parents Disapprove of Living With Fiance

Group Therapy: Parents Disapprove of Me Moving in With Fiancé

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I am in a long-distance relationship with my fiancé while I attend graduate school. We are finally in a position where he could move down here with me, but we can't get married until this summer. When my parents found out they were very upset. 

Both are very religious and are insulted by the idea of their daughter "living in sin." It would have a pretty big stigma with my entire family and hometown community. Also, when I went to graduate school, my parents bought a condo in the town that I live in and pay rent. So the idea that we would be living together in their condo . . .

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Anyways, I'd appreciate some insight on how to communicate to my parents that this is something that is going to happen, and how to handle the potential fallout.

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MissSushi MissSushi 6 years
Sorry, but the its their condo thing is crap. She clearly states that they were in a better position for a loan for the deed, and that SHE is the one paying for it. My dad cosigned for my first car, but i paid for it and it was MINE. Just like that condo is hers. It's not a gift they gave to her and shes just milking it. I HATE when 30 people post on something without reading the comments or the full story and just jumping the gun. Poster - Just sit down and tell your parents that you truly respect their values, but that they are their values. You have your own set of principles and life goals, and that you as an responsible adult, will be living by those principles. Explain that you love them and everything they've done for you while raising you, but that its time for you to hop the nest. The statement about the kids is correct. Its a fine line on the things you allow your parents to have control over you as an ADULT, and it will continue to grow if you let it. I moved in with my now husband when i was 19. My parents were furious and slandered him. I told them flat out I was an adult, we were in a relationship, and that was that. They didn't talk to me much for 6 months. I stuck by my guns and didn't let anything they said pressure me or make me think twice about my situation. They eventually realized I was an adult, and the decisions were mine to make.
HollyJRockNRoll HollyJRockNRoll 6 years
Oh, and who doesn't break the rules at the apartment complex? My neighbor smokes pot-clearly that isn't allowed. We aren't suppose to have candles but I certainly have my share of Yankee Candles. Some rules are freaking dumb! Sorry about the rant. I hate the whole living in sin crap.
HollyJRockNRoll HollyJRockNRoll 6 years
I don't understand this "its their condo" crap. Apartment renters-if your landlord suddenly came into your apartment unannounced and took a shower, you'd be mad, right? Why? Because you are renting the freaking place and have rights! This is no difference. The posters parents only did this for her because she couldn't get a loan any other way.
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 6 years
Open communication is usually the answer, but not always. You could tell your parents he just 'visits' you a lot, not that he's actually living there. They'll know you're probably lying, but they may not challenge you on it. Since they know you're getting married, they may be willing to ignore the "living in sin" set up as long as you don't articulate what's actually going on--or rub it in their faces. Let them save face by giving them a way to rationalize it to themselves and they may go for it.
KrisB KrisB 6 years
I agree with everyone else that it's disrespectful to bring your fiance to live in your parents condo when they don't agree with it. There is no way to handle the fall out. They have expressed how they feel, you and your fiance obviously don't care and he will be moving in anyway. Sticky situation. The only thing to do is make your decision, stick with it and move on. I'm sure they will love you no matter what, sin and all. lol. Time is your best bet, remember they can't be mad forever.
Natalie-Love Natalie-Love 6 years
I think everyone is missing the point that her parents bought this condo and now rent it to her. Do your landlords have say in who you have sex with? Fuck no... If my landlord came to me and told me "I know you're paying for this place but it's MINE, and I don't like that boyfriend of yours coming and having sex in MY house", you guys think it's alright? They're being bossy because they think they still have control over their daughter, and the house is just an excuse...
Studio16 Studio16 6 years
If they're paying for your condo, then they get to decide who lives there. I disagreed with the above poster's statement "imagine what it will be like when you have kids." Unless they're paying for your kids, it certainly won't be the same thing. Their house. Their rules. Deal with it or leave.
theCatsPajamas theCatsPajamas 6 years
You're an adult, you're in a committed, adult relationship. Your parents gave you a condo to live in, that was very nice of them to do, but you absolutely cannot let them call the shots in your life. If your parents feel that holding the deed to the condo that YOU pay for means that they can dictate your lifestyle, then you should nip that in the bud right now. Imagine what it will be like when you have kids! It's time to sit down with your parents and tell them that you are aware of their concerns and you understand them, but you and your partner have made the decision to live together before the wedding. If living with your boyfriend means your parents will kick you out of the condo, then tell them you're sorry to hear that, and go get your own place. Most likely, your parents won't turn you out into the street. Then you draw the line in the sand and refuse to engage in conversations about your relationship.
lickety-split lickety-split 6 years
you can get married now. go to the court house and get married; done. you'll be just as married as if you had the big expensive wedding. i had a friend that did this and only told her parents (they were throwing a fit). then, 2 years later they had their big wedding. by the time they got married in front of everyone, most people knew. but it was important to them that they had the big party. it was a fun wedding.l everyone happy.
onlysourcherry onlysourcherry 6 years
My parents, though not particularly religious, have very traditional values and are against me living with anyone until I'm married. My relationship with my parents is just so important to me that I decided to just play by their rules and wait it out. I figure that, once we're married we'll be living together for some 60 years, so I can stick it out a few more months to keep all of those relationships harmonius.
