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Pregnant and Don't Know What to Do

Sunday Confessional: I'm Pregnant and Don't Know What to Do

This week's confession comes from our anonymous Confession Booth group in the TrèsSugar Community. Weigh in with your advice below.

Hello. I am 32 and live in a new city by myself. I have been living here for about one year so far. I have been dating people off and on and rarely ever have intimate contact. Well last month, I was with 2 guys (at least 3 weeks apart). One guy was an ex from my hometown and the other guy is someone new that I recently started dating 2 months ago. Well, the problem is that I don't know which one I conceived with. I'm so ashamed. The sex was safe except a few times with new guy, it was not. Also, I'm dealing with the anniversary of a time in my life where my last boyfriend beat me up and nearly killed me and I think I was just reaching out for physical security. I've never been pregnant and this is all new for me.

Keep reading for the rest of the story.

I am not committed to either one and am having serious doubts about telling either one that I am pregnant. I want to end it because this was not planned and the pill totally backfired. What a joke. I found out yesterday and am so freaked out. I am considering the option of keeping it just because I'm not getting any younger and some women can't have a child. I am not settled at all in relationships and can't believe this happened while dating. I'm still pretty early, like 2 or 3 weeks. I don't know if I should tell the two guys because I'm scared that they may challenge me or just treat me like trash and offer me money to get rid of it. Come to think of it, I haven't even heard from either one of them in over 2 weeks.  I also am afraid of what people may think. That I came all this way to get this great job and now I'm knocked up and don't know who the daddy is. I don't want to spend a pregnancy with this question and shame hanging over me. I don't want to spend a life raising a child a lone and constantly fighting for child support. I don't want to be a single mother. Frankly, I don't feel attached and already contacted a clinic to schedule an appointment to discuss my options.  I am not married and I hate that I'm not even in a relationship. This would be so much easier if I were in a relationship with the guy. Help me please. And PS. I'm afraid to talk to anyone I know because I'm not really close with my mother and don't want my friends to know this. They are all married with kids  and living cookie cutter lives and this would be just another excuse to look down on me . . . Poor . . . so and so . . . she's still single and pregnant . . . Shaking their heads . . . Then I think of the defenseless life inside of me. Don't even know what to do . . . Any advice is appreciated.

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PrincessJoii PrincessJoii 4 years
Im 25 Years old, married, and pregnant. You would think i would be one of the happiest woman ever, but im not. Im sad and very depressed. A few months ago my husband steped out of our marrage. He wasnt one of the best husbands in the world but he knew what he wanted an at a time i just knew i wasnt it. From the argueing, to the name calling, to staying out all night, to not coming home at all. I begged an pleaded, went thru nervous brake downs an all an nothing would seem to bring him back to me. I saw all the signs, text msg an pictures too, still i stayed. I think what took the cake for me was while we made love he would call me his new gf's name. After that i allowed myself to open up an fall for someone else. I have been dating this new man for 3 months now an he's just too wonderfull, nothing like my husband. I can say im truly happy. I dont know how long my happiness will last with him because were so new to this relationship, but it feels good to be with him. Long story longer, I ended up finding the one thing that would make my husband act like he loved me an had some sence, an that was to get over him. (over him i thought) I didnt care about his where abouts nor what time he came home cuz i was never there myself. Now i feel like im totally in love with this man but still love my husband. We've been married for 6 years how could i throw this away unhappy or not. I dont want anything to happen to my husband. I say that because we live in my appartment, an he doesnt have a car to get back an forth to work with, and my bf wants me to move in with him an be a family (oh yeah im 7weeks pregnant) I dont know what to do. Ive wanted a child ever since i was one, and ive always wanted to be married, but happy..... I love my husband but on so many levels i feel the grass is so much greener on the other side.     Im stressing myself an my baby out an im affraid that if i keep this up ill lose my bundel of joy.... Someone please help me
dikke-kus dikke-kus 6 years
If you are torn with choices you could listen to some words of advice that also are a bit cold and calculated but could lead you to a good decision. If your 21 have an abortion. If your 32 think about it. Do you ever want a baby, because at your age it could take a really long time to meet someone, settle down and have another if you wanted. By then your what, 37, 38? Then what a baby at 39 or 40? Good luck becuase at that age the chances of down syndrome are around 200 to 1 or worse. I have a baby but I could have had another. I hope you understand what I'm telling you. I am not a young woman telling you what I think, I have been through this and can tell you for sure I wish I did not have that behind me. Also forget about the money. It costs nothing the first year if you breast feed and have health insurance. It takes time and energy which you have. If you think you have enough time and love in your life, that baby could be the best thing you ever did. I can't say its easy alone. But who says you can't meet someone with a kid. I did. No problem. You should be positive and listen to the positive things about it. Don't listen to those dark comments about money and being a single mom. I can't even stand to listen to it. They are young and have time. What do they know about it anyway?
