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Relationship Protocol: Secrets

When people are in serious relationships, the rules for whether they can or should share their friends' secrets are complicated. In one way it seems completely natural, but then again, a secret is a secret, right? If a good friend is in a serious relationship, and I tell her a secret, I assume she’ll tell her significant other — whether she actually does, I don’t know, but I always make that assumption. If it's something that I don't want him to know, then I don't tell her.

But I realize the rules on this differ from person to person. So tell me, if you tell a friend something, do you assume she’ll tell her significant other? And for those of you in a relationship, do you spill the beans to yours? What should the protocol be when it comes to sharing secrets with your significant other?


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Poster-of-a-Girl Poster-of-a-Girl 9 years
same, i would tell a boyfriend (almost) everything unless specifically told not to tell him either. And I assume the same of my friends. However with my ex, i used to tell him everything, and he would keep his friends' secrets and not tell me, and it really pissed me off! haha
remedios remedios 9 years
I guess it would depend on what it is, but for the most part, I'll share, unless of course the person says, "You can't tell anyone, not even your hubby." Then I definitely wouldn't. But I guess this thread should make everyone realize that when you say something to a friend, even if you might not be the sharing type, your friend might be so make no assumptions. If you don't want your friend to share with the boyfriend/husband, be explicit about that.
juicylove juicylove 9 years
some people i know tell their SO everything, but i just dont tell those people personal things. i wouldnt tell if it was something serious or personal about a friend, and especially not if they specifically told me not to tell him.
JaimeLeah526 JaimeLeah526 9 years
I tell my husband pretty much everything. If it was something that my friend told me not to tell I'd still have a hard time not saying anything. Why would I risk ruining my relationship with my husband (who is my best friend) over something silly like this. If it was something involving his friends or family that my friend didn't want them to know than I wouldn't because I wouldn't want to put him in that position. None of my friends really have significant others to tell my secrets too but if I didn't want people to know I wouldn't tell my secret.
kiwishe kiwishe 9 years
If someone tells a "secret", it should be stated as a secret and I expect the other person to state the specific person with whom not to mention it to, otherwise it's fair game. And yes, I do tell my significant other of these "secrets". If it's really a secret, then it should never have been mentioned.
aimeeb aimeeb 9 years
If I tell a close friend something it is between that person and myself. If I wanted their significant other to know I'd tell them myself. I just think regardless if they've been together forever or not, a secret or things between my friend and myself are just that between the two of us. I do not share my friends secrets with my boyfriend of 4 yrs. It's none of his business. I'd like to think others would feel the same way.
snowbunny11 snowbunny11 9 years
Ugh, the worst secret my boyfriend ever told me was that his friend was cheating on my friend (they are dating each other). I ended up telling her (she is one of my closest friends) and she and her boyfriend were pretty serious and about to graduate college and I didn't want her to make any life decisions without that knowledge. Of course, my friend and her boyfriend didn't break up over this, but my boyfriend and I got into the worst fight EVER about it! Eventually my boyfriend got so sick with his friend's behavior that he stopped hanging out with him. Ironically, I see more of this friend now because my friend is still dating him! I would say in most cases, it's okay not to tell your girlfriend things like that. I don't want to know when his friends cheat on their girlfriends, unless of course that girlfriend happens to be my best friend!
maybeimnot maybeimnot 9 years
If we have a mutual friend that doesn't say "don't tell" I will tell him. For others that he doesn't and probably won't ever really talk to (IE work, etc) beyond "hey, nice to meet you" Then I tend to dish more than I "should"
robinesque robinesque 9 years
What's the matter with you people? Men BLAB more than women! I could have my husband SWEAR that what I was about to tell him remain between the two of us. He'd swear. Next day, he will JOKINGLY mention exactly what I asked him the night before, not to!!!!! How else would he have known that little piece of info if I hadn't told him?? Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on ME! Never again!!! When a friend asks you to keep her confidentiality, she usually means your SO included. I consider myself a good friend because of my ability to keep my mouth shut. No one EVER has to ask me not to repeat what they tell me. When you can show your friend that you do not NEED to tell your SO everything she tells you, then you show her your loyalty and maturity. As far as me trusting my friends with MY "secrets", they are the biggest gossips and I tell them NOTHING!!