DazzleDe DazzleDe 6 years
Even though you are paying rent on the condo, it still is in your parents' name. It's THEIR condo and you are TENANT. So, yes, their roof, their rules. I don't agree with the suggestion of getting a quit claim deed or special warranty deed in your name, because even if you did that, the mortgage would still be in your parents name and would still be your parents responsiblity if you defaulted. If you are not in a position where you can outright buy it and have your name on the mortgage as long as you live there, you are living under your parents roof. And you didn't even mention if your parents were going to pay for the wedding, because do you really want to piss them off and then turn around and expect them to pay for the wedding? I'm sorry but it doesn't sound like you are living independently of your folks so you can't really throw the fact that you are an adult in their faces.
HollyJRockNRoll HollyJRockNRoll 6 years
Poster, I reread your comment again. I didn't catch it being financially harder on them part. Here is what you say to them: Mom and Dad, I love and respect you. I appreciate what you have done for me. I need you to accept the fact that I am getting married. I love this man. I want us to start our lives together and I want to do it in the condo that I AM paying for. I don't want to make things hard for you, but you are making things harder for me. I am officially asking for you to transfer the deed into my name so you can feel free of helping me "live in sin" with my fiance. If you don't want to accept my offer, I am giving you two months notice about moving out. I love you, but I will not allow you to force your religious beliefs on me. I am an adult, which you raised. Please have some faith that you raised me right and that I know what I am doing.
HollyJRockNRoll HollyJRockNRoll 6 years
Poster, I REALLY relate to your post. I read the comment you posted as well, and hear what you are saying. Is it possible to allow your boyfriend to stay with you "unofficially" until you are done with school and can fully take responsibility for the condo? You are paying for the condo, so in my opinion it is YOURS!!!!!!!! Is there a way you can transfer the deed over into your name??? I feel that, especially in this economy, making things financially harder on yourself for the sake of making a statement, may be foolish. You pay for the place so you have the right to do what you want. Look into getting the deed in your name. If you can't, maybe you can look into finding a smaller or cheaper place on your on. You're parents have the right to their opinion but as you said you are an adult and you are marrying the man. I think a lot of people have forgotten how difficult it is to get crap these days when you are young. Places don't want to give loans or credit cards. I use to have to have a co-credit card with one of parents and they use to have to co sign for my apartments till I was about 24. It sucks. I don't agree with everyone on here to respect their rules because you are paying for the place. If they were paying then I'd say you have to respect it and look to either move out or hold off on living together. But since they arn't paying.... I get where your folks are coming from, but you are an adult with a boyfriend. Do they think you are a virgin???? What is the difference with you and your boyfriend sleeping together and spending the night, to you doing all the same stuff and also sharing bills? Not much. Maybe if you speak with your parents AND give them a set date for the wedding they will be willing to give the deed to the condo to you and your fiance. If not, you may want to consider trying to find your own apartment. I know its not as good as owning your own place, but right now you are sort of the loser because you're paying the bills, but not reaping the rewards of being on your own. You pay, your rules, ya know?
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 6 years
I think that making decisions based on your beliefs and sticking to them is important, even in the face of disapproving parents. They're your parents, and they want you in their life. That gives you leverage to play by your own rules, not theirs. I think you can go about it the right way, and say that although you respect their opinion, you're an adult and you get to make your own decisions now. As for the house, if you're paying rent, then yeah, you are paying your own way. However, if they use that as a threat, then say you will move out. Of course, you have to be willing to move out for the sake of your principles. If you're not willing to do that, then perhaps this isn't the road worth taking right now. Good luck.
HisGoldenEyes HisGoldenEyes 6 years
If you're concerned about the difficulty of them trying to sell the condo if you move out, why don't you officially purchase it from them? Have a contract drawn up and notarized, and begin using your rent as a "mortgage payment". This doesn't mean that you have to use a realtor and get a mortgage... if your parents support you living on your own, then they should support this... It would be like they are your bank, so they really shouldn't be out anything at all, and you are not faced with the task of finding a new place... Here's my other question... you say that you and your fiancee are getting married this summer, so why does he need to move here RIGHT NOW? Could you not continue saving (I understand that living together would cut down on costs, but hear me out) for your wedding this summer, THEN move in together? Or perhaps he can move in the week before the wedding? I can't imagine your parents would be SUPER upset about that... and better yet, with THAT situation, perhaps he moves in the week before the wedding, and you stay at your parents house, just so they can't say you're living in sin?? Just a thought... Anyways, I don't see what the big rush is! My boyfriend refused to move in with me until we bought our own place. I moved out when I was 18, into a condo that my parents bought a rented to me. When we were ready, we bought the place from them and he moved in with me. I'm SO glad we did it that way, because we had time to get our finances 100% in order, and to figure out a plan of attack... I guess I just don't see what the big rush is, since you can't get married until the summer, and you were obviously raised with the outlook that you shouldn't live with someone before you're married (though you may not believe in that now, you must have believed it at some point, and surely can understand your parents' outlook), I just hope you don't move him in behind your parents' backs and do more damage..... Good Luck!
