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Sex With a Virgin 2010-03-27 06:00:44

"Help, I'm Dating a Virgin!"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our community. Add your advice in the comments!

So I'm a college girl living a college lifestyle. Before graduating from high school, I only had sex with one person. I dated him for a year, only breaking up after my freshman year of college started. Almost immediately after our breakup, I went wild. I don't know what happened really. I slept around, started drinking regularly, and stopped caring about school stuff.

I actively sought out sex wherever I could get it. I'm not sure why, because I've never orgasmed during sex, and I don't enjoy it all that much overall. By this point, I have slept with 13, yes 13, guys.

A little more than a week ago, I started dating this really great guy. He seems almost perfect for me. The only problem? He's a virgin. I don't really have an issue with this, outside of the fact that I am terrified! His virginity has me ridiculously intimidated. I'm his first real girlfriend, and we have only ever made out. He's stayed the night in my room, but nothing more than some cuddling and sleeping happened. He refuses to have his hands anywhere near my boobs.


I look at him as a way to get back to the me I used to be before college, but at the same time I am so scared. I don't know what to do, how to make him comfortable, how to "teach" him once we do start moving ahead, or how to talk to him about my past and his virginity.

Please, any advice would be so much appreciated. I've never been with a virgin before.

Image Source: Shutterstock
Join The Conversation
i-love-yuu i-love-yuu 7 years
ok i dont think that u are a bad person at all who cares if uve been around ur in collage im 18 and i have slept with 7 guys and i didnt even want to it just happened and now i am dating a virgin weve been dating for about 3 weeks and im just like you.. i dont kno what to do.. he told me that hes a virgin for religous perpuses so im willing to wait if we stay together that long. i dont think you should let it bug you that much and dont listen to all the ppl that say hees out of your league... you couldnt have found a better person maybe now you can sett;e down and get in to a relationship(:
Venus1 Venus1 7 years
Janine I love you!
Janine22 Janine22 7 years
singlevirgin: I am not sure if you were referring to me or not, personally I have no negative feelings or discriminatory attitudes towards virgins. I think that each person should decide to behave in a way which feels right for them and I completely respect that. I have known and been friends with many different types of women in my life so far, including conservative religious women and women who strip for money and some who sometimes do more. I have NEVER, EVER met a woman, regardless of her personal beliefs or occupation that would actually enjoy or prefer for a man to call her a slut. I can see that this may be a common theme in some pornography, but keep in mind that the scripts are, the large majority of the time written BY men FOR men. It's just not a cool thing to say, and I would support that statement whether you were male or female. As Venus pointed out, if you want to comment on a mainly female oriented website, then you have to be conscious of being respectful of our feminine nature and boundaries. Instead of attempting to defend what you have said, realize that you may have offended some women and that perhaps calling women sluts in any capacity in the future would not be a kind or respectful thing to do. I don't think that I or Venus were trying to attack you by making this point. I hope that you are able to move beyond feeling attacked and attempt to understand this perspective.
knuckles knuckles 7 years
first of all - if this isnt serious........dont waste HIS time with your ignorance. Just because you think he's broken, doesnt mean your a sex expert. Plus if your any kind of a decent person (which i doubt) you should mention your 13 sexual encounters before you throw your feed bag at him, i bet he go's limp. check yourself into a clinic.
newyorkcityguy newyorkcityguy 7 years
I am a 21 year old male virgin by choice. I say own up, it would be better to happen earlier than later and make sure you mention all of the 13 guys you slept with. I really love how women are all about empowerment and knowledge and love to keep men in the dark, lie, hide, evade. He is a grown man he can make his decisions, he will probably hate more of the evasiveness and half truths then the actual reality, at least I do. If you care about him given him the choice to be with you. If you are never open with someone, no one can love you because you never gave them a chance to love you. He told you everything about him. I am sorry this a bit off topic but I had a woman I cared deeply about act like she was someone else (i.e. more similar to me than party girl) to try to hook me. If you don't level with him you do not care about him because what you want is him and you view your past as and impediment to what you want so you leave it out. I think it is better to have everything out in the open. Moreover, given that he is a virgin at 21 is probably a concise decision any guy can get laid from 13 on. If he does not want you for being with 13 guys why would you want to be with him. Furthermore, that his decision as you made your decision to sleep with those men, accept it. In addition choosing a mate/ being in a relationship is one of the most subjective and capricious things traditionally you choose to commit to one person. If he would not want to be with you for being with other guys accept it and stop being so judgmental and do not try deriding him. He can choose not to go out with you for any reason as you can chosse not to go out with him for any reason, equality