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Is It Really OK to Settle?

Here's a post from OnSugar blog The Date Doctor.

So yesterday was D-day, the day Lori Gottlieb's book, Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough was released. As a relationship therapist, coach, and dater myself — I am VERY interested in hearing others' thoughts about this. Are men (or women depending on your preference) really like old Kleenex that we readily toss away at the beginning of a flu, but then begin sorting back through the bunch for one that's not so used up? (Not that I have ever done anything like this.) Watch this video and let me know what you think.

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GMarie GMarie 7 years
I should clarify - I do NOT mean that "any man will do" - just that no one is perfect!
GMarie GMarie 7 years
Looks change. Sex waxes and wanes. Marriage is WORK, wonderful, sometimes difficult, absolutely worthwhile work. It's not black or white - it's a sea of gray, human quirks and emotions and changing and never ends. A true partner is not just someone who meets all the requirements on your checklist, it's someone who sees clear to the very bottom of you as a person - ugly parts and all - loves you as a whole person, and who sincerely desires to do that work with you for the rest of your lives. I think that if you, yourself are not willing to do the same with someone, then perhaps they are NOT the person to hitch your wagon to permanently. It's a two way street. Assuming that we are perfect princesses that any man would be LUCKY to have is unrealistic - we're all people! Just my very humble opinion. :)
filmgirl81 filmgirl81 7 years
The daily beast had a great rebuttal article about this. While I agree with most of your comments, if you read what her message is, it is actually more offensive, and does encourage settling. She makes men look bad too by making middle aged bald men in general seem like the type of guy you settle for. It's sad all around
bryseana bryseana 7 years
Again, this kind of pressure is never applied to men. George Clooney, Hugh Hefner, Leonardo DiCaprio, etc...They're all charming bachelors. Yet women in their thirties and beyond who haven't settled down are old maids. Oh the horror. I hate the notion that women have to hurry up or no one will want them. Give me a break. Double Standards 101.
GlowingMoon GlowingMoon 7 years
No, it's not okay to settle. It's not worth it in the long run. JMHO.
totygoliguez totygoliguez 7 years
They are things that I look in a guy that I'm not willing to give up. But many times women create these unrealistic expectations about a man that are not healthy. But I don't think is good to settle, don't go out with a guy that is a jerk just because you are afraid to end alone.
jazzytummy jazzytummy 7 years
Wow, spacekatgal, for someone who likes to come across as some liberal, open-minded bisexual on these boards, you sure are quick to generalize about entire groups of people who are not like you. To make blanket generalizations about women in their 30's being single because THEY have issues and that white men lack the "awesome" traits your husband has...unfuckingbelievable. To me, your credibility and opinions have just taken a nosedive. But I am sure you don't care about that...after all, I am single and over 30, and have to work on my issues. Gimme a fucking break.
dikke-kus dikke-kus 7 years
I believe there's a million issues with this type of problem. Its difficult to judge the reasons behind the questions here becuase everyone is different. I try not to make any judgments one way or the other but I can appreciate what this author is trying to say. Life is brutal and when you hit 40 no ones wants you anymore. If you don't hear it from your own mother, or your friends, she's warning you now. Anyway I have a few friends I could classify in this same predicament. This group are attractive and successful. Three have bought their own homes but the only thing on their lips is someday my prince will come. The underlying feeling I get based on their conversations is that they are entitled to a "perfect man" becuase of everything they have to offer. Meanwhile they don't understand the horrible truth. Most men don't give a hoot if you own your house and wield a sword at your job. They want someone relaxed and fun and yep, sexy and young. Maybe even needy and helpless as well. Settling is not the answer. Good men are out there, but they have blinders on.
I am not a huge fan of settling...reevaluating yes, but settling no, and thats a fine line to me too, reevaluating, because you can be sitting around thinking, lonely, and reevaluating, and then settling for something that you know isn't what you wanted, justifying for all the wrong reasons, like just being lonely. So if what I said made any sense, just be careful.
mamasitamalita mamasitamalita 7 years
open mindedness and knowing yourself-- what you want out of your life and out of a partnership-- are key. totally agree with above comments, and SKG I hope you're having fun!!
lilkimbo lilkimbo 7 years
Spacekat, I know a few women in their 30's who are single completely by choice (each one of them has been proposed to at least once). So, for many women, it is a matter of not having found the right person yet.
cfp cfp 7 years
I mostly agree with the above comments. And I also wouldn't necessarily call it settling, but rather, reevaluating your expectations and being realistic. Unless you are perfect, you can't possibly expect the man you're with to be the same. And I do agree that it's about giving someone a real chance, not one date and done but getting to know someone. That's what most women hope that a man will do for them, so I think they need to extend the same courtesy to the men they date.
c4rolin3 c4rolin3 7 years
also i meant to say - eventually that spark may fade... but i'd rather know that i've committed to a life time together with my best friend than anything else
c4rolin3 c4rolin3 7 years
i definitely agree with the above two comments - that it's about keeping an open mind a woman should never settle, but when you find the right person - you'll love them for their imperfections rather than just despite them i'd advise someone to not rule anything out recently i've become completely smitten with someone who is not my usual type both looks and personality wise but i can't stop thinking about him :) sometimes, lightning strikes in the strangest of places where you really wouldn't expect it to - but it's foolish to deny that there's a spark, just because he isn't what you'd thought in your head is 'mr perfect' i think just as some people have been saying 'it's about mr right now, stop waiting for mr right' i say it's not about finding a stereotypical 'mr perfect', but a 'mr perfect for you' that matters :)
skigurl skigurl 7 years
i agree with jennibean's comment that you need to keep an open mind...just because a guy doesn't look like an abercrombie model, give him a chance. sometimes the most unlikely people are the ones who make you feel so special and make you laugh more than anyone's not settling if you give someone a chance and see what can develop
jenni5 jenni5 7 years
I don't think she's really saying settle for anyone. I think she's trying to tell women to keep their minds open and stop passing up men for stupid little things. When you meet someone when you're younger you usually spend a lot more time getting to know them (like in school, hanging out with friends, etc). When you're older you go on one or two dates, it's not really enough to get to know someone and say if they are Mr. Right or not.
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