redjupe44 redjupe44 6 years
I'm sorry about your situation right now, it must be difficult. Try to look at the bright side of things. It is good you made an appointment at the clinic, I think that will help decide what's best for you. You are only a few weeks along, so take a deep breath, and realize there are worse things that could have happened. Good luck with everything, it will all work out in the end!
WarEagleNurse WarEagleNurse 6 years
Rasberry-Sorbet Rasberry-Sorbet 6 years
Hello and thank you all for the comments. I have had a few days to think this over and I have been to see the doctor. I am still freaked out but I have a better idea of when I conceived. I am thankful for the kindhearted comments and the prayers. I even understand (to a certain extent) the comments from those individuals who found it hard to conceive. I do agree with leaving judgements at the doorstep because we all make mistakes and Im sure if everyone opened their closets a bone or whole skeleton would fall out. But anyway, Im going to take some time to consider my options and will talk to both men. And to those who have been where I am now, thank you very much because it really means a lot. I feel so alone right now. I talked to one friend and all she did was listen and did not judge...But anyway...thanks...and PS...Im not promiscuous. Last year, I was beaten and didnt even know if I was going to see the daylight again, and if the side effect was one or two nights of risky behavior after all the nightmares...Then I thank God that I was alive to get through it and maybe this child is a blessing after all. The miracle is I made it and if I didnt, the baby would never have been conceived. I will pray about this and find my answer.
onlysourcherry onlysourcherry 6 years
spacekat... it cracks me up that you are criticizing people for being judgmental when you referred (and often refer) to the choice to have a more traditional family as "pedestrian" and becoming a "breeding factory."
Janine22 Janine22 6 years
I agree that you need to stop worrying about what other people think and try and decide what feels right for you. Even if you were married, or in a serious long term relationship and planned this child, you could still easily end up as a single mom, it happens ALL the time. Do not let the fact that you do not currently have a partner play too significant a role in your final decision. Obviously a child is a lot of financial stress, but they also offer you tremendous joy, love and purpose in life. Please thoroughly think through your decision and talk to your gyno about when you probably conceived and talk to a counsellor to weigh your options. Good luck in your decision. Hugs.
Bettye-Wayne Bettye-Wayne 6 years
Red's response seemed a little bit preachy to me too... Anyway, if you're lower income, having a baby can be a sound financial decision. I'm too embarrassed to say how much $$$$$ has been thrown at me over-all since I got knocked up... what with tax returns and college grants (way more than my tuition) and free health care... it's a lot. If you're higher income, I guess the extra money will be worth it. I feel guilty about it sometimes, actually. But I don't get housing or cash assistance, and I am going to college so I'm not going to rely on the system forever. It does make me wonder, though: the only difference between me and any other broke healthy 20-something is that I got knocked up. Is that really such a great accomplishment that I deserve so much? But whatever. Our country treats its low-income pro-lifers very well, it's not often you get treated well in this world so I just roll with it.