kurniakasih kurniakasih 6 years
Didn't read your post when I posted mine. If you're paying for the house, and is it under your name? (i.e. Special warranty deed). Did you guys have your agreement that it's going to be yours as you're paying rent and have the agreement notarized yet? If not, do so if you are serious about having that place as your own one day. If they have as much to lose in this, you need to suck it up and just have a frank talk that this is what's going to happen. If they disagreed, then it is what it is, they're willing to take that risk then you need to either move out and get your own place or you respect their wish and not let your fiancee move in. Sneaking around will not help. Believe me, it feels like HS all over anyway. How about just get your license now, and have your big wedding party in summer? Then you guys are legally married. That's how most of my relatives (we're Asians and religious and very traditional family) do it, well, some of my cousins anyway. Good luck.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 6 years
It's basically your parents's condo, it's their money paying your rent and so it's their rules. Like sarah said, I dislike the entitlement mentality as well as the implication of lack of respect for your parents's belief. Hey, I disagree with your parents too (btw, my parents are the same way as yours), but I respect that it's their beliefs and enough to not push it. If you want to move in to each other, how about you pay your own rent, or if your fiancee is working, how about let him pay the rent since you guys are getting married and you guys will mix finances. My parents disagreed strongly (hated it) when I got engaged and moved in with my hub (then, my fiancee), but we were paying our own way so basically they couldn't say much on that. If you agreed with NYC's suggestion about only moving your fiancee out when your parents visit, the only thing that concerns me is if your fiancee agrees to it, which means lack of integrity on his part (imho). He should want to be 'in the open' so to speak, be a man and take responsibility. And as future son-in-law, he should also have some sort of respect for your parents, they are your family and will be his soon in a few months. Plus sneaking around like that sometimes WILL get found out, what if your parents/relatives show up unannounced one day? Sneaking around/hiding will not solve your problem. Good luck. P.S. I wonder why you guys can't get marry not until summer. Another tip is to just get your marriage license now (and depending on your state--mine gave 60 days until it expired--you can either have the ceremony in summer time or basically elope then have the big wedding reception/party in the summer?). Then you guys are legally married so it's not living in sin anymore.
Epicdoodle Epicdoodle 6 years
Their condo, their rules! You can do whatever you want in your own house, but this is NOT your place, this is your parents condo! Your living in your parent's condo but despite the fact your parents don't want your fiancée living in THEIR place you still decide to invite him over to stay with you?! I'm sure even you know that its disrespectful and immature! Theirs so rule that says your fiancée has to live with you, maybe he can rent a place nearby until you guys get married or at least until one of you are financially stable enough to buy your own place!
Iuliana1730 Iuliana1730 6 years
My parents are not paying for the house. I am paying for it. They hold the deed since they were better able to get a loan. So I am already paying my own way. I could move out, but it would end up being financially harder on them trying to sell it or finding another occupant. I understand that they have principles. Doesn't everyone have principles. It's just that there has to be a point at which your parents aren't in control of your actions, when you have to grow up and decide what is best for yourself. I'm not some teen wanting to shack up with her boyfriend of 6 months.
sarah_bellum sarah_bellum 6 years
BiWife is right. It is insane and disrespectful for you to think that it's okay for you to move your fiancee into the home that your parents are paying for. Talk about an entitlement mentality. Are you prepared to start paying your own way, and possibly find another place to live as an autonomous adult? If not then just don't do this. You don't have the right to until that happens. And #2, what is the point of someone having principles if they're going to compromise them? That just doesn't seem like a legitimate criticism.
NYC10023 NYC10023 6 years
I was in a similar situation before my wife and I were married. We moved to a city for work and since I travel 5 days a week, got a place together to save money. Her parents were very upset by the notion that their daughter would live in sin. I can tell you that it did not get better until we actually got married. Her father was a complete asshole to me the entire time we lived together. Once we were married, everything was fine and the subject never came up again. The problem with overly religious people is they have no ability to compromise on their principles. And depending on how zealous they are in their beliefs, they are never going to accept the situation and might even try to evict you. You could put your fiancee's things in storage and have him stay in a hotel when your parents visit, but I am not sure lying to them is any better than "living in sin". I don't know your parents, but I suspect once you are married, the problem will solve itself. But, if you are in one of these perpetual engaged states, with no set date for the wedding, you may be in for a long road of grief. This was probably no help, but I went through it and at the end of the day, they are your parents and they love you. Eventually it will be ok. And trust me -- they probably won't tell anyone in your hometown or family as they will view this as a reflection on their parenting skills.
BiWife BiWife 6 years
As long as they're putting a roof over your head, it's their house, their rules. My hubby & I were pressed into marriage by our extended and immediate families (we were going to get married eventually, but pushed up the date to put an end to their nagging). But the whole time we were living together we were in our own home and living financially independent from our folks. Look at moving into your own place or put off living together and respect your parents wishes in their homes.
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