jodie_ohlala jodie_ohlala 9 years
Don't ever tell someone everything
rosey_y rosey_y 9 years
I have a few close girlfriends, and I do assume they'll tell their SOs and sisters (two of them recently lived with their respective sisters). I've been pleasantly surprised though - I've found out inadvertantly that none of them spilled any of the (two very juicy) secrets I've told them. They're keepers. :D
emalove emalove 9 years
I tell my husband a lot, but if a close friend tells me something personal and asks me to keep it to myself, I certainly will.
Le-Luxe Le-Luxe 9 years
I will tell my man if it's something funny- like funny gossip. Nothing serious though. If I talk serious between friends, its always stays with just me.
emmebeth emmebeth 9 years
If I'm in a serious relationship I tell the guy almost everything. Unless it would truly hurt my friend.
porkypocky porkypocky 9 years
i assume it'll get to my friend's SO eventually unless i specify not to tell him.
rpenner rpenner 9 years
I assume when I tell a girlfriend something she'll tell her SO. So if I don't want her to then I tell her not too. And they do the same to me. My boy also tells me his friends "secrets". Me and the boy know not to tell anyone else when we tell eachother things our friends say.
Pistil Pistil 9 years
I was just talking about this with friends, and we all agreed that we pretty much tell our boyfriends everything. I guess there would be some exceptions, but I know my boyfriend won't say anything.
ella1978 ella1978 9 years
I tell my BF most everything, except for my friends darkest secrets that they don't want out in public. It doesn't concern our relationship, so I don't consider it hiding something from him.
gummybears123 gummybears123 9 years
i would assume that if i say "don't tell anyone" my friends wouldn't tell anyone not even their significant others. i mean they're two separate people. vice versa if they told me to not tell anyone I would not tell my boyfriend.
almost-famous almost-famous 9 years
Doesn't matter to me...
sass317 sass317 9 years
My husband doesnt really want to know my friends secrets (relationship talk, gossip and things like that)- however I do remember when we were dating and one of his best friends came to him and told him she was pregnant, and she hadnt told her parents yet and asked him not to say anything to anyone bc all of our parents are friends- she immediately told him it was ok for him to tell me but asked him to ask me not to say anything to MY parents until she had the chance to tell her parents- bc they all know each other. One of his other friends put me in a really bad spot when she confessed to me that she and her fiance (my husbands BEST friend) were going to elope, which meant that my DH would not be able to be there as best man (and the best friend had actually asked him to be the best man) I hated that she put me in the position of having to hide something like that from him, but she told her fiance that it was his responsibility to tell my DH bc she knew he was going to be very upset and the fiance was a total chickensh*t not wanting to tell him. My husband and I are not one person just bc we got married(people like that make me nuts), I dont tell him everything my friends tell me and Im sure he doesnt tell me anything either.
0danielle0 0danielle0 9 years
It really depends on what the secret it. A close girlfriend of mine recently disclosed to me that she is secretly married to the man we all thought was just her boyfriend, and that she's having an affair with another guy. For some reason, I felt it would be a betrayal of her trust if I told my boyfriend something that "sensitive."
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 9 years
I assume that my friends tell their SOs thing. If I specifically don't want them to, then I'll tell them. If a friend of mine is telling me a "secret" I'll ask if I can share it with my BF. Usually my boyfriend doesn't care anyway. :)
Shopaholichunny Shopaholichunny 9 years
Yup I tell my man everything. My girlfriends know this and they don't mind unless they specify to me not to tell Anthony then I won't.
shernic82 shernic82 9 years
My best friend is a guy, and we are tight like a couple and share secrets about our friends. I'm pretty sure everyone knows that if you tell one of us something, the other is going to know about it! If someone says "Don't tell" I assume they mean it's okay to tell him and no one else, but if they say "Don't tell (him specifically)" I don't share. Everyone knows that's how he and I roll, lol.
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