stylish55 stylish55 6 years
Also, I really resent that last bit "They are all married with kids and living cookie cutter lives and this would be just another excuse to look down on me." Those don't sound like friends to me, those sound like evil robots who you need to drop from your life You should have friends because they ENHANCE your life and lobne and support you. Not everyone who has kids live "cookie cutter lives," my married parent friends are actually really cool people who do really cool things (go backpacking with the kids, jam on the electric guitar with them, etc). Dont knock someone's decision to have a traditional family life just because you chose a different route. Sounds like you kind of look down on them the same way you think they look down on you.
stylish55 stylish55 6 years
Wow, you already admitted that sex with the new guy wasn't always safe, "The sex was safe except a few times with new guy, it was not." Then you say the pill failed you. Pretty confusing. I really wish women were better educated when it comes to protection. Every time you have unprotected sex you risk getting std's or pregnant. The pill only works if you take it the same time every day, religiously. Skipping two in a row makes you at risk, end of story. You say that you slept with the guys 3 weeks apart, which means you can absolutely figure out who the dad is based on when your last period was. Anyway, the doctor can tell you how far along you are and when you prob conceived by the 6th week so there is no reason here for you to be stressing about who the dad is - 3 weeks is pretty far apart. I strongly believe that everything happens for a reason.. You sound like someone who made a mistake when it comes to sex and has some serious issues that need to be resolved via therapy (ie, your abusive relationship). Perhaps this baby is really a gift and not a curse. Or perhaps you really just aren't ready yet for that type of responsibility, which is totally reasonable. Either way, the decision you make will affect the rest of your life, so maybe you will learn something meaningful about your life through dealing with all of this. As you mentioned, 32 is no young thing. You arent 18 anymore. I see 40 yr old women around me ALL THE TIME trying to conceive and having to use invasive surgeries and hormones to get a child they desperately want. I always thought adoption was the greatest blessing a human could do for another, as there are so many women out there that would be great moms if given the chance. Or maybe that great mom will be you. Just make sure if you decide to keep it you tell the dad - he deserves to know. And I don't think redpumpkin was being rude. I think that there are always two sides to a story and she was just sharing her own viewpoint, which is valid in its own right. We are so lucky as women today to have a CHOICE - who we sleep with, how we protect ourselves, when we want to become mothers.
Redpumpkin Redpumpkin 6 years
As a woman who had to go through five years of infertility treatment to conceive my son with my husband, I have no idea how to help you, except to say that you need to forget what everyone else thinks about your situation because you are going to hear from and meet people on both sides of the fence. Most importantly, you need to seek professional guidance from an unbiased 3rd party to discuss your options. This is an incredibly contentious issue since abortion is a choice and women, like myself, who didn't choose to be infertile see this as an incredibly careless situation. It was your choice to have sex with two different men in such a short time together, one was unprotected, and therefore, the choice was already made. You probably also need to get yourself to an OB/GYN to confirm, as close as possible, conception date, due date, and that you didn't pick up any nasty little infections/diseases along the way. Ultimately what you do with that "defenseless life inside" of you is up to you, but believe me, there are MANY more women than you know who suffer from infertility who would love to have the chance at a family through adoption...just saying...
reesiecup reesiecup 6 years
This sounds like a terrible situation. I'm sorry that you have to go through this alone. I have known many young, single mothers--some who have support and some who don't. I have also known women who did not go through with their pregnancies. They are doing well too. Neither decision is easy to make. However, if single motherhood is something you ultimately decide you want to commit to, I think it can be done. Only you can make the right decision for yourself. Don't let what others think throw you offtrack. There are hotlines and support groups you can look into should you need someone to talk to.
