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Reasons You're Not Married

Why You're Not Married: A Few Ridiculous Explanations

Tracy McMillian is a writer on TV shows like Mad Men and United States of Tara. She's been married three times — to "a very nice MBA," "a very nice minister's son," and "a very nice liar and cheater" — which apparently makes her qualified to offer advice to discontent single women. In a piece titled "Why You're Not Married," Tracy lists six explanations for why you're not even close to rocking a ring on your left finger. She makes a strong effort to shoot straight with single women, but I think she misses the mark a few times. Here are three examples:

  • "You're a bitch" tops the list of reasons you're not married. McMillian writes: "Here's what I mean by bitch. I mean you're angry. You probably don't think you're angry. You think you're super smart, or if you've been to a lot of therapy, that you're setting boundaries. But the truth is you're pissed. At your mom. At the military-industrial complex. At Sarah Palin. And it's scaring men off."

    McMillian thinks we should ditch our passionate opinions and act more like Kim Kardashian, "Have you ever seen Kim Kardashian angry? I didn't think so. You've seen Kim Kardashian smile, wiggle, and make a sex tape. Female anger terrifies men." I think we can agree that anger terrifies everyone, male or female. So yes, don't be angry if you want a husband or a friend for that matter.

  • "You're a slut" comes in at number three. "Hooking up with some guy in a hot tub on a rooftop is fine for the ladies of Jersey Shore — but they're not trying to get married. You are. Which means, unfortunately, that if you're having sex outside committed relationships, you will have to stop." That's decent advice for women looking for serious commitment. Why waste your time? But her explanation for why you must stop having casual sex doesn't seem right to me: "Why? Because past a certain age, casual sex is like recreational heroin — it doesn't stay recreational for long." I think women are mature enough to have casual sex without becoming addicted. If you end up being emotionally involved with someone who can't give you the commitment you want, then you should end it, but the sex itself isn't the problem if you ask me.
  • "You're selfish" is reason number five on McMillian's list. She writes: "If you're not married, chances are you think a lot about you. You think about your thighs, your outfits, your naso-labial folds. You think about your career, or if you don't have one, you think about doing yoga teacher training. Sometimes you think about how marrying a wealthy guy — or at least a guy with a really, really good job — would solve all your problems." News flash: the woman she's describing isn't married because she doesn't actually want to be married. It's not her top priority, and that's fine.
Image Source: Thinkstock
Join The Conversation
jazzytummy jazzytummy 6 years
Exactly, stephley...I appreciate that you get it.
stephley stephley 6 years
Marriage can be awesome, being single can be awesome. Both can suck. But we see far more articles like this one than we do extolling the virtues of being single I think the comment "Ah, the parade of the angrily single" led to any 'misconstruing'. To have the experience you did last night, a person doesn't need to be married. Some friends will come support you without promises of eternal love and laundry. :)
jazzytummy jazzytummy 6 years
Stephley and looseseal nailed it. I know it is hard to believe, but some people actually do not want to get married, and some of those people own vaginas. Maybe we have tried it, it didn't work, or maybe we see no point in it for us We actually can enjoy long term relationships with men, and are, gasp, ok with not walking down an aisle filled with flowers. And, surprise, surprise, some of us are actually happy with our lives. For someone to imply that if you are a single woman, you are unhappy or angry is frustrating, but I have to remember than alot of married people live in their own sphere, and judge other people's choices based on their own past experiences and emotions. Unfortunately, looking down on and judging single women is the societal norm, as I mentioned before. For anyone to judge a person's personality based on whether or not they are married is ludicrous to me....I could easily make a similar stupid generalization that most people get married because they are needy and cannot take care of themselves. I am not blasting marriage, and if people are happy with it, doesn't mean that it is the end-all for all of us and that we single women are pathetically miserable. Off to get dressed into my angry clothes and head to my angry job. Have a good one.
Pistil Pistil 6 years
I know many of the points appear to be "if you're single there's something wrong with you", but she does state that marriage will not necessarily make you happy.. And she is one to talk.
looseseal looseseal 6 years
I clicked on this because I just love the irony of a three-time divorcee giving marriage advice. It would be like if I give out advice on dancing after I tried and failed to learn three different types of dance. I for one never want to get married because I'm well aware it means making compromises and sacrifices for someone even if he gets sick or fall on hard times (something too many people who get married don't think about). If you're lucky, this someone will do the same in return, but there's no guarantee of that. Hence so many people get divorced. Why don't I skip all that and just deal with my own life? Saves a lot of trouble. Spacekatgal, what do you mean "many women don't get married because there is nothing truly interesting about them"? Most of the people I know who are married are pretty boring (or "normal" to put it in a nice way). The most interesting (or "weird") people tend to be single or co-habiting instead of getting married. The popular assumptions for why people aren't married tend to be stuff like "abnormal sexual preferences", "emotional problems" and/or "too picky". "Not interesting" is certainly a different take on it. Stephley, so much agreement to what you said. I know, right? This kind of article tend to frame the whole thing like only the superior people are chosen to join the ranks of the sacred married, when in fact plenty of bitchy, shallow, slutty, lying, selfish, horrible people are married. That's not to say married people all suck. I'm simply saying relationship status doesn't tell you as much about someone's character as too many people assume (and make an ass out of themselves assuming). The divorce rate would be a lot lower if NOT getting married is something that is more widely respected as a valid way to live. But if that happens, people who write articles and books on "how to snag a mate" for a living wouldn't have jobs. Dating services for cheating spouses wouldn't have as many customers. The wedding industry could collapse (divorces and remarriages are good for business). Perpetuating the stigma is profitable for some.
