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Saying No to a Date

Group Therapy: How Do I Decline a Guy's Pseudo-Date Requests

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

This nice but very awkward guy asks me to get together with him quite often. Only thing is they aren't really dates — we don't go to dinner just to pubs the two of us and I always pay for myself. Thing is — I'm not really friends with him. I barely know the guy and this is going to sound bad, but I'm not really interested in getting to know him. I work long hours and am only here until the end of the summer and want my time after work for myself and the people I do know here.

I get the feeling that he has a crush on me though (woman's intuition) and really don't want to encourage the guy, but have no idea how to put a stop to the dreaded "Want to hang out?" texts. I mean can I just say "not really" or just not reply at all — I feel as if that might be very rude. Has anyone experienced something similar? I feel like such a b*tch for even posting this.

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Join The Conversation
CaterpillarGirl CaterpillarGirl 6 years
No person should ever have to be afraid of hurting someones feelings, who they have no investment in. You should just straight up tell him, "youre a great guy but I am not interested in hanging out anymore with you" Honesty goes a long way and i am sure he would appreciate it more than "ive got other plans" and a long drawn out lie-fest.
RoaringSilence RoaringSilence 6 years
Miss Manners would probably tell you to simply say "Sorry, already got plans" without elaborating further. It's not a lie (your plans might be read a book, who knows). Unless you're constantly around him because of your social circle or work or something, you'll soon be out of sight, out of mind for him. And then hopefully someone else will catch his attention. Letting things fizzle out like that doesn't hurt his feelings unnecessarily, so I'm sure this is the most graceful way out of this. You don't really owe him an explanation, and you seem considerate enough to make sure you're not leading him on. Hope this ends quickly and painlessly for the both of you!
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 6 years
Dahliadreamer's description of the slow fade is pitch perfect and a good option. I think this guy would probably appreciate the blunt truth, though. Tell him you've liked spending time with him but that your priorities have changed. That you can't spare the time go out with him anymore--because there doesn't seem to be any romantic future there. Yes, he will think you're way ahead of yourself and pretty full of yourself, but fine. At least his suffering will be short instead of extended by false hopes.
dahliadreamer dahliadreamer 6 years
Definitely been there before. I hate when it seems obvious to your friends, but there are times when you never notice until it might be too late. Right? What I used to do was make myself busy. I made other plans, and filled my schedule with things to do, whether it was go out with friends, or have a bubble bath! Put your day together so you can see at least as far as the next 3-4 days, so when he asks to hang out, you have real excuses. I've always found the 'I'm tired' or 'I don't feel like it today' ARE the ones that will make you seem like you are ignoring him! Another tip: if you guys communicate, slow down. Like, a lot. If he texts you, don't text back. If you want to text back, wait a while before you do. If he calls you, keep the call short. Have something to do. Stay busy and do it slowly, in progression. Tip: If you're going to tell him that you're busy because you're going out, make sure to mention 'other guys' somehow. Easiest way to test him.
stephley stephley 6 years
Trying to be too nice ends up making everyone unhappy – you come to resent the person you don’t enjoy being with, he’ll think you like him and get mad when he finds out otherwise. There’s no reason that you have to reciprocate anytime someone likes you. (I’ve found myself being nice to guys who liked me for who they thought I was, or who they thought they could turn me into, and who got really miffed when I didn’t measure up.) Say ‘no thanks’ to his invitations – I agree with Katia you should just be tired or too busy at home, not use excuses that get tiring to make up and put you at risk of being caught in a lie. Sane people catch on after a while and back off.
katialoves katialoves 6 years
you could kindly make excuses until he gets the point. if you dont~say you have other plans say you are too tired or have too much stuff to do at home not ideal, but i dont know an easy way out!
LoreleiMarines1775 LoreleiMarines1775 6 years
Ah,. don't be or feel like a bitch.... just don't doddle around, tell him how you feel straight out because playing footsies with a guy who ain't potential to anything is like playing with matches inside your own home, something is bound to go wrong...Don't lead this guy on.... Just say A) that's a stranger to you in some ways B) Let's start slow or not all and C) Try to end on some good terms might lead your karma into a good place (and if you don't believe in karma then insert your own words into the sentence) But don't fool around....You'll get hurt or you just might hurt him more ...
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