ShandiA17 ShandiA17 6 years
Let me just say I'm only 24 but I had this same situation happen to me I moved to a new city I just turned 22 and just finished school and was trying to get my career together and had been dating different guys and I got pregnant and my first reaction was to not keep it and not try and figure out who the father was. I went to the clinic and everything and while I was there I changed my mind and ended up with one of the guys he stuck by me through the whole thing and even though we knew the baby wasnt his it was the other guys (who wanted no part of the babies life). We had my son and It was the hardest thing ever but when i see his little face I couldnt imagine not having him. I got lucky and one of the guys stayed with me and is not rasing my son and is going to adopt him since the other guy turned out to be a complete asshole and I did loose some friends along the way but I do have some amazing friends that stuck by me and love my son and are so proud of me for being adult enough to keep him. I think you could do the same and even being a single parent you could do it. I mean no one will love you like this child its an amazing feeling. I know the doctor will be able to pretty much tell you the exact day you got pregnant and they arent off by 3 weeks ever mine was a lot closer like a few days and he still knew the exact date of conception. I think you should look at for whats best for you and the child and if you think you can't raise it then don't but also you don't want to regret it for the rest of your life and I know if I didn't have my son I would have. I think the fact that you are even struggling with this already makes you a good parent because you aren't just going to have an abortion and be over with it I think you have a lot of options to consider. I'm sure you will make the right choice whatever you decide but I know for me that I couldn't be without my son hes amazing a lot of work but hes worth it.
postmodernsleaze postmodernsleaze 6 years
I agree with Betty Wayne, Spacekat, stephley, and runningesq. This is your decision, albeit very tough, but try not to base your decision according to what you think your friends and family will think. I am very sorry you are going through this ♥
runningesq runningesq 6 years
I disagree with Betty Wayne on one point: that the doctor will be able to pinpoint the exact date of conception. Many women don't have regular cycles, and it's hard to pin down when you conceived... If you decide to keep the baby, I believe you can now do a prenatal paternity test. I agree with stephley that talking to someone right now is a good idea -- just make sure it's a real clinic and not one disguised as one that gives you choices and tells you that you are a murderer if you choose abortion. If I was in your situation I'd probably get an abortion, but this isn't my situation -- it's yours. Think about what's best for YOU.
stephley stephley 6 years
I agree with the Betty-SpaceKat contingent. Don't ask people online what you should do though. Find a non-judgmental counselor (a doctor, through a clinic...) and let them help you decide what is best for you. Being a single mother isn't that hard and there are great rewards, but what do you feel you need & want? Good luck
berberry3311 berberry3311 6 years
First of all its going to be ok. So many women, including myself, have been in this position. When it happened to me I was in a very similar situation with two guys and I did not tell either one when it was all happening. I went through with the abortion, however that was me. I was not ready and still in college. I also knew right away that I did not have a strong connection to the pregnancy and I think that is a big sign. Don't listen to all the pressure of women who are mothers and tell you that its a wonderful joy, because while motherhood is a wonderful gift you want it to be a gift not a burden. When I was battling with this decision I told two people, and one of them told me this information that really resonated with me and helped me make my final decision: it's very possible for children to sense a parent's resentment towards them even if it is subconscious. I never wanted to resent my child for any reason, so I knew that my decision was the right one. Good luck to you honey. I know how your feeling and your not alone. Remember that no matter your final decision your going to come out stronger from this and will be ok either way.
Missy626 Missy626 6 years
Doll, Everyone here has given excellent advice. You do need to vent and share thoughts with friends or people who care.. I am sorry you feel the people you call your "friends" will judge you & look down on you. Caring people do not "look down on others".. You need to stop thinking about what everyone else says & views you as. Start getting to know yourself. This pregnancy is the begining.. What do you really want? Make a list, write it down, take pictures do whatever it takes to organize your thoughts. If you want a baby, it doesnt matter that you'll be "a single mom". You have choices & are an independent woman. In regards to the dad, it most likely is the one you had unprotected sex with. If you dont have contact with him I suggest you keep this to yourself until YOU decide what you want without him as a part of your life. Peace & Love.
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