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Is Sex After Marriage Doomed?

Is Your Sex Life Doomed After Marriage?

Every week New York magazine puts out a week-long sex diary of an anonymous person, and this week it's a 35-year-old married man with one child and another on the way. I've read many of these diaries — half the time they are so outlandish I think they're fake — but this must be the most honest entry yet. It's so depressing!

He summed-up his sex life for a week like this: "Two acts of masturbation; One fight with wife that results in night on the couch; One erotic neck-rub from wife; Numerous ponderings about massage parlors." But that's nothing compared to loneliness and isolation his detailed entry evokes. Does the expectation marital togetherness make any loneliness encountered feel worse?

Of course, kids contribute to a sexless love life, but he seems happily married yet sexually dissatisfied. Do you ever worry that good sex can't last forever even if the marriage does?

Join The Conversation
hawkmaster hawkmaster 7 years
I have been married for 47 years.We have not had sex for the last 23 years. I have never had sex with anyone other than my wife. How 'bout dat!!!
aliceinthecity aliceinthecity 7 years
This is my secret...pk24 ( This product changed my sex life and saved my marriage. It gave me a completely renewed sexual gratification. Ladies you must try! My husband and I have never been better!
babaloo babaloo 7 years
jenwils jenwils 7 years
There's so many answers between yes-and-no here, but I think kids kill sex, not marriage.
Eleuthera Eleuthera 7 years
The best comment I have read here is that marriage takes work...and that is worth repeating several times. It also takes work from both involved rather than just one. It takes work because you are now living with the expectations of two people (at least!) instead of one. While it is rare to find a couple where one does not think something should change after marriage, the greater part is in how we react to this. No matter how much someone else turns you on in the beginning by sheer looks, that is going to fade. Communication is the real issue and taking time for yourselves is paramount. We all have those moments when we are too tired or not in the mood. However, we ought to not just insist that our partner accept this and live with it: your partner has needs and desires too... and I tend to think that you have an obligation to meet at least some of those needs. If you don't want to make time especially for that or if you find yourself uninspired to ever respond, then that's a problem. It's not the other person's problem and you have the obligation to deal with it. Do not let this fester and become a bigger problem but discuss it. This is where couples fail by not doing so. The greatest reason for divorce is unreasonable expectations. Some people can't get past certain issues, but that's the way life has been since civilization began. Someone isn't going to get time off to climb Mount Everest or write a novel. However if you were bound together under some principle, it's a good thing to go back to those principles when you have trouble. Both of you grow but rarely do you grow in the same direction or at the same rate. Make sure that you keep time for yourselves even when you are doing different things. Marriage isn't the just the auspices for shagging and rug rats, but it's a foundation where two different people can learn to appreciate the other one and make sacrifices for each other, essentially becoming one. It's sometimes hard to stop looking at what the world is doing and concentrate on you as a couple, but that's what it takes. It may not be that exciting sometimes, but the long term result is really wonderful. Allow the sex to develop over the years as a symbol of your love rather than dictate the only thing you have in common. The latter is a recipe for disaster.
karlotta karlotta 7 years
Hey, I created a poll, just out of curiosity (don't we all want to know what the others are doing!) : How often do you have sex? Go take it! And leave comments if you'd like to! Cheers, and thanks for taking part :)
karlotta karlotta 7 years
This is interesting, because when we first met, I had a raging libido and my boyfriend seemed less interested. After 5 years (and losing my Dad), I'm not in the mood as often as I used to, maybe once a week or so - despite the fact that the sex is amazing, and I think our relationship is better than it's ever been. His desire hasn't changed at all (AT ALL), so now he's the sex-crazed one in the relationship. It makes me wonder about me. I guess, well, yeah, I lost my Dad last year (that's when my libido, unsurprisingly, took a dive); but I'm doing much better now, so you'd think my sex drive would come back up.
inlove23 inlove23 7 years
To skigirl, me and my boyfriend are both nineteen and he is not a sex maniac. We defiantly have a normal sex life, but I feel like I have a low sex drive. To c4rolin3 I defiantly see where you are coming from. I prefer kissing and cuddling.
tlsgirl tlsgirl 7 years
Oh lord MissSushi, you are so right. The oral sex on HER birthday really bugged me. Um, maybe you shoulda given her some, you jack*ss. And this quote was really priceless: "Am I not supposed to look at girls who nicely fill out a pair of tights or short shorts at the gym? If they don’t want to be looked at, they would wear something less appealing." OMG douchenozzle.
MissSushi MissSushi 7 years
I don't really feel sorry for him, to be honest. Did anyone read the entire thing? Its a bunch of comments about how he seceretly wants her to jump his bones but she doesn't and he says nothing/initiates nothing. He prefers to look forward to staring at other women and visiting craigslist daily. Another winning comment is when hes pissy because she didnt immediatly give him oral on HER birthday... mmhmm, yeah sounds like a winner.
Yesi-Jukebox Yesi-Jukebox 7 years
I think some people misunderstand the good sex = good marriage thing. This doesn't mean that you have to have a lot of sex, plenty of people are happy in their marriage without much going on. The whole point is having what you think to be a good sex life, and being in sync with your partner on that. I personally believe that if someone is unhappy with their sex life when they are married it will definitely have a toll on their relationship. But it will have a toll whether you are married or not because we are sexual creatures but we desire sex differently.
HoneyBrown1976 HoneyBrown1976 7 years
Sex is part of the relationship. It's not the whole of it. There are days when I'm bored of my husband; but, there are days when I'm not. I'm sure he can say the same. But, I've known him since we started college, and after two boys, we're not going anywhere. Yeah, the sex can get redundant. But, when it isn't, whoo boy!!
Pistil Pistil 7 years
According to the statistics we're all doomed. Doomed to death! End it now, before it ends you.
GlowingMoon GlowingMoon 7 years
We've been married for a long time, and we don't have children. Our sex life is good. As I mentioned before, I didn't get married to be friends. If I wanted to be friends with my husband, I didn't have to marry him. As I implied, a good sex life is an important component in my marriage. It's a priority.
skigurl skigurl 7 years
c4rolin3...i see what you're saying for boyfriend and i have a good sex life but he's not an animal by any stretch of the imagination...we will go a couple days without sex if we're busy, tired, whatever, but we (like spacekat said about her trip with her hubby) have a great emotional connection and even if we're not having sex, we're snuggling, kissing, and telling each other how much we love each other...and we love spending time together...but we don't do it 4 times a day or anything...he's toooootaalllly straight, macho, and hot...he's just not super-uber-sexual like some sex maniacs out there (and like some 19 year olds out there) and we're completely in love too! :)
c4rolin3 c4rolin3 7 years
spacekatgal - your assumption is exactly what i'm talking about!!!! so thanks for proving my exact point obviously i'm sure that all men want sex and would happily have it all the time, but it doesn't necessarily mean that if you don't get it all the time you're not happy and aren't in a happy relationship trust me - my man is 100% straight and we're completely in love just because we don't have sex allllll the blooming time it isn't a problem - i hate the whole idea that it is?!
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