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Proposal, Ring, Nonwedding?

This post comes from Group Therapy in our TrèsSugar Community. Feel free to add your advice in the comments!
My engagement ring is a small .10-carat ring. I dislike everything about it except for the person that gave it to me, well in his eyes, I should hate him as well.

I was devastated with my proposal. Well not entirely, the best part was my daughter handing the ring over to me. The proposal took place in a parking lot. It was nothing like I had imagined or hoped it would be and then came the kicker. I opened the box only to find this small tension ring with a .10 carat, princess-cut diamond in the center. I loved the setting, hated the diamond or lack of. My initial reaction was how could he do this to me but then seeing him on one knee, my heart said the ring doesn't matter, my mind was screaming otherwise. I accepted the proposal as anyone woman would that loves the man that is asking.

Everyone gives me the inferior look when they see my ring. And those that have balls actually say something about the ring. I am embarrassed when showing it off, worst of all I can’t even take of picture of it because the pictures don’t come out. My impending wedding has no date, venue, and any question involving has remained unanswered after three months. Everything went south ever since the proposal. Partially because of my resentment and the other part is his lack of interest in even planning a wedding. Plus everything he looks at is out of our price range. We love each other dearly, but I am just so upset at the entire thing. We have tried communicating about all these issues and it’s just making things worse. Am I overreacting or do I have reason to be upset about everything?