stephley stephley 6 years
I'm happily-by-choice single Spacekat: I've cringed at drunken confessions by married friends to several of the scenarios I listed. I've been propositioned by their spouses. I've told close male friends that I prefer we freeze the relationship there. Marriage should be too important to be some b.s. competition.
jazzytummy jazzytummy 6 years
Anyone single woman who thinks that all of her married friends are "happier" than she is is delusional. I know too many unhappily married couples, believe me, and those people would kill to be single. There are happily single people as well as happily married people, it is just not acceptable in our society for a woman to be happy without a ring on her finger. The stigma remains. If you are unhappy in your single life, it is on YOU. Marriage is definitely not for everyone, and to presume people stay single because they are not "interesting" is just insulting. This chick walked down the aisle three times..BFD. That's the easy part. Try staying married to the same man for 30 or so years, and then talk about relationship success. And to use Kim Kardashian, that living fuck doll, as an example? Please. Your credibility just took a big fat dump.
Epicdoodle Epicdoodle 6 years
This women has three divorces under her belt which makes her qualified to give relationship advice how? Also Kim kardashian isn't married, its ironic how she used Kim as an example because if you watched her show you'll know how self involved and slutty she is!
stephley stephley 6 years
Why don’t we ever see articles about the real reasons many people marry (or end up as serial brides…)? How about an article that deals with people who panic at the thought of being alone and marry the first person who asks? The people who secretly plan on quitting work not long after the wedding? The people who marry for security or status? The people who marry because they’re about to turn 30? The people who stay in unsatisfying/unhappy marriages because they’re afraid they’ll never get a second shot? The people who marry because that’s what’s expected? The people who marry to hide the possibility that they’re gay? In any event, all McMillan seems to know is how to get married, not stay married, which to my mind, defeats the purpose.
whats-her-name whats-her-name 6 years
I've got a word or two for this lady: "if you've been married three times, it might just be you."
mondaymoos mondaymoos 6 years
No kidding. Six should've been highlighted instead of left out of this. Do I think most of the advice is crap? Yes, definitely. But the advice "marriage in and of itself isn't going to make you happy" is a true fact.
Pistil Pistil 6 years
I wanted to criticize her advice, but #6 on the list is actually spot on. I wish you had chosen to highlight that part because I think it applies to the single and the married. But yeah, Kim Kardashian is a bad example.
atraditionalist atraditionalist 6 years
I don't think Kim Kardashian gets very many marriage proposals. In fact she's still single. Although it's good advice to generally not try to be an angry freak. Just not to the extent of being Kim Kardashian lol
onlysourcherry onlysourcherry 6 years
I think that the main reason most of my single friends are single is because they are unhappy with their own lives. Have to believe in the product you're selling, ladies.
zeze zeze 6 years
Just read the whole article, this part is totally, 100% true, and because I know this, that's why there is a third group of women out there besides married, single and looking - there is "single and avoiding" lol - "You're just going to need to get rid of the idea that marriage will make you happy. It won't. Once the initial high wears off, you'll just be you, except with twice as much laundry. Because ultimately, marriage is not about getting something -- it's about giving it. Strangely, men understand this more than we do."
lickety-split lickety-split 6 years
so...rather than "all the single ladies" it should be, "whiny-slutty-bitches"? :rotfl: and um, kim IS single so :raspberry:
zeze zeze 6 years
Her advice is silly and mostly wrong, I mean since when is being divorced a prerequisite for giving relationship advice, that is proof that you fail at relationships, at least the single people don't have losses going against them. That said, there are kernals of truth to her statements. The anger issue is true, anger is less appealing and less acceptable for women that it is for men. Men can be angry and loud and seem macho or masculine, so it isn't a relationship barrier for them. Her last point is true too, I feel like I fall into this category perfectly, and I don't apologize for it. I described it to my mom just last night saying that I feel like getting married and having a family would be unnatural. I feel like human beings are naturally selfish beings (we can't help but look out for our own self interest - having a family would be nothing more than fighting our natural instincts.). She is way off base saying "selfish" women are those who think about marrying rich, that's not selfish to me, that's lazy and irresponsible - selfish to me is being to preoccupied with your own wants and needs and you don't want to have to put anyone else's needs before you.
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