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Sexual Incompatibility

Group Therapy: Are We Sexually Incompatible?

This question comes from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

My boyfriend is an extremely sweet and loving person . . . except in the bedroom. He likes the rough, tear each others' clothes off and get straight to it, constantly changing positions sex. I consider myself to be very open minded and sexually adventurous, and I like that kind of sex too, but I really crave some loving, sweet, make out for a long time and look in each others eyes sex sometimes.

Find out more after the jump.

I guess it's the difference between making love and just f*cking. I feel like you can f*ck anyone, but tenderness and love make a truly special connection. I've talked to him about it before and he'll try for a little bit, but within a few weeks it's back to the same routine. I've also tried taking the lead and slowing things down, but I feel like he gets bored. One time I tried to slow things down by pushing him back and just slowly kissing him all over (something I would absolutely love) and afterward he straight up told me that he didn't like it. He does like giving and receiving oral sex but I feel like it's just the bare minimum until he can get down to business.


I don't know if it's the porn thing or not, I know he watches it sometimes now and used to watch it a lot, he used to have a huge crush on Jenna Jameson. I am fine with him watching it but I don't want to be treated like Jenna Jameson all the time! It's just such a contrast to who he is otherwise, I feel like it's starting to make me insecure in other areas of our relationship because it's almost like I don't know him. Is it just a difference between men and women? Like I said, I'm not uptight or anything, I just want him to make love to me every once in a while and I don't understand why he is so opposed to it.

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Jake2010 Jake2010 6 years
My 2 cents.... both types of sex can be fun... but to slow a guy down is hard... try buying and presenting to him one of the many sex games on the market... it will force him to approach you a bit slower and teach him that prolonging the hardcore rough stuff will still result in a great experience.. sounds like you are a very well rounded girl..
MySecondLife MySecondLife 7 years
I'm in the same boat, so I have no advice ... I just came here looking for answers. LOL I can see, though, how some of the advice above won't work. Like OP said, she's talked to him. They've tried. He was bored. It seems to me that there are just men out there who CAN'T be as intimately affectionate as we would desire. My man, who is otherwise very loving, giving, etc., just isn't tenderly affectionate. He does like to kiss -- and he says this is the FIRST relationship he's ever had where kissing is something he enjoys -- but beyond that, he's a "get to it" man. He is so sensitive, literally, when I try to kiss his neck, etc., that he can't take it. That may be why my guy is "allergic" to foreplay. I don't know. But, I feel for ya -- and I miss love making even though the f*cking is awesome.
Janine22 Janine22 7 years
Does your bf know that the large majority of women actually need about 20 minutes of foreplay (performed on THEM) in order to be physically ready to have sex? You need to be VERY upfront and straightforward with him. Tell him that this is not the kind of sex that you enjoy having all of the time. If you truly cares about making you orgasm and your feelings he will be more open to working harder to satisfy you. If you are fooling around and you are not ready for intercourse and he has not given you enough foreplay then tell him that you need more foreplay and if he is unwilling to give you more, then you are unwilling to have sex. I am wondering if you have an intimate and emotional connection outside of the bedroom? I think that men do like rough or primal sort of sex, but most guys can also make love to a woman that they really care about. He is either really inexperienced when it comes to women or just plain sexually selfish. If he is sexually selfish then you probably will not be able to change him. If he is just inexperienced or ignorant about how to please a woman, then some guidance and clear information can help him. If he is unwilling to work towards pleasing you more in the bedroom after you are straightforward with him about what you need, then toss him back. There are many men out there that would be more than willing to satisfy both in and out of the bedroom. Good luck.
postmodernsleaze postmodernsleaze 7 years
This might sound weird and ineffectual, but I have given this advice to friends and it has worked great... music is a huge mood-enhancer. I have a giant playlist for sexy time and while it's not slow, boring, cheesy R&B love songs, it is slower and sexier. Stuff like Portishead, for example. Sort of mysterious, sexy, lounge-y tunes. I have had great success with this music and so have my friends-- I made a CD for my friend with my sex music and she said her and boyfriend listened to it from the first track to the last :D It kind of slows down and relaxes the mood, so there's more intimate eroticism rather than down-n-dirty f***ing. I also think Rj's advice for watching erotic movies might be a really great way to go. Also, being very straight-forward is a good way to go with guys. Direct him. Many guys find that incredibly hot.
Bettye-Wayne Bettye-Wayne 7 years
Rj's advice about watching an erotic movie is great, I was actually going to recommend something similar. I think Joe's advice of taking turns is great, but Joe, you must being having some amazing sex if a two-hour session is the norm for you!
Rjs-baby-girl Rjs-baby-girl 7 years
I think you are right to want to "make love" vs "f*ck" from time to time. I think it's all about balance and your boyfriend shouldn't be the only one who gets what he wants all the time. Looks to me like he is the close minded one or maybe a bit selfish in bed maybe? You mentioned porn and while this can be a fun thing to do as a couple to spice things up, him watching a lot of porn by himself maybe gave him only one dimension of what sex can be or what sex has to be. You did well by telling him how you feel, and he has to listen to you and try the way you want as well. It shouldn't have to be you always compromising and have sex the way he wants it. Maybe instead of watching porn you two could watch an erotic movie, where it's less about the "animal f*cking" and more about being intimate. I think that's what you lack with him, intimacy and connection. You will have to be more straight forward about what you want him to do to you and explain to him litterally how you want to be kissed, touched, so that you truly enjoy making love. If he truly loves you he should be able to listen to you and want to please you as much as you please him, because men usually find it satisfying when their lady is happy in the bedroom.
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