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Source: Flickr User ragz

Join The Conversation
Yesi-Jukebox Yesi-Jukebox 7 years
You don't need to get married to be happy. If things were great before you got engaged and you truly love each other then put off the wedding for a while. Who says that you have to start planning your wedding now? And as for the people who dont like your ring - who cares? That's not what a marriage is about, and I'm assuming what you want is a happy marriage not an extravagant wedding.
Tibbi12 Tibbi12 7 years
The look of the ring and when your wedding will be should not weigh as heavily upon you as the things that truly matter -- that you and he are togeher, in love and that you have a daughter who loves you and has a chance at knowing someone who may turn out to be a wonderful father to her. My boyfriend proposed to me in his bed, with the ring coming about one month later. Despite the fact that a wedding has not as yet been had, what I learned from him is that if you allow yourself to be bogged down with material values and other people's opinions losing sight of what is truly important between you and your guy will nonetheless happen. Focus on what truly matters and cherish every second of it while you still have it. Everything else will fall into place at the right time.
travelgirly travelgirly 7 years
Why is she being critised for merely asking for advice? Karlotta you sound like a real loser who has obviously been overlooked by most men and sound desperate to marry anyone! I don't think she is being materialistic and after reading her most recent post 1/13 her boyfriend could afford a WII and sounds like he has a job. She obviously lives in a developed nation, so what is wrong with wanting a decent ring? Tiny rings ARE normally bought by people who are extremely poor or ill, have unplanned pregancies or are very young. Good to hear your now getting the half carat, good luck with the wedding :)
dikke-kus dikke-kus 7 years
Well, when my fiance asked me he didn't have a ring. But he made the whole thing very romantic and asked me in a special place. Later he bought me a ring. The thing that bothers me the most is how your fiance asked you. It seems he put no thought into it, and it seems to be lacking. That would really bother me a lot. It would really eat away at me like it is you already. If you decide to go through with it, I think things like that will keep happening. He goes on, clueless and continues to kill you with tiny disappointments. Like the stars in the sky those tiny disappointments can be. The ring part can be resolved. Tell him you'd rather have a solid gold band, or add a really nice diamond to match on the wedding day. Clean, classic and affordable.
danakscully64 danakscully64 7 years
I think it was the American generalization and stereotype comment that did it. Not everyone here is like that.
Lyv Lyv 7 years
It's alright... Haha I didn't sound that conceited did I ? I could have also rambled about the patriarchal aspect of making a man feel ashamed if he doesn't shed enough money to prove how well he can provide for his family, cause everyone knows that's HIS job and his job alone. But nope, I didn't even go there. (:
runningesq runningesq 7 years
wow, Lyv, how's the view from your high horse ?
Lyv Lyv 7 years
I for one think Americans are embarrassingly obsessed with wedding rings and ceremonies. If you can't get past a cheap ring and a less-than-fantabulous proposal maybe you shouldn't be marrying him at all, I mean, it doesn't sound like real love. Sorry.
danakscully64 danakscully64 7 years
I think if the proposal was special and he was excited to plan the wedding, the diamond size wouldn't have mattered. SOMETHING should have been exciting for her. I think almost every woman dreams of her engagement being memorable (in a good way). You could always upgrade the ring, that's a minor thing. Especially in this economy, right now material things aren't important. I do tell my guy though that I've been waiting for more than 5 years for my proposal, that rock better be bigger than my hand!! (I'm kidding, of course)
sparklestar sparklestar 7 years
Can somebody explain to me why she shouldn't get hung up over the ring? I'd be DEVASTATED if my boyfriend proposed to be in a car park with a cheap ring! Does he not think I'm worth anything more?! In his own words he said - I won't be buying you an engagement ring until I can afford a nice one. I believe in tradition and I want to show you how much you are worth to me. The ring is a COMMITMENT to PROVIDE and if it's cheap and tacky then basically you're doomed for failure!! The ring is important because she has to wear the thing for the rest of her life. I would have confronted him immediately over the crappiness of it & asked him why on earth he was proposing if he can't even afford a ring. Why not wait to get engaged? Who gets engaged when they can't afford a decent ring anyway?
Anne26 Anne26 7 years
To me if you love someone diamond size does not matter. I would wear a ring with no diamond when I truly love someone.
danakscully64 danakscully64 7 years
Wow, I can't believe how many judgmental people we have on Tres Sugar. Stop with the name calling, she's coming here for advice and support, NOT blatant criticism. You can disagree, but the comments about her being "a horrible person" and "having problems" are uncalled for and say a lot about the character of those people. Shame on you. Thank you for giving us an update, OP, glad it all worked out :) He definitely overpaid for 1/10 carat, even if it was colorless, it shouldn't have been more than $200. You can always return it and get something different at another jewelry store. Definitely shop around and at many places, you can EASILY talk down the listed price.
cordata cordata 7 years
As others have mentioned, it seems like the lack of thought or planning is what bothers you most. I'm assuming that the size of the diamond is worrisome because for the same price he could have bought a nicer ring with a different stone or if he saved a bit it would have been in his budget to buy you something more expensive. This is obviously affecting your excitement over the wedding. If you really want to marry him, you need to TALK TO HIM and tell him how you feel, because otherwise you'll just end up resenting him even more.
GMarie GMarie 7 years
Here's the thing - I don't know this poster or her situation, but if she's "hurt" by the size of the ring and the proposal and has made that so abundantly clear to her fiance that he "thinks she should hate him", imagine how hurt HE must be. If I had put what funds I could afford into a ring and proposal only to be told repeatedly that it wasn't good enough, I probably wouldn't be all that interested in planning a wedding with that person either. Marriages start in many different ways, and this idea we're fed that it's all got to be "perfect" sets an impossible standard. The engagement and wedding can be fun, but, as many have said, it's the least important part of the whole marriage package. There's a long, long life after the "big day", and that should be the focus.
nyxmoxie nyxmoxie 7 years
People here are way too judgmental. Original Poster whomever you are, don't let the meanies get to you. If a small ring is bothering you then its bothering you. I imagine that you don't need a huge wedding ring, but no one wants a crappy wedding ring. I feel you on this one. And yes I would be concerned if he doesn't want to plan the wedding, it could be that most men aren't into wedding plans. Its mostly the girls that are. Just tell your fiance that you don't want a huge wedding ring, but you do want a nicer one that your current one. It could be that the poor guy is broke and he did the best he could, if that's the case, give the poor man a break. Maybe he doesn't want to talk much about the wedding because he did the best that he could with the money that he had. Its the recession and things aren't going well for most of us. Maybe he already feels bad that he couldn't get you a nicer wedding ring. But I hope you don't think that a ring and a huge wedding don't make the marriage, lots of people drop thousands of dollars on wedding rings and weddings and they still end up divorced. The average wedding these days costs $30,000. However I understand the need for a nice ring, so just tell him how you feel. Oh and drop the friends who made horrible comments, its not their relationship. It was none of their business either. True friends should stand by you and understand your circumstances. Good luck whomever you are. :)
ella1978 ella1978 7 years
Anon 32: My fiance got it online, there are a TON of places. It depends on the type of stone you are looking for. MOISSANITE is one of the most popular man made stones now a days, and you can find them all over the place. there is actually a moissanite.com that can direct you where to buy them in your neighborhood. Even Target carries some. For something that is big and sparkly you can look at spending 100-300 dollars as opposed to in the thousands. They even will sell them in gold settings too, so that they last a long time. Good luck! And feel free to PM me if you need help. Sorry to the OP for hijacking your thread a bit!
amelioratelj amelioratelj 7 years
I'm sorry, but this is RIDICULOUS. What has happened in our culture to make us women fixate on the RING being the most important thing?! The ring doesn't MATTER! The man matters, the relationship matters, the trust matters, the love matters. The ring is a SYMBOL for all of those things, and it certainly shouldn't be the focus of your relationship. I think you need to do some serious soul searching and ask yourself if you are entering marriage for ANY of the right reasons, or if you just want a nice big sparkly toy to show off to your friends. Maybe you should be asking yourself if you love him, instead? If you can trust him and rely on him and care for him? Call me old-fashioned, but Jesus.
likethedirection likethedirection 7 years
Some of the responses are so mean! Just because she doesn't like the ring doesn't mean she's a horrible person! My boyfriend told me that I BETTER tell him if I don't like the ring so we can go exchange it together. An engagement ring is something you want to feel 100% proud of and WANT to show to everyone. It's not about being materialistic. I think most people would want everything to be beautiful about their engagement and wedding...romancit proposal, nice ring, beautiful ceremony, good food, nice decor. It's not because we're all materialistic, it's because we want it to be as special and perfect as it can be. I'm sure any guy would be disappointed to know that he made a poor choice in rings, but I'm sure they'd be even more disappointed if they knew that you were wearing something you were embarrassed of.
green-socks green-socks 7 years
My guy is pretty noncommittal with dates and planning too. He's not a planner, and he doesn't care whether it's a spring wedding or a fall wedding or whether it's in his hometown or Timbuktoo. It doesn't stop me from including him, but to him, it doesn't matter *how* we do it, just that we get married. Maybe your guy is the same way. Maybe he's stressed at the prospect of the cost. If he is going out and looking at venues that are out of your price range, maybe he is feeling down on himself for not being able to have those places as options. My point is, talk to him! Consider couple's counseling -- a place where you can talk about how you are feeling with him and he can respond. If you really want to spend the rest of your life with this guy, holding on to resentment now is not going to cut it!
MsChoo MsChoo 7 years
And if you think people are judging you by the size of your ring, get new friends, and if you don't know them? Who cares? you're the one "getting married". If you don't do something about the ring and end up getting married, dont have kids. You may hate your kid if it comes out ugly.
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