at its finest. For me at least me in NYC I do not compromise for the most part if I did not graduate Columbia, have a good job, was six foot nine and looked good. Women would not give me the time of day here. I know couple decent guys who could not get dates to save there lives, however I know sleazes with girls dying to be with them. For me to compromise on something I deem very important for someone who would not give me the time of day if I did not fit the superficial image of what there boyfriend is absolutely lunacy. Penultimately, for myself I am not certain I am dead set on marrying a virgin (As a virgin myself) and I have a right to have and preference I want and will not apologize. So, bottomline get to know him find out and tell him EVERYTHING and the only way you can love each other if it is meant to both make a FULL KNOWLEDGE choice to accept each other. PS: I digress but, I also do not like the women stating they do not like men having a choice in mate selection. The perennial it should not matter that's his decision stop being so judgmental, it takes to to tango. If you rule out the ability to have any preference you rule out the ability to have all preferences, so why date him and not the homeless man on the street, people are all the same and deserve love right? Secondly, I have been to parties and girls have wanted me to take them home and I refused, personally I would NEVER have a one night stand. I really would not like to be in a relationship with a girl who has or had one night stands because we are VERY Different people. As I have been on dates with lovely, beautiful and attractive women whom I do not share their ideological convictions. I really would not like to be in a relationship with such women because we are VERY Different people. So, I will reiterate what I said before so bottom line get to know him find out and tell him EVERYTHING and the only way you can love each other if it is meant to both make a FULL KNOWLEDGE choice to accept each other.
singlevirgin singlevirgin 7 years
To "Betty Wayne" you are so far away from judging my personality in a website. At least and as far as I know you should change these two dictionaries "Babylon English" and "Concise Oxford Thesaurus" , if this word gives another meaning in your slang language then you should say "any one who is not familiar with American slang English should not post in this website", besides it wasn't the end of the word when I used that word and most of you had turned the discussion to a linguistic debate,and forget my point when I was trying to let you know that virgins are not aliens creatures who came from mars and all of you were virgins at a point in your life. Many posts here shows some kind of discrimination against virgins.
Bettye-Wayne Bettye-Wayne 7 years
singlevirgin, if your dictionary says 'slut' and 'prostitute' are interchangeable, you need a new dictionary. If you're 34 and haven't had sex because you haven't found the right girl, either your standards are too high, or there's something wrong with your personality that repels women. Either way, Venus is right--"...the word "slut" is acceptable language on this site." --and-- "If you cannot respect the female form in attitude or thought you should post your comments elsewhere."
singlevirgin singlevirgin 7 years
To all who replayed to my posts: 1st: There is no place that i said "I am against sex outside marriage". I was talking about love and sex (my concept was sex is complement of love) and I didn't said that women who have sex without marriage are sluts. 2nd: Many uses the word "slut" when they talk about themselves and again that is their choice and they want us to call them that way. 3rd: The words "sluts" and "prostitute" are used alternately in many dictionaries ( you should change that if you are against it). 4th: I haven't judged anyone's beliefs ( I am not against her picture but she said this word is not acceptable language for this website), does this site accepts anything except that word!!
Janine22 Janine22 7 years
singlevirgin: I am assuming that you live in some sort of extremely orthodox religious country, because it is fairly common of women in North America and Europe and many other areas of the world to consent to sex outside of marriage if they felt ready to have sex and close to and attracted to their partner. Otherwise, there is no reason that your only options would be to pay for sex with a prostitute or get married. Ok first of all, ALL humans beings are sexual, and yes if you want to come right down to it we ARE animals, because we are mammals. However, that does not mean that we are lacking in self control. Personally, I think that sex for the sake of sex is a perfectly normal human desire. If your religious beliefs discount that as an option, then that is entirely your choice. But that does not mean that you have the right to look down on or judge women who have sex outside of marriage or call them 'sluts'. Women that are paid for sex are called prostitutes. Slut is some sort of derogatory term which implies that women are not allowed to enjoy sex or have several partners without being judged. And that is what is called a double standard my friend. Now personally I respect a man who would not even consider having sex with a prostitute because a large portion of them are abused, degraded, exploited and treated terribly by men. As for Venus's pic, I don't find it offensive. I think that women's bodies are beautiful and that certainly there is nothing offensive about admiring them. Thanks for listening to my perspective on things. :)
Soniabonya Soniabonya 7 years
OP, take it slow. Discover yourself before you go all crazy on the virgin ;) Like other commentators have said, you don't have to reveal your entire sexual history by date, unless an STD or STI is a problem. If you do want to pursue dating this guy and possibly sleeping with him, open the conversation to discuss any fears you or he may have. Just be accepting of his fears as you are of your own. and Venus, I like your profile pic. :)
tlsgirl tlsgirl 7 years
@singlevirgin - several points: 1. Don't use the phrase "with all respect" if you're clearly being judgmental. It's like following up the comment "wow, you really look awful today" with the words "no offense," as though that somehow makes it better. 2. The word for a woman who sells her body is "prostitute," at least last I checked. And true, some of these women may be ashamed of selling sex, but some of them probably aren't. There are any number of places where prostitution is perfectly legal, and quite frankly, who are you to judge? No one is perfect, and how one chooses to live her life and make her living is no one's choice but her own. 3. The word for a woman who enjoys sex is simply "woman." It is not "slut." That word is offensive and derogatory and really needs to be eradicated from our collective vocabulary.
singlevirgin singlevirgin 7 years
OK, I don't have time to debate online so, but let me tell you something if this word is not accepted then wt word would u use for women who sell their bodies (if they are ashamed of wt they do,why they do it),my language is not a problem cause I name things as they are,one last thing, is that word worse than your profile picture in this website( with all respect cause that is your choice).
Venus1 Venus1 7 years
Each to their own thoughts. I have no wish for online debate. But if you have genuine respect for women understand that terms like slut are not acceptable. My desires are not my problem but my wishes, Your sexist language is your problem. There is no place for it here.
singlevirgin singlevirgin 7 years
To Venus,my respect to women is what preventing me to have sex with whom they used to sell their bodies,If u can't realize the difference between finding the one who can love u and finding somebody to fulfill your desires that would be your problem.
Venus1 Venus1 7 years
....and what's more you are assuming "some slut" would have you. Maybe you are assuming too much? You are on a site, mainly but not exclusively, pitched at women, dealing with a question from a woman. If you cannot respect the female form in attitude or thought you should post your comments elsewhere.
Venus1 Venus1 7 years
Deciding not to have sex outside of marriage is your own personal choice but is not for many others. I do not think the word "slut" is acceptable language on this site.
singlevirgin singlevirgin 7 years
Hi everybody, I have read most of your comments. I have some view points about that, but let me tell u 1st that I am 34 and virgin man, Is it a shock to you? may be yes. Let me tell u this being a virgin does not mean that I don't know much about sex, may be I don't have enough real sex experience. There is something u should understand also that life experience has a rule on all of this ( e.g. would u prefer a non-virgin 20 years old or 27 years virgin man disregarding other differences), if you only want to have sex for the sake of sex that would make your points and won't make you so different from animals but if wand to have sex to share emotion, feelings and desire that would make my point. To be more clear I didn't chose to be a virgin,may be because I haven't found what I want or for some other reasons ( living in society that u can't have sex until marriage). The question is do I have to find some slut to loose my virginity. My answer is no. In the case of the original post the problem is not that he is a virgin the question is why he hasn't a desire for sex, emotion sharing,and joy.
Venus1 Venus1 7 years
"Repeated studies PROVE the most satisfied people are "religious", monogamous, married people, not the promiscuous!" Really? Nobody asked me? I think it is crazy to suggest there is no middle way between monogamous and promiscuous, and who can judge what promiscuous is - that is so judgemental! The poster was seeking helping on dating a virgin, not on keeping him one. Length of time they have known each other has nothing to do with it either. My own sister is happily married and ended up in bed with her now husband the first nigh they met.
Zeke199 Zeke199 7 years
Hey "Anonymous" - GO SLOWLY!! I wish I were young enough to do it all over again. I tell you plainly, I would remain a virgin for MANY reasons. Our society CONS people into thinking they're losing out if they're not having sex. Then, when you do get married, much of what used to be the first spark is completely gone, having been given away to prior sex partners! This is the experience of MANY people - trust me. Coming from someone who HAS counseled many people through the years, you are too focused on sex. You need to remove it from your mind & vocabulary as you determine whether you want to spend your time with this boyfriend (or anyone else for that matter). Your objectivity is confused because of your sense that sex is paramount. Take time to get to know each other, ESPECIALLY SINCE you've known each other for just a very short while!!! If either you or he have religious/Christian convictions guiding your beliefs, follow them. Repeated studies PROVE the most satisfied people are "religious", monogamous, married people, not the promiscuous!
Yesi-Jukebox Yesi-Jukebox 7 years
Seriously the people on here who are not giving advice just being judgemental need to grow up. On a second note, I hate that society treats women as if we can't enjoy sex. I know guys who have had 25+ partners and I bet they're not looked at badly. So do not feel bad about your little wild phase, and be patient about your boyfriend. Also, never ever discuss your number with him or any guy you date in the future, that's a recipe for